"I'd like to feel a bit better/ I'd like to recover" Support Group Megathread

[LRkin]

So... uh... Had quite a weird morning. Had to wake up at 5:40AM to attend to our bosse's birthday party (he decided to throw it BEFORE working hours). And had to drink some sparkling wine (just a little, but considering that I fast myself it eventually got me). And right after that I had to work on a big spreadsheet, calculating stuff and double checking it. It feels like my brain is completely drained, but... at least I don't feel anxious. Empty and tired, but not anxious.


I wish each and every one of users here a good day, night or evening.

 

[DeathJester]

Hii, does anyone have any good tips to confront or even defeat thoughts of or the urge to SH. I am in a very uncomfortable state of mind that I just want to get out of, even if it's just temporarely.

 

[Cloud Busting]

@LRkin oh man I used to drink on my jobs cuz I wasn't anxious stressed and uptight when I drank don't recommend

@DeathJester what kinds of self harm thoughts? I have permanent scars from cutting and burning. For me, trying to use will power, or shaming myself for feeling that way made everything worse.

Do you know about DBT? It's designed for regulation, to help people with intense emotions, chronic suicidal ideation, addiction, impulse control problems. Some of the strategies are generally useful. It's split into four different skill groups. Emotional regulation and distress tolerance are the modules you may find useful. Personally I really like the interpersonal skills (: but that's my biggest struggle right now.

Personally I really like ride the wave/urge surfing for dealing with impulses but I'm also a very visual person so YMMV guided imagery helps me A LOT (also why I like psychedelics and art haha)

Here is a non profit that runs digital support groups and also has useful information:

Self-Injury Recovery & Awareness

Self harm, Self-Injury, Non-Suicidal Self-Injury

www.thesira.org

Also honestly the Nami text line is useful. I don't trust 988 lol. But as long as you're not suicidal they won't report you. Text Nami to 62640. I've texted them before when struggling with dissociation or a lack of motivation or rage problems LOL

***

Personal update, shit day, struggling but I'm figuring it out. Dissociation equals shit

 

[Musiclover338]

@Musiclover338 i cbf to quote hence tag

That's interesting, can you link a song by them? I've never heard of them. Fast speedy shit motivates me because it gets my blood going I love fast chaotic crazy shit with lots of blasts of explosion and noise and weird chord progressions and shit heavy bass lines and distortion just gets me pumping same with electronic music

 

[DeathJester]

@Cloud Busting
Thank you very much, I'll look into it!

 

[never mind me]

@DeathJester I can also recommend looking at skills. If you find the right ones they can be useful. For me the most useful thing is usually to do some kind of physical exercice, no matter, if it is going for a walk, inline skating or even just doing push ups.

My voice is improving further (although I didn't talk that much since Saturday), so I feel like I can do day to day stuff without trouble. And my throat also doesn't get painful anymore when I go cycling or inline skating, despite the wind.
The reflux also improved to a point that I started skipping the Gaviscon advance after some meals. Now the only time it still bothers me on occasion is at night. But even then it is not too bad.
And with my health now being decent enough to live almost normally (the main thing remaining is that I can't do drugs and speak for long periods of time and I probably should still be careful for a while with exposure to extreme climate conditions) I am pretty much back to being my normal cheerful self. I am actually enjoying life once more.

I was even in for a positive surprise when contacting the tax office the other day: I had been self-employed in the past and earlier this year they wanted me to fill a form about ending the business, because I didn't actively pursue my business in the past couple of years. I did this, but expected that they still want more complicated calculations about the money I gained in the last few years when I was still self-employed that are hard to do on your own without an accountant that costs a lot of money. At least I know they had asked for this in similar cases in the past. So I was mentally preparing for the worst, but all they told me was: "Your business is closed now, there is nothing more you have to do."

