"I'd like to feel a bit better/ I'd like to recover" Support Group Megathread

[CrowsFeather]

I can only speak from a personal perspective. For me this site is a protective factor right now. The only one I have, actually. Cause here is the only place I can say how I feel without being dismissed, locked away or otherwise punished for feeling and thinking how I do.

And learning about options... Just knowing that I have them, has chilled me out tremendously over the past days. Since I dug a little into what's possible I'm less hopeless about the future. Simply because there is now at least one option lef tif everything goes down, instead of none.

Dunno if that makes sense.
I'm not spending too much time here, though. If you do barely anything else then I can see how it might become hwarmfull. But, to be blunt, you can't help every single person on earth and it's impossible to provide a perfect space for everyone.

So this is the niche for those who have no ear in RL that wants to listen.

 

[StarsAbove]

***
As for my weekend — I hated it. Barely had any rest, and my "eat whatever you want" day ended up with me vomiting profusely from alcohol intoxication. Which didn't feel so bad, actually. And I found out that I can barely consume large ammounts of... well... anyting.
***
And, of course, I wish each and every person in this thread a good day/evening/night

Hope your week is better than your weekend!

I hope I don't get flamed, I'd like to slighly tease this out
I preface this with I agree that we are all adults, this is the internet, and this is my opinion only
I'm not advocating to shut sasu down
I hope you find peace no matter what you decide

I'm kinda worried/anxious about posting in the main recovery forums and feel a little safer here so hope y'all don't mind
thanks for being a safe space
feel free to engage if you wish



Also not gonna tag clouds busting for similar reason to lrkin
hope you are well and thanks for engaging in this discussion so far


This is an oversimplification, and just some random dude on the internets opinion. this is not medical advice
In psych there is something called the "4 Ps"
Predisposing, preciptating, perpetuating and protective factors
Used by some, in conjuction to the bio-psycho-social-cultural model for formulation


Predisposing factors e.g. "genetic vulnerability" for depression/suicidality, childhood abuse, head trauma etc
Sasu is not a predisposing factor to suicidality



Precipitating factors (i.e a trigger e.g. current abuse, hunger, fear, bullying, fired from work, break up etc... a really shitty day)
I would argue (on balance) Sasu is not a precipating factor



Perpetuating factors eg. things that make the suicidality last longer, or can stop it from getting better
e.g. social isolation, bad sleep, chronic pain etc.

I would suggest engaging with sasu suicide forums can make suicidality worse for some (or atleast for me) e.g. further desensitisation of suicidal ideation, learning about methods, watching videos of people hanging themselves (or finding links to otherwebsites where I can find them)
I think I framed this as "self-harming the mind" -- I don't cut, but when I read some of the post on the suicide forum/watch videos... when im dysregulated it does give me calm
I (try) not to engage with the suicide side of the forms for that reason... can be hard ngl and I'm not perfect in my own rules

I think this perpetuating factor is where the media (and scienific literature) is concerned about -- and hot take, I think their concern have merit
Again not advocating to take this site down.


I think to give anology to this, is the (now taken down) forum pro-ana, for eating disorders
There newer version of the site, but the premise is similar
places to post calorie count
post your bmi
what to eat
what diet works etc

there is recovery on this fourm too ofc i'm just trying to show an anology
and yes i know with ED its not about the food, often about parental abuse, anxiety depression etc and the forum does not cause the ed, might make it harder to recover

An extension of this anology is how instagram is being sued in USA about it's impact as a platform on (youth) mental health
for it's addictive design... but now we're going down a rabbit hole of tech
i used to work as a health IT consultant haha this is my specialist domain (:
i'm getty silly tired now probably need to stop editing this post, it's past 3am


please dont flame me =)


And yes, hats off to the mods on this site, you do an amazing job and it's hard work, truely



Protective factors e.g. friends, medications etc that protect against suicide
I think the recovery forum on Sasu is a protective factor


I think knowing you're not alone on the journey that is suicidality has helped me immesnly and i wouldn't know how to open up to my friends/medical team without being able to explore this space first

Thanks everyone with engaging with the recovery forums =)

****

Anyway that's my two cents
hope everyone is well

I do agree, it is triggering to go to that side of the forum if you are not in a good place. On the 1 hand I like it because as you said it makes you feel less alone when you are down in it, and I do greatly appreciate the freedom of choice, but it is easy to get sucked in. When I am suicidal it will make more suicidal, which is strange phenomenon I think a lot of us seek out. When I am not feeling suicidal, being over there will not make suicidal, but it will make me feel like shit.

