If I keep thinking that I will have to kill myself in the future, will I have the guts to kill myself eventually?

[Distraughtgambit]

I keep thinking of the future and what would happen to me. I have this very high dreams of becoming someone that I want to be, all I need to do is to get into this school. I keep thinking that if I don't pass this school I will become a failure, and I don't want to live like that so I'll have to kill myself. That's why right now my dreams is so far off, and seems impossible based on my circumstances and that eventually it will lead to my inevitable failure in life. If it happens will I be more motivated to finally end it all?

 

[sacrilegeofsouls]

You know I found myself in a similar situation nearly two years ago.Had the same thought if, if I don't get into this school I'll killmyself it's silly though I got into that school I'm in it rn I still wanna kms trust me no school is that great. The only greatness is within you. They Don't have wizards in there that are gonna give you magic abilities everything you can achieve is already in you and one way or another you'll do it.

But let's forget about that for a moment I kept fantasising about killingmyself planning it and actually considering it and the first times I was afraid it was more like an angry fantasy to express my frustration rather than actually do it but the more I fantasized about it and planned it the more I realized I wasn't afraid to do it anymore I felt weirdly drawn to it. And now it's like a pleasurable thought. So yeah you could probably desensitize yourself to the notion

 

[kurikaesu]

it's really funny honestly. i'll have the mantra of "i HAVE to kill myself" like it was completely necessary and genuine. i'd get out of those ruts and have periods of time where i was fine, then come back into ruts and repeat that mantra again. at first committing suicide was sort of a dream and i never had anything tangible i could latch onto to confirm i was serious about those thoughts until the past couple months.

from constant rinse and repeat, it's been ingrained into my brain, conscious and subconscious, to the point where i can't see a world where i won't, and i have been actively planning out research and methods n stuff. it's slow and i wouldn't "rely" on it to convince yourself but eventually it gets to a point where you force yourself into believing it.

even after all this i still try to hold onto a possible future for myself, even as i'm wrapping the noose around my neck deep down i still want to live.