 

[NZkiwi]

Absolutly mediocre weather today

Heading back home

Going to have my introduction shift volunteering at hosptial in the oncology wards

bartending this evening

got a call from a small rural hospital exploring weather i could work for them as a junior doctor and restart my training last week, sent some emails with some oaperwork unsure if im too unwell to return to the medical workforce






Saw psychiatrist on the weekend

im definitly not faking being suicidal aparently

she agreeded with me that its less about deep depression and my life is shit and i have to end it, meds are working for that

but more
me throwing out the toys out the cot (she used a softened analogy but i forgot it
not living the life i want

i used to have trouble letting got
have fixed that

and now i have new issue of deep suicidal ideation and planning

she also wasnt a fan of my emotional numbing
?meds idk

i am seeing a public psychologist next week, she was busy yesterday so couldnt join me during the psychiatry review

do you know how serious you have to be in new zealand for public psychologist to see you? not just therapy, public clinical psychologist.


called my childhood friend, uodated him
he is training to be a registered clinical psychologist here
and even he was curious what they would suggest

i asked for a month supply of medication
psychiatrist said no, im getting weekly prescribing

small steps

i still want to kill myself but i am not currently planning snything further
the thoight of having straps around my neck keep playimg again and again and again in my head i cant turn it off

**

hope you are all well

So... uh... Had quite a weird morning. Had to wake up at 5:40AM to attend to our bosse's birthday party (he decided to throw it BEFORE working hours). And had to drink some sparkling wine (just a little, but considering that I fast myself it eventually got me). And right after that I had to work on a big spreadsheet, calculating stuff and double checking it. It feels like my brain is completely drained, but... at least I don't feel anxious. Empty and tired, but not anxious.


I wish each and every one of users here a good day, night or evening.

having it before work is super weird lol i could never

Hii, does anyone have any good tips to confront or even defeat thoughts of or the urge to SH. I am in a very uncomfortable state of mind that I just want to get out of, even if it's just temporarely.

everyone acts differently but maybe consider tresting it as a different tab jn your mind

i agree with @never mind me and @Cloud Busting distraction is good
i enjoy running
so are cold showers can geound you too
old therapist suggest cold plunges
somepeople vape (pick your poison)

different things ground you

hope you can keep us updated what works and what does not

 

[Musiclover338]

@LRkin oh man I used to drink on my jobs cuz I wasn't anxious stressed and uptight when I drank don't recommend

@DeathJester what kinds of self harm thoughts? I have permanent scars from cutting and burning. For me, trying to use will power, or shaming myself for feeling that way made everything worse.

Do you know about DBT? It's designed for regulation, to help people with intense emotions, chronic suicidal ideation, addiction, impulse control problems. Some of the strategies are generally useful. It's split into four different skill groups. Emotional regulation and distress tolerance are the modules you may find useful. Personally I really like the interpersonal skills (: but that's my biggest struggle right now.

Personally I really like ride the wave/urge surfing for dealing with impulses but I'm also a very visual person so YMMV guided imagery helps me A LOT (also why I like psychedelics and art haha)

Here is a non profit that runs digital support groups and also has useful information:

Self-Injury Recovery & Awareness

Self harm, Self-Injury, Non-Suicidal Self-Injury

www.thesira.org

Also honestly the Nami text line is useful. I don't trust 988 lol. But as long as you're not suicidal they won't report you. Text Nami to 62640. I've texted them before when struggling with dissociation or a lack of motivation or rage problems LOL

***

Personal update, shit day, struggling but I'm figuring it out. Dissociation equals shit

ive heard good things about EDMR therapy too, its like using eye movements to process trauma and stuff.

but yeah 988 i think they call the police to do a visit or send someone if you tell them "you have plans to harm yourself or someone else" so be careful what you say to them

 

[NZkiwi]

yeah 988 i think they call the police to do a visit or send someone if you tell them "you have plans to harm yourself or someone else" so be careful what you say to them

is there a grey area in your part of the world where you can be honest to the right people without being locked in a psych ward/police being called?

 

[LRkin]

@LRkin oh man I used to drink on my jobs cuz I wasn't anxious stressed and uptight when I drank don't recommend

Used to drink on the job when I was working as a vet. It made it easier to cope with stress, and I found out that my hands were steadier this way. Didn't overthink stuff and so on and so forth. But then I started driving a car and I had to quit.

Personal update, shit day, struggling but I'm figuring it out. Dissociation equals shit

I hope that you'll make it through even if the cirumstances are dire.