 

[ConfusedClouds]

@NZkiwi I hope your psych appt went smoothly for you. That you agreed that its best to take some time off the site and get a good nights sleep. Look after yourself. No pressure to get back here to update us. Keep your MH team and friends as your community first and foremost. But we are here if you do find yourself lost online!

 

[Musiclover338]

yup after watching a few videos of people overdosing on SN really made me sad and reconsider, It doesnt look very peaceful as they say. Maybe they didnt follow protocol right, seen the one of the girl who went to sleep she looked somewhat okay but also seen other videos of people convulsing, vomitting, crying and everything before they finally died.

im still pro choice tho , feels like the only true choice we have in this life. everything else was already pre determined by parents, money, jobs, and looks.

 

[StarsAbove]

yup after watching a few videos of people overdosing on SN really made me sad and reconsider, It doesnt look very peaceful as they say. Maybe they didnt follow protocol right, seen the one of the girl who went to sleep she looked somewhat okay but also seen other videos of people convulsing, vomitting, crying and everything before they finally died.

im still pro choice tho , feels like the only true choice we have in this life. everything else was already pre determined by parents, money, jobs, and looks.

It makes me so sad that people take SN. I dont think they know what they are getting into. I dont want people to die but if they are going to do it, I really wish them a peaceful, pain free death

 

[NZkiwi]

How has it gone opening up to you friends about your suicidality for people in this chat?

On a train back to my small town ***


****

I know my posts are a bit much for some
low key one of my insecuritiess, being a bit much -- but i have worked on it and fixed it, I'm jsut being myself, i don't mind being a bit much, im nt everyones cup of tea and can't people please/make everyone happy

I guess I am articulate and can yap, and I have friends I can yap with
I know not everyone in this thread has the capacity/willingness/ability/enjoyment what ever to reply to this so don't feel obliged to reply if you feel overwhlelmed, don't reply, just do what ever
as confused clouds put it a while ago, this is social media in the end

I guess also if you want me to engage, I guess, just suggest tag me or leave a really obvious question to reply to

I guess don't want to respond to people who just want to vent to the void and not have some randome suicidal dude on the internet give their unsolicited opinion

i post some of my more unfiltered/unhinged/unstable thoughts in my sanctuary diary so feel free to engage there openly


******


Just reflections after seeing public psychologist
Went over time

I felt seen, I felt heard, I felt I could speak unfiltered

I told her I would kill myself if I got into a psych ward again

I told her that if I died, I know I would be treated/processed like a patient. They would have a team debrief, practicioners would be offered work councilling, I would be discussed in HDC meeting and mortality/morbidity meeting. My life would be diluted to a KPI and eventually literally just become part of a statistic. My friends would be sad but would move on eventually. My parents would be heartbroken but move on... man I really let it on

I guess I expliend my circumstances and she also understands why I want to kill myself, but doesn't agree with me, similar to my psychiatrist review last week

They don't know what to do yet lol

That's okay, they gonna chat with my old psycholigst, psychiatrist, the wider team and then get back to me later on
No obvious answer lol and I guess if there was one


Maybe hinting re engaging with ACT therapy again, I called my chilhood friend who is a clinical psycholigst and he also says ACT might be what I end up doing and that I will probably really hate it -- warning acknowledged and challenge accepted

She asked about my current safety and insight, didn't end up being locked in a psych ward cause I guess by behaviour is driven not by entrapment

****

I've slowly been more open with my friends
First sharing the safety plan a couple weeks ago
Then sharing the suicde scale "I'm at a 8, at night a 9" etc

Sometime I feel like i'm catastrophising evetrything and then I minimise it cause I don't "Feel suicidal enough" to warrent help but I guess my internal calibration is off completly

After catching up with one of my freinds (let's call her sarah for story telling), I revealed (calmly) that I was writing suicide notes for all my friends , learning how to tie a slip knot, wathcing material online (even though I wasn't buying anything to kill myself) , she messaged a couple days saying she was genuinly worried about me and scared of losing me. she on holiday but i guess we've planned to do a hike next week when she is back

I ddn't know how to process the emotion except just support her going through her own stuff, I guess I am always there for my mate and hold space for them and I come off as not needing any help

