Story Idk what’s going on in my life and it’s delaying my ctb plans

[quickandeasy]

Before I get into anything, I still wanna ctb, I'm just making sure I have nothing to live for before I do. I don't wanna have regrets in my last moments thinking staying a little bit longer could have saved me from such a cruel existence. Sometime ago, me and my girlfriend broke up because we had a big blowout. Context - she has BPD and I have severe anxiety. I didn't really know how to respond to her wanting space so my brain's response was to just spam her and check up on her because she has a history of self harm and I wanted to be there in case things went south. It's my brain's automatic response when someone I love is in distress. It's been close to a week and during it some things were said some things were done, she found out about me browsing SaSu and was terrified and thought I was going to ctb. To be fair, I was kinda saying that if things ever go south between us, I'd ctb. And I attempted, she found out and called the cops on me. It's been a week and I'm blocked on everything except for one of my phone numbers, and I've been trying to talk to her ever since. I've been oscillating between being extremely hopeful that the one person I love and trust is going to come back to me and if it's all gone and if this is the perfect time to ctb. Call me crazy but I don't think dying for love or dying because you're not in contact with the one person you think of is that bad, especially if you live with severe anxiety and can't think straight about anything else in life. She texted me today being like even if she misses me or wants me back, she'll stop herself because she's scared. Idk I feel like I'm in the wrong in this whole situation but I miss her terribly already and would do anything to want her back. Am I just a stupid optimist in this case when I'm a nihilist everywhere else in my life?

Edit: I know my problems aren't the worst in the world and there are many on this forum who have it significantly worse, but it still matters right?

 

[RedFruit]

I'm going through the same thing :/ I'm not sure if there anything to really love for anymore. I'm still so deeply connected to my ex mentally and emotionally. They also reach out and say that they love me but it won't be the same if we got back together. I don't think it's so bad either, dying for love. Especially in my case where you know that there's no one you'd rather be with, even if it's toxic.