My voice is improving further (although I didn't talk that much since Saturday), so I feel like I can do day to day stuff without trouble. And my throat also doesn't get painful anymore when I go cycling or inline skating, despite the wind.
The reflux also improved to a point that I started skipping the Gaviscon advance after some meals. Now the only time it still bothers me on occasion is at night. But even then it is not too bad.

That's actually good news! Evein if your recovery takes time, every positive change is a good one.

not living the life i want

TBF, I do not know (personally, of course) anyone who actually lives the life they want. I think it's a matter of perspective, but I may be wrong.

***

So... It appears it's my 100th post on SaSu. As for my mental health... I think it is a tad more stable than previously. Another plateau. Mostly because I am too tired to think. However, I caught myself fantasising about meeting my last ex and telling her how much I hate her. And realised that I kinda miss her. Or maybe I just miss the way I felt when we were together. I don't know. Maybe I am a bad person. Probably. But when I imagined this conversation it just felt so right.

And I wish each and every one of users in this thread a good morning, day, evening or night

 

[ConfusedClouds]

Good morning from this part of the world!

I'm also guilty of having drunk before work. I don't drive often, and that would be a nogo combo. But cycling/walking my commute depending on which job/life. I was drinking quite a bit the past few days. I think I've finally come to understand that for me its the warming hug sensation as well as getting a more chill vibe. There's also complications where I have an inconsistent body (aches/fatigue/bowels/urine). Nothing bad/alarm-worthy, just can be annoying. But if I've been drinking then I can dismiss it and put it down to simply drinking/hangover, which then takes my head off of overanalysing if anything is significant or not. Also helped me push on with keeping training regular - self inflicted tiredness or feeling slightly rough is no excuse to be lazy/bail on something like weights. So I often found it easier to force myself through. I'm generally drinking much less now, mainly as I'm under medical investigations which means bloods. And I don't wanna give the docs any easy excuses to blame symptoms/results on. In case any longer term affects started showing. But since my consultant has really pissed me off and then I twinged my back during deadlifts last weekend. And having days off. Well, the bottle of whisky is significantly emptier than a few days ago. Am happy with myself that I kept it 'light'. As in. Didn't go through the entire bottle in 2-3 days as has been done many a time before. I also don't trust my memory in general. So, again, its easier to accept shit memory or questioning my memories if things have a reason to be hazy.

Anywho, thankfully no cravings this morning. Heading out on a light/gentle jog to test out my back, then into a few day shifts. Work is good for me. 12h shifts, half in more admin office (can be busy on weekday day shifts), half on 'duty' doing regular routine checks and reports, but in a solo office. Time usually absolutely flies by. So its handy to have work shifts for me to disappear into an autopilot robot routine and kill off a few days.


@never mind me
Such good news about the improvements. I really hope you keep seeing/feeling results. Is your climbing trip this weekend?

 

[pickedmyctbdate]

Wow! Even though, I'm not with you guys (I've given up---I'm gone September 16), but....just wow. People are SO WRONG about this forum. That a thread and a space like this also exists. I've seen other support resources for making the conscious choice to live. And, y'know, I salute you! I think it's really awesome this thread is here and all of you are really strong and brave. We're strong and brave in different ways, once we've made the decision one way or the other.

I'm just stunned by how WRONG people are about this forum. It's about choice, and those of you on this thread have made a valid and brave choice. Peace is all I want. For everyone.

 

[Cloud Busting]

I am taking a hiatus from this thread

I was gonna tag ppl and you know honestly

I'm not in a good place. For the first time in my life, I can be upfront about that.

I need to be selfish. I need to take care of myself. Focus on my needs rather than sacrifice myself for others in order to make up for my mistakes… and that's impossible. I still wish to go forward and transform and give back to the community… give back what I robbed others from. Guilty conscious is just stabbing me right in the scruples.

How can I receive redemption?

Oh I know. I won't. But there's a lot of shit I'm curious about and I wanna get out there and experience it for myself. I can't keep wasting time worrying it away cus my conscious keeps nagging at me. I gotta let go. Sure, some things I will never forget, but I can make peace and move forward rather than stay stuck.