I was calling another one of my close friends (raven for story telling), and I heard her sharply inhale on the phone when I told her again about writing the suicide notes etc etc
idk we have dinner planned next week, she's shouting
I'm blessed

my male friends have been a bit more practical
I guess today was my and my best friend (lets call him shane) both day off
we just got brunch
worked on the car /doing dude stuff
he asked me straight up what my number was (7 when with him, 8 when I am left alone) and just moved on just doing guy things


I guess i'm lucky asf

i try really hard to have my friends back over the years, I really value the connection i have with them
my friends have got my back more than I udnerstand
And I under estimate maybe how much they are worreid about me and I don't really feel the worry as much

When I was in sydney, foreign country, losing my fucking my (prodoromal psychosis), and then suddlenyl was uncontactable (I was hosptialised under menta health act and they took my phone away from me)
my friends from nz made a group chat, figured via stalking instagram my one high school friend in sydney, got in touch with him, guessed I might be in a hospital, figured out what hosptial i was in (without breaking privacy- was hard), didn't contact my parents cause they know it would be worse, got me snacks, books, and a 3ds loaded with edm to me in hosptial (cause I couldn't have bed) got in touch with my psychiatrist in new zealand and expressed concerns, got my new zealand psychiatrist contact the psychiatrist in sydney, and then I was out in 5 days rather than having a 1 month long admission, and then gave me space while I recontructed reality and tried to survive sydney alone for a few months

I am incredibly lucky, I have friends who are like healthy family to me
and yet my friends and I struggle to communicate (until very recently) how concerned they were about my suicidality, and how much I was carrying alone

despite how much we do for eachother practically
despite all the fun times we;ve head togeather

only now after being friends with people 10 years, some 15 or 20 years are we able to really talk about my mental health
we do so much for eachother but I coudln't talk to them for now
and they agree they are friends and can't be there for me like the professionals in the mental health team

and so makes me wonder

I am well reosurced
socially
medically
i am incredibly privliged

and im struggling

man

people must really be struggling if they dont' have all this <3

someone on sasu recovery wrote a message about their from azerbaijan and have compartively a shit life and was suicidal
what the fuck am i supposed to say
like yo low key makes sense my dude, have you tried taking meds and doing therapy?
have you trried speaking to friends and hobbys

fuck man this shit sucks as and is so indivudalised

***

How has it gone opening up to you friends about your suicidality for people in this chat?

I know people say they are lonely +/- alone I guess .... idk I kinda think it's a skill + resource issue (i know i sound like a dick saying it)
maybe it's just my probelem solving brain turning on, and once you go through something, you empathy kinda decreases for someone else going through the same thing but different time line "toughen up, take a concrete pill)

one of my friends, sarah, said she was upset that her partner didn't understand her fully
I think two things
1) no one will every undstand you fully, there is a different version of you in everyuones head and the gap between the collective understanding and your own will cause pain if it's not alligned... can't especailly ahve one person understand you
2) everyone understands you . if you go around thinking your entire life no one udnerstands you, you will be lonely
this place is a example of this, we are all suicidal in our own ways and I have figured out I am not alone in how I feel even in my unique and weird way of suicidlaity.


*****




***

Something I've been pondering upon is thet suicidality might be a signal that things are wrong in my life/not going right
but it doesn't neccisary need to be the direction/action I take my life in and building/choosing other actions/habits when the feeling/behviour of suicidality comes up

And learning about options... Just knowing that I have them, has chilled me out tremendously over the past days.

i guess as hinted by others engaging with suicidal actions/procurment/planning/ does calm that nerve -- maybe that's malapative and nothing else readily does calm it down

Would be curious co-creating a solution with the mental health team (beyond just reducing/eliminating risk) that allows me to "live" fully

I wonder how I would behave if my actions were not influenced by my suicidality.. other than just crawling into a ball and rotting in bed all day


***

Keep your MH team and friends as your community first and foremost

Maybe it's small town /country thing
Maybe cause it grew up in the hood
maybe because I struggle to let go and am suicidal because of it lol
maybe the reason doens't matter

this is a community i feel safe in
I will by meself
this is the internet, something I grew up with
people can come and go
no ones owns this community, iit is made of members, both visible, and invisible

I head your wanring about tangible community -MH team and friends

there is a quote from the pirate bay disposition that I'm gonna adapt

I will keep my AFK community as safety first and foremost
but Sasu to me is still an IRL community as valid as the others I am part of in my ife

so thank you sasu recovery for being a safe space
and i hope it a safe space for others too

 

[LRkin]

idk I kinda think it's a skill + resource issue (i know i sound like a dick saying it)

Kinda. And yet again, it does counterpoint one of your next takes that "everyone understands you'. If that was the case, you wouldn't have to evaluate your words as sounding like a dick. Hence, no. There is no such a thing as an undersanding. We can rationalise, we can empathise, but we do not understand, as we can't get into each others' heads.

The thing is — people are the same. But each of us is slightly different from one another. Some people are not just "slightly" different. They are, in fact, very different. And a lot of these different people end up... here. In this swamp. Having SI. Taking their own lives. Or doing drugs, committing some perverse shit, doing crimes or yada-yada-yada. If we were normal, if we were acceptable, if we didn't have these so-called "skill issues", we woudn't be there.

It's not "normal" to be miserable. It's not "normal" to be suicidal. There is simply no place for miserable people. And our drive to end it all is natural. The universe itself doesn't want us, and we're happy to throw ourselves out of the gene pool. Just as planned.

 

[NZkiwi]

There is no such a thing as an undersanding. We can rationalise, we can empathise, but we do not understand, as we can't get into each others' heads.

It took me a couple of reads to understand what you mean but yeah I'm on the same page as you, and I agree with your reasoining and logic

english is hard
vocab is hard

, it does counterpoint one of your next takes

you are very clever lol

The universe itself doesn't want us

Is that the universe talking or the story your mind is telling you about the universe?
I guess i've been wresting with spiruality, is thinking there is no space for us miserable people in the world, an observation or just a thought?
And does that thought e.g. the universe doesn't want us, have to dictate the direction I take my life?
Is that feeling there is no space for us a subjective opinion, or objective fact?

idk these thoughts aren't helpful idk maybe they are who knows who cares


idk going on a spiritual spiral @StarsAbove what do you think about this haha

 

[Cloud Busting]

ok I haven't read all of this but @NZkiwi idk if I'll get around to reading everything you wrote but know I really love what I have read from you, how you share practical info you learned from your team, I think you have a very logical and realistic perspective idk your views have been so refreshing thank you for being so open about your experiences

Mainly I just find myself feeling pressured (no one's fault it's my own personal arbitrary standards and guilts/regrets I'm working on examining) and dumping time I don't have onto this thing and then my actual personal health and responsibilities get put on the back burner and my life is a huge mess so. I'm spending too much time on screens I feel like my phone owns me. I gotta utilize my time better.

But I still can't seem to look away. Honestly I am posting here because I really look forward to my therapy sessions and I'm feeling like a brain washed sheeple cuz it's like the people who pushed therapy were right, and they can be all "I told you so" when in reality my concerns were dismissed and so no you didn't "tell me so" and I still have to take matters into my own hands.
People really romanticize and idealize therapy and ignore the dark side of therapy and treat it all as harmless… yet the other side sees it all as evil (I totally believed it was a con) and then both sides see each other as crazy! Haha!

Idk I just wanna say they didn't "tell me so" cus traditional talk therapy made me feel like shit. Especially in a stuffy ass office. I struggle to open up and no I don't wanna provide you anecdotes of my week and gossip to you about all my relationships

I do not want to pay for someone who treats me like a kindergartener and acts like my teacher. I'm looking more for a neutral spirit guide? And I love my therapist, I do telehealth, and I go to the park and discuss the trees I see and she's like your strength is you're observant! When usually I'm told I'm "too distracted" and like thank you for respecting I feel calm in nature, when I'm out doing and absorbing. I don't want to be a model student opening my entire heart out filling out worksheets and practicing skills.

I can tell her the visuals I see in my head and she's fascinated and she doesn't think they're weird. She doesn't guilt me for not trying hard enough or rejecting a method and requesting alternatives or say I need to open up about my feelings more. She is working with me, as I am, and ugh I've never felt so understood in my entire life wtf

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nature_therap

Ugh wow

I don't want to sit still in a safe controlled environment and talk about my relationships and feelings and boring mundane details about my week I wanna be creative cuz that's how I engage, like exercise and nature are very therapeutic and I'm glad that's not seen as "avoidance"

it's not letting me tag but I know confused clouds was wondering how I found the right therapist. Long story but my question is what are you looking for? What kind of relationship dynamic do you want? What methods do you like? What are your limits/boundaries? Answering those questions makes the process easier

Wanted some positivity (: love to you all

Now I'm feeling guilt like I need to tag the ppl who were here and left do they feel ignored yeah that's why I've been posting here less

 

[LRkin]

you are very clever lol

If I were, I wouldn't end up thinking about hanging myself all the time. So... No. I am kinda stupid.