I was embarrassed to stay stuck. Ashamed. So…. I kept it a secret I was all sneaky clandestine and I'm tired of it. I can't handle this shit alone. I'm weak, so I need a team I can rely on. My mistake was assuming needing others made me weak. Nah, it's human. We're a community.

I'm very privileged to be in a place where I can be vulnerable. Not everyone has this opportunity. I never used to. I'm lucky, I'm blessed. As uncle Ben would say, "with great power comes great responsibility."

I need to prioritize responsibility. I struggle with thst I guess.

I don't know. Im confused. I hope yall will keep it running. I was so sad to see it die. I love the life and energy it has. Keep it lively all.

Maybe one day I'll discuss my therapy journey cuz yall had lots of qs (;

This place is not meeting my needs right now. Peace out yall

 

[Cloud Busting]

@pickedmyctbdate

1) who says you're not with us? If you actually read this thread you'll see that plenty of people here ended up cbt anyway… even people who weren't ready to recover were still allowed here. You don't have to be in recovery to post here. You just have to be respectful of others, to not act as if all is hopeless.

It's not like people with active plans and those who are reconsidering are on different teams or something. We can co-exist.

2)

I see you have a date. I'm sorry it's come to this and I wish you well in wherever you end up. If you decide to join us instead of cbt, that doesn't make you a fraud, merely human. And if you do go through, I wish you peace on the other side.

However, it is interesting you act as if because you're out of hope now, that means you couldn't restore it in the future. I mean if that's your only option I understand. How sure are you, though? It's a good thing to consider before you go through with it, you know?

I mean I changed my plans, then reconsidered, then doubled down. You make it sound like such a neat, clean, finalized decision. If that's where you're at cool, but I do question if things are as absolute as you assume.

The only thing guaranteed in life is death… it's why suicide appeals I guess lol

3) what recovery resources are you referring to? Has it ever occurred to you that the existing recovery spaces suck and people would like to foster alternatives?

4) if you actually paid attention, you'd notice that people here have experiences with misogyny, or people telling them recovery is hopeless. The suicide subfourm is much more active than here, yet the recovery subforum is dead. I revived this thread because it died. People even said they felt nervous or discouraged to post here cuz they felt their efforts were for nothing or they were ignored or even being told their recovery efforts are shallow and naive.

I can provide actual examples of people being discouraging to me when I mentioned considering therapy or trying to be whole. People saying therapy and medication is evil always. Mental illness denial. Yet I can also show you people who were concerned, checked in on me, were willing to try and get me to reconsider, and the mods actually banning people who cheered on my suicide attempt and plenty of people standing up for me.

This thread may have pro choice ethos but people have different interpretations of what pro choice means. A website or culture can have pros and cons. Two things can be true at once. It can also be true that hopeless narratives can also dominate hopeful ones. That's the real worry we've been discussing.

Questioning a narrative is just asking for nuance it doesn't mean disrupting peace. Two people can disagree yet still get along.

You made some bold claims. Where's your evidence to support them?

****

And this is why I need to leave this site instead of improving my mental health im engaging in a flame war

 

[pickedmyctbdate]

@pickedmyctbdate

1) who says you're not with us? If you actually read this thread you'll see that plenty of people here ended up cbt anyway… even people who weren't ready to recover were still allowed here. You don't have to be in recovery to post here. You just have to be respectful of others, to not act as if all is hopeless.

It's not like people with active plans and those who are reconsidering are on different teams or something. We can co-exist.

2)

I see you have a date. I'm sorry it's come to this and I wish you well in wherever you end up. If you decide to join us instead of cbt, that doesn't make you a fraud, merely human. And if you do go through, I wish you peace on the other side.

However, it is interesting you act as if because you're out of hope now, that means you couldn't restore it in the future. I mean if that's your only option I understand. How sure are you, though? It's a good thing to consider before you go through with it, you know?

I mean I changed my plans, then reconsidered, then doubled down. You make it sound like such a neat, clean, finalized decision. If that's where you're at cool, but I do question if things are as absolute as you assume.

The only thing guaranteed in life is death… it's why suicide appeals I guess lol

3) what recovery resources are you referring to? Has it ever occurred to you that the existing recovery spaces suck and people would like to foster alternatives?