Is that the universe talking or the story your mind is telling you about the universe?

Natural selection. Stabilizing selection, to be exact. The society itself needs you to be average. And an average person does not think of killing themself.

I guess i've been wresting with spiruality, is thinking there is no space for us miserable people in the world, an observation or just a thought?

For me it's a little bit of both. The idea is - you should either feel relatively happy, or actively look for your happiness. Media, marketing, other social stuff - it feels like all of it centred around it. Or worse - exploits one's fear of losing said happiness. And if you feel miserable - it's temporary. Everything will be alright. Everything will be fine. You'll find what you're looking for.
And people around me? They have their basic needs fulfilled and they are satisfied. And they want to live. Even though their lives are meaningless.

 

[NZkiwi]

If I were, I wouldn't end up thinking about hanging myself all the time. So... No. I am kinda stupid.

Natural selection. Stabilizing selection, to be exact. The society itself needs you to be average. And an average person does not think of killing themself.

For me it's a little bit of both. The idea is - you should either feel relatively happy, or actively look for your happiness. Media, marketing, other social stuff - it feels like all of it centred around it. Or worse - exploits one's fear of losing said happiness. And if you feel miserable - it's temporary. Everything will be alright. Everything will be fine. You'll find what you're looking for.
And people around me? They have their basic needs fulfilled and they are satisfied. And they want to live. Even though their lives are meaningless.

I need a bit of time to reply think about your message

The theme I still percieve in your messages is your treating your subjective experience/opion as external/universal truth, but i'm trying to figure out how to word it the right way.


You're right, maybe you are dumb cause you should take the compliment instead of deflecting :P (sarcasm)

Hows the gym journey going for you? I've haven't run in a couple weeks and i probably need to make time

I do not want to pay for someone who treats me like a kindergartener and acts like my teacher.

I like this line. Thank you for sharing. You have unique snippets about recovery I like adding to my vocab, makes me feel like i am still growing.

Night all.
I have volunteering in the afternoon and work in the evening. I need to get some sleep lol.

 

[Cloud Busting]

I had two weeks of vacation and felt like stuff is getting a bit better. Some of my energy returned and with it the motivation to do anything at all. I started crafting again, mediation, just resting.

Then Monday came and after the first day of work I was already as drained as if the vacation had never happened. Til Friday it got a tiny bit better, but now, during the weekend, I'm so burned out again, I can't do anything useful. I can't quit, I can't work somewhere else, can't move. I'm stuck with having to work until I get burned out enough to collapse. Cause when I tell anyone about how I am right now, all people and doctors tell me is: Oh, but everyone is exhausted after work. You're just lazy and want to live without working!!!111

So yeah... Basically waiting to finally collapse for good. Maybe then someone will take me seriously.

Something good... I made a bunch of macrame bracelets and a necklace while watching the new Star Trek episodes. That was fun and relaxing.

How have you been lately? Ugh this thread is too much pressure I feel bad when I'm not providing my duty of helping others participating but that's why I hate commitments and obligations I can't take the pressure. It was so cute how usagi drop would tag everyone or even highflight but like I jidt can't keep up I can just whine i guess

I need to go make breakfast rather than constantly worry about the status of this thread or subforum

 

[LRkin]

You're right, maybe you are dumb cause you should take the compliment instead of deflecting :P (sarcasm)

My bad. I can't take compliments as I don't believe that someone can genuinely compliment me. I see it either as sarcasm, or people just overestimating me.

Hows the gym journey going for you? I've haven't run in a couple weeks and i probably need to make time

No gym. Have neither money nor initiative for it.