4) if you actually paid attention, you'd notice that people here have experiences with misogyny, or people telling them recovery is hopeless. The suicide subfourm is much more active than here, yet the recovery subforum is dead. I revived this thread because it died. People even said they felt nervous or discouraged to post here cuz they felt their efforts were for nothing or they were ignored or even being told their recovery efforts are shallow and naive.

I can provide actual examples of people being discouraging to me when I mentioned considering therapy or trying to be whole. People saying therapy and medication is evil always. Mental illness denial. Yet I can also show you people who were concerned, checked in on me, were willing to try and get me to reconsider, and the mods actually banning people who cheered on my suicide attempt and plenty of people standing up for me.

This thread may have pro choice ethos but people have different interpretations of what pro choice means. A website or culture can have pros and cons. Two things can be true at once. It can also be true that hopeless narratives can also dominate hopeful ones. That's the real worry we've been discussing.

Questioning a narrative is just asking for nuance it doesn't mean disrupting peace. Two people can disagree yet still get along.

You made some bold claims. Where's your evidence to support them?

****

And this is why I need to leave this site instead of improving my mental health im engaging in a flame war

You make excellent points. All of them. (I wondered why my post prompted an angry emoji from someone---your post helped me maybe understand why; I apologize).

You're right. I might change my mind. I thought about changing my mind last night. Then woke up hating myself as usual and flayed my arm open to make myself feel better. (It worked, perversely, but it's a pain in the ass in the summer when you can't cover the cut with sleeves!)

Honestly, I was just stunned at how WRONG the general public (and/because-of the media) are about this forum. It is truly is pro-CHOICE here. Your life is yours and you get that CHOICE. If you read media reports, virtually ALL get that wrong and condemn this forum (and its predecessors, one of which I had an account on, so---you're right again: I'm still on the planet, after all) as nothing but a bad place that's practically FORCING people to ctb.

But I'm starting to feel that same self-hatred.....that same, no matter where I go, I will piss people off and they wish I was just gone...about this forum as well. Like I should just leave, because otherwise I will be hated, and then I will want to die. Rinse, repeat. This sort of thing is always exactly how it starts, where I said something that was interpreted in ways I wasn't thinking when I said it.

Reading your post, I 100% agree with you! It's NOT two separate teams. I'm GLAD you revived this thread. I'm glad it's here. Maybe I'll change my mind and join it. But probably not....because people+me never ends well.... Ever. And that is why I don't want to live anymore. That's the main reason (among several other smaller reasons, but those smaller reasons alone would probably not be enough).

 

[StarsAbove]

I am taking a hiatus from this thread

I was gonna tag ppl and you know honestly

I'm not in a good place. For the first time in my life, I can be upfront about that.

I need to be selfish. I need to take care of myself. Focus on my needs rather than sacrifice myself for others in order to make up for my mistakes… and that's impossible. I still wish to go forward and transform and give back to the community… give back what I robbed others from. Guilty conscious is just stabbing me right in the scruples.

How can I receive redemption?

Oh I know. I won't. But there's a lot of shit I'm curious about and I wanna get out there and experience it for myself. I can't keep wasting time worrying it away cus my conscious keeps nagging at me. I gotta let go. Sure, some things I will never forget, but I can make peace and move forward rather than stay stuck.

I was embarrassed to stay stuck. Ashamed. So…. I kept it a secret I was all sneaky clandestine and I'm tired of it. I can't handle this shit alone. I'm weak, so I need a team I can rely on. My mistake was assuming needing others made me weak. Nah, it's human. We're a community.

I'm very privileged to be in a place where I can be vulnerable. Not everyone has this opportunity. I never used to. I'm lucky, I'm blessed. As uncle Ben would say, "with great power comes great responsibility."

I need to prioritize responsibility. I struggle with thst I guess.

I don't know. Im confused. I hope yall will keep it running. I was so sad to see it die. I love the life and energy it has. Keep it lively all.

Maybe one day I'll discuss my therapy journey cuz yall had lots of qs (;

This place is not meeting my needs right now. Peace out yall

I didnt get to know you too well, but you always seemed to impart some sort of wisdom and just had a good energy overall. Might not mean much from a stranger, but I will miss what you brought to SaSu but I commend you for doing what is best for you and I wish you all the best on your journey!

 

[StarsAbove]

Can I share a bit of a win? Today was a good day after a couple really rough ones. I went out with a friend and was really just able to enjoy the moment. I think that is what I have to do to stay on track. Not dwell on the past or think too hard about the future. Oh and this is silly but I got to meet the dad from that show the Nanny and got my picture taken with him today too lol.

 

[infinitanocte]

Can I share a bit of a win? Today was a good day after a couple really rough ones. I went out with a friend and was really just able to enjoy the moment. I think that is what I have to do to stay on track. Not dwell on the past or think too hard about the future. Oh and this is silly but I got to meet the dad from that show the Nanny and got my picture taken with him today too lol.

That sounds like a great day! It can be so hard sometimes to stay in the moment and enjoy it. I hope you have more days like this :)

 

[CrowsFeather]

I had two weeks of vacation and felt like stuff is getting a bit better. Some of my energy returned and with it the motivation to do anything at all. I started crafting again, mediation, just resting.

Then Monday came and after the first day of work I was already as drained as if the vacation had never happened. Til Friday it got a tiny bit better, but now, during the weekend, I'm so burned out again, I can't do anything useful. I can't quit, I can't work somewhere else, can't move. I'm stuck with having to work until I get burned out enough to collapse. Cause when I tell anyone about how I am right now, all people and doctors tell me is: Oh, but everyone is exhausted after work. You're just lazy and want to live without working!!!111

So yeah... Basically waiting to finally collapse for good. Maybe then someone will take me seriously.

Something good... I made a bunch of macrame bracelets and a necklace while watching the new Star Trek episodes. That was fun and relaxing.

 

[ConfusedClouds]

I'm feeling more 'positive' too. But mostly due to maladaptive ways.

Good reason - a week after pulling a muscle in my back I'm confident now which one it is and so I'm less stressed by soreness or other symptoms/sensations. Too early to be pissed off by it yet. 1 week rest, then next week I'll return to upper body but stay chilled with lower body to rest it. So there's a plan of action which also kicks the can down the road another week before I'll really feel the need for it to be better already. But I also have physio again then.

Bad reason - someone called in sick to work so I picked up a load of overtime night shifts (5of6 nights), which I like because time disappears when I'm working. 12h shifts I'm mostly kept busy but then only 12h to actually need to manage myself, inc exercise and sleep. Everything just rolls from one thing to the next on autopilot.

Broadly speaking I'm feeling the closest I ever have to the idea of recontacting people from past lives. But I just know it would be a bad idea. And also need to acknowledge that I'm drinking again.

 

[NZkiwi]

And also need to acknowledge that I'm drinking again.

Yo, sick invites (sarcasm)


I never used to drink alone. I found when I was working in australia and I had the evening off, I would buy a bottle of wine ($5 there!) and just drink it ... cause I had nothing better to do.

Is it the same with you when you have time off you drink cause it's a way to past the time, makes watching movies, etc a little bit easier

Can numb the pain

I guess all problems started off as solutions

Everything just rolls from one thing to the next on autopilot.

Yeah it's much easy to distract yourself when there is work to do


***

Maybe I'll change my mind and join it.

Hope you keep posting here again. Always here to hug react your post if you want some internet points

**

I was working as a vet

Still work on the industry on on an hiatus. Just curious if you wanna share, vets are technically healthcare.

**

I'm not in a good place. For the first time in my life, I can be upfront about that.

I'm glad you can accept that. Must have been a strong feeling to feel.
All the best on your recovery journey. =)

*******

Been thinking about suicidal ideation and comparing to food noise in annorexic people
I don't have an eating disorder, I can just eat. Moderate my intake. Don't restrict my diet or choices etc.