 

[Cloud Busting]

@NZkiwi

Hey… you said you're like… exploring your faith. I struggle to take a leap of faith dude it scares me endlessly cuz what if I get screwed over taken advantage of conned ployed scammed like a sucker they ate within one Big Crunch but I didn't hear em crunch me up to ashes so I trusted them thinking they help me fly yet here I fall…. Cuz I'm a naive dummy…

That takes me into the dark abyss… the underworld of my mind… and I see no light in it

Just a sealed fate of DOOM

Then I become the brainwashed sheeple I accuse others of being

I have a spirit guide his name is chirpy… the only light that's real (beyond you know physical light) and I won't get into it as I don't have time right now

But he has soft power. The universe gave him to me. He watches over me… just like each layer and dimension of the universe does and will he's a reflection of the universe and he tells me how to harness my soft power so I can show ppl the way….

Most ppl think I sound insane in the membrane. I am… but I feel like you'd appreciate it

 

[StarsAbove]

How has it gone opening up to you friends about your suicidality for people in this chat?

No one knew. I dont volunteer the info. They would probably be nice but I think they would be uncomfortable. A couple friends non chalantly mentioned their attempts before and I didnt want to make it about me so I didnt say anything then about my own SI. I was surprised to hear they attempted becaude I felt like they had such loving, caring familys and I couldnt imagine how anyone would want to kill themselves if they had that. I never actually attempted but was shocked that people who seemed to have great lives did attempt. I now know better, and that you can want to kill yourself for any number of reasons.

 

[NZkiwi]

hey ill reply to individual messages soon
just gonna post this here for now
hope everyone is well


i tried to hang myself lastnight

more impuslive decision i dont really have a rationelle around it

i had a pretty alright day

was trying to feel something
i can empathise with others but not myself

and just yeah tried to shittily hang myself using a belt in my room
door nob was real low
belt kinda hurt

felt tingly but didnt passout

then just took my meds and went to bed

felt really guilty for letting my friends down afterwards

didnt want to call crisis

sent them this

""""
just messaging cause part of safety plan and i feel incredibly guilty now

im sorry im sorry im sorry

im okay
just gonna take my meds and go to sleep
quetiapine will knock me out

i dont know how to communicate somethings
idk just felt off
might of tried to hang myself tonight after work
it was a shitty attempt, not plannednand it woudlnt have worked either, door knob was too low and belt would have just made me feel uncomfortable than black out or anything

idk im gonna probably regret sending this
im okay just feel pretty shitty and dont want to burdern one person so just gonna shout into the void

im sorry
im sorry
im sorry
"""




and then got a call from my friend who was on night shift a few minutes later
but i was just tired and hust went to bed
felt okay

morning comes
i go have lunch with him before work

we call crisis togeather
make a plan i guess
gonna see the team on tuesday anyway

and he summerises it in the group chat



***

Hello everyone, I just thought I'd do a comprehensive update here rather than messaging each of you individually. ######. has given me permission to share a bit more. He came around to my place this afternoon for a really nice lunch. He's doing okay and he's safe. We've got a protective plan in place which includes keeping him busy with work and he will reach out to local support networks. I.e @@#@@ if he's in need, we've called the crisis team to keep them updated and a doctor may reach out to him today. They will give him a follow-up call tomorrow as well. One of the issues we identified is his 7-Day dispensing and the fact that he has run out of his lithium but has quetiapine available. He will acquire an emergency supply of medication today and get another script sorted through his usual team at the next opportunity. He has a scheduled appointment with his &&&&&&-based psychiatrist on Tuesday, which will be a good opportunity to go through things in more detail. Thank you for all being there for him - he knows to reach out to us if he needs it and I trust he will do that.

***

gosh im lucky

friends reached out to me making plans
idk
im just passing time
working at the bar today

sigh

who knows

sigh

anyway

hope everyones night was better than mine
my neck hurts
i finished my break meal back to shift smiling
i feel super guilty and embarassed and i wish i wasnt like this

 

[LRkin]

i tried to hang myself lastnight

Oh dear. I am glad that you survived and relatively well.

i feel super guilty and embarassed and i wish i wasnt like this

You don't have to feel guilty. Weird things happen all the time, and sometimes our impulses take the best of us. At least you're alive and have courage to . And your friends didn't turn their backs on you. It means something, right?