I wrote it about it somewhere else. let me copy and paste it


I opened up to one of my close friends friends about more that was going on and she mentioned that me writing suicide notes/buying things was a form of self harm, similar to how she used to (much better now) restricts diet, and talks about her food noise

She also told me about the ED forums she went on, which had similar vibes to I guess how sanctioned suicide is talked about amoungst suicidal people


I'm just thinking about this out loud, I guess her food noise she hears is similar to the suicidal thoughts that I have

I guess I'm clinically trained. If I can investigate how ED food noise works, surely I can fix my suicidal ideation through the same translated technique

Just question for the void -- if you imagine your suicidality as food noise, then how would you fix yourself? Idk if that makes sense

 

[pickedmyctbdate]

And this is why I need to leave this site instead of improving my mental health im engaging in a flame war

I (of all people) will not try to dissuade you from a hiatus, especially if it is not conducive to your health and feeling the way you want to feel every day.

But I hope you don't think you began a flame war with me---far from it! I agree with you, and I am spending MORE TIME in this thread now than any other.

I have no data to support this (and personally I'm still planning to ctb soon): But I'd be willing to bet this site is keeping more people from boarding the bus than prompting them to catch it. Just....a feeling I have....nothing reliable. I feel that way reading other threads too. Unexpected ones, too, like about methods.

When the choice is truly in one's own hands and one becomes fully aware of that....I just wouldn't be surprised if more people decide to wait for the next bus than catch the current one. Another bus will always come along later.

Lots of people feel more secure knowing they have the means to end their own life should they wish to, and they've never felt actively suicidal. Just having the choice gives them a sense of security. It's complicated.

I feel like you have helped me understand some things that I have never understood before.

Do what is best for you, of course. If that's a hiatus, I (personally/selfishly) hope you will be able to and will want to return very soon. I find you very wise and poised.

 

[pickedmyctbdate]

So, I've been placed on moderation.
Ok, sorry. Fuck it.
I'll leave this thread and not return.
Jesus Christ....what is WRONG WITH ME?!?

I actually joined a paid group to help with employment. Made it two days I was kicked out.

Now I'm "moderation," so I see that shit's begun. I'm outta here!! All the warm fuzzies I was feeling just drained away when I saw that I'm consideed a loose cannon who....I don't know MIGHT say something crazy!

Fuck it. Wish you all the best. @NZkiwi I don't care about points, but I would have accepted the Internet hugs.

But not on fucking "moderation." There is something seriously WRONG with me.

 

[NZkiwi]

So, I've been placed on moderation.
Ok, sorry. Fuck it.
I'll leave this thread and not return.
Jesus Christ....what is WRONG WITH ME?!?

I actually joined a paid group to help with employment. Made it two days I was kicked out.

Now I'm "moderation," so I see that shit's begun. I'm outta here!! All the warm fuzzies I was feeling just drained away when I saw that I'm consideed a loose cannon who....I don't know MIGHT say something crazy!

Fuck it. Wish you all the best. @NZkiwi I don't care about points, but I would have accepted the Internet hugs.

But not on fucking "moderation." There is something seriously WRONG with me.

your swell my dude

just happens

happened to me once and i didnt even do anything

keep posting here. you are welcome here

 

[rainwillneverstop]

So, I've been placed on moderation.
Ok, sorry. Fuck it.
I'll leave this thread and not return.
Jesus Christ....what is WRONG WITH ME?!?

I actually joined a paid group to help with employment. Made it two days I was kicked out.

Now I'm "moderation," so I see that shit's begun. I'm outta here!! All the warm fuzzies I was feeling just drained away when I saw that I'm consideed a loose cannon who....I don't know MIGHT say something crazy!

Fuck it. Wish you all the best. @NZkiwi I don't care about points, but I would have accepted the Internet hugs.

But not on fucking "moderation." There is something seriously WRONG with me.

It's just picking up certain words, don't take it personally, it's an automated system and if you didn't say anything wrong then it'll usually be approved shortly after.

 

[infinitanocte]

Sorry to be off-topic but I thought I would share with you @pickedmyctbdate that I earlier kept reading the earlier part of your username as pickle and didn't think much of it since there are all kinds of usernames here. Hopefully you like pickles.
That aside, don't worry about the moderation thing. I think it will all be okay!

 

[StarsAbove]

That sounds like a great day! It can be so hard sometimes to stay in the moment and enjoy it. I hope you have more days like this :)

Thank you! I really appreciate it!

I had two weeks of vacation and felt like stuff is getting a bit better. Some of my energy returned and with it the motivation to do anything at all. I started crafting again, mediation, just resting.