 

[StarsAbove]

hey ill reply to individual messages soon
just gonna post this here for now
hope everyone is well


i tried to hang myself lastnight

more impuslive decision i dont really have a rationelle around it

i had a pretty alright day

was trying to feel something
i can empathise with others but not myself

and just yeah tried to shittily hang myself using a belt in my room
door nob was real low
belt kinda hurt

felt tingly but didnt passout

then just took my meds and went to bed

felt really guilty for letting my friends down afterwards

didnt want to call crisis

sent them this

""""
just messaging cause part of safety plan and i feel incredibly guilty now

im sorry im sorry im sorry

im okay
just gonna take my meds and go to sleep
quetiapine will knock me out

i dont know how to communicate somethings
idk just felt off
might of tried to hang myself tonight after work
it was a shitty attempt, not plannednand it woudlnt have worked either, door knob was too low and belt would have just made me feel uncomfortable than black out or anything

idk im gonna probably regret sending this
im okay just feel pretty shitty and dont want to burdern one person so just gonna shout into the void

im sorry
im sorry
im sorry
"""




and then got a call from my friend who was on night shift a few minutes later
but i was just tired and hust went to bed
felt okay

morning comes
i go have lunch with him before work

we call crisis togeather
make a plan i guess
gonna see the team on tuesday anyway

and he summerises it in the group chat



***

Hello everyone, I just thought I'd do a comprehensive update here rather than messaging each of you individually. ######. has given me permission to share a bit more. He came around to my place this afternoon for a really nice lunch. He's doing okay and he's safe. We've got a protective plan in place which includes keeping him busy with work and he will reach out to local support networks. I.e @@#@@ if he's in need, we've called the crisis team to keep them updated and a doctor may reach out to him today. They will give him a follow-up call tomorrow as well. One of the issues we identified is his 7-Day dispensing and the fact that he has run out of his lithium but has quetiapine available. He will acquire an emergency supply of medication today and get another script sorted through his usual team at the next opportunity. He has a scheduled appointment with his &&&&&&-based psychiatrist on Tuesday, which will be a good opportunity to go through things in more detail. Thank you for all being there for him - he knows to reach out to us if he needs it and I trust he will do that.

***

gosh im lucky

friends reached out to me making plans
idk
im just passing time
working at the bar today

sigh

who knows

sigh

anyway

hope everyones night was better than mine
my neck hurts
i finished my break meal back to shift smiling
i feel super guilty and embarassed and i wish i wasnt like this

I'm really sorry you're hurting this much. I hope you can reach out to someone you trust or someone who can support you directly right now. Wishing you safety and hoping things get a little lighter for you

 

[Webcore]

I had some sort of awful break in reality last night
I got so scared having an anxiety attack and fell right back into planning an attempt in the worst manner possible (knife to the throat)
I want to recover, and Im currently medicated, so I think Im just scared of myself, why I had an attack like that despite being on meds and being clean for months now.

 

[NZkiwi]

I had some sort of awful break in reality last night
I got so scared having an anxiety attack and fell right back into planning an attempt in the worst manner possible (knife to the throat)
I want to recover, and Im currently medicated, so I think Im just scared of myself, why I had an attack like that despite being on meds and being clean for months now.

Welcome to the recovery thread @Webcore

Sorry to hear you're going through it
Pretty shitty and scary experience in hinsight isn't it
glad you're okay

And it sucks (I understand) feeling like your regressing as you're making progress. How are you feeling now?

***

I have a spirit guide his name is chirpy…

I like to think there is a little bit of god in each of us
Was talking to some christian dude on campus a while ago and he talked about his realtionship with god
Well I don't have one, maybe my god is my suicidal ideation
Is it like having a relatioship with your spirit guide
Faith i think is about alignment, are you alined to what chirpy suggests you do
I'm glad you don't feel alone in in your head.

Keen to hear more if you wish to share


***


Thank you @StarsAbove @LRkin , I'm well supported irl thankfully, i'm very lucky. I just use this place to organise my thoughts and feel little less alone when I do. hope you are both doing well your self

I'm glad to have friends than have my back, i kinda feel bad for letting them down


I've been pondering how I might have 2 mechnism to be suicidal, one is the background humm collerated withlong term planning
One is the impulsiveness when I attempt that doesn't really follow the plan and do things recklessly.. Learning more aboutmyself at leas


I feel a little weak I didn't use a more lethal method tbh, kinda hate saying it but it's true. :/
I guess on the flip side good thing I didn't have what I need to successfully try kill myself

Last attempt was similar, I just wanted to "Feel" something and ended up OD but that was like 7/8 years ago and I was much younger
I think I just wanto feel something idk

What are your guys experiences with this?

**

Off to bed, finished another shift at the bar
Was busy asf today