Then Monday came and after the first day of work I was already as drained as if the vacation had never happened. Til Friday it got a tiny bit better, but now, during the weekend, I'm so burned out again, I can't do anything useful. I can't quit, I can't work somewhere else, can't move. I'm stuck with having to work until I get burned out enough to collapse. Cause when I tell anyone about how I am right now, all people and doctors tell me is: Oh, but everyone is exhausted after work. You're just lazy and want to live without working!!!111

So yeah... Basically waiting to finally collapse for good. Maybe then someone will take me seriously.

Something good... I made a bunch of macrame bracelets and a necklace while watching the new Star Trek episodes. That was fun and relaxing.

Burnout is real

Macrame seems really fun. Everyone crochets, but I wanted to be a rebel and get a macrame kit. It is cool that you know how to make bracelets!

 

[Cloud Busting]

@pickedmyctbdate

See, I understand why people are paranoid. I'm aware of the media perception being misleading and pushing an agenda. However, I think some people double down and assume any questioning or criticism is being a pro-lifer or wanting to shut this site down. There isn't strict moderation or a sounding board, some members are very anti psychiatry and therapy (even as a free choice cus it's all a scam and there's no hope,) mods are slim anyway. I think these are valid criticisms.

alt.suicide.holiday - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

Check out effects section. A few studies are cited claiming sites like this can be helpful. I haven't read them, but it's intersting.

What people don't realize is that this site didn't cause people to kill themselves. Ppl wanna isolate one thing, find a scapegoat. But if you found this site you were already thinking about it probably. It's how I found it. That means the established help available isn't filling needs for high amounts of people. SaSu exists because of gaps in spaces that allow ppl to discuss suicide openly without shame or paternalism or coercion. My question is, how do we create a space where people can openly discuss their suicidal ideations without risk of punishment/threats to autonomy/civil liberty infringement yet also don't feed hopeless narratives that can unintentionally risk trusting a person has assessed all possible options without properly assessing such a thing first because "pro choice" (abd for the record the way standard suicide risk assessments are currently done is terrible and incentives lying.)

Ok night and I need to quit posting I hsce no self control take care feel better hope you're more calm

 

[LRkin]

People are SO WRONG about this forum. That a thread and a space like this also exists. I've seen other support resources for making the conscious choice to live.

Well, yes. Kinda. Maybe I am wrong, but the whole forum feels like a generally nice community. Especially the recovery part

Today was a good day after a couple really rough ones. I went out with a friend and was really just able to enjoy the moment. I think that is what I have to do to stay on track.

That's great! Being able to call the day "a good" one is already a good thing

I had two weeks of vacation and felt like stuff is getting a bit better. Some of my energy returned and with it the motivation to do anything at all. I started crafting again, mediation, just resting.

Vacations can be really helpful. I wish I were able to have one, but... Maybe in the next life :)

Still work on the industry on on an hiatus. Just curious if you wanna share, vets are technically healthcare.

I quit it. I hate this industry with passion. I don't want to ever come bck.

***
I don't want to tag or quote Cloud Busting as she wants to take to take a pause from posting here (so I don't want to accidentally trigger her with notifications or smth), which is pretty understandable. When (or if) you come back and read it — stay strong and find some inner peace. We believe in you

***
As for my weekend — I hated it. Barely had any rest, and my "eat whatever you want" day ended up with me vomiting profusely from alcohol intoxication. Which didn't feel so bad, actually. And I found out that I can barely consume large ammounts of... well... anyting.
***
And, of course, I wish each and every person in this thread a good day/evening/night

 

[NZkiwi]

I hope I don't get flamed, I'd like to slighly tease this out
I preface this with I agree that we are all adults, this is the internet, and this is my opinion only
I'm not advocating to shut sasu down
I hope you find peace no matter what you decide

I'm kinda worried/anxious about posting in the main recovery forums and feel a little safer here so hope y'all don't mind
thanks for being a safe space
feel free to engage if you wish



Also not gonna tag clouds busting for similar reason to lrkin
hope you are well and thanks for engaging in this discussion so far


This is an oversimplification, and just some random dude on the internets opinion. this is not medical advice
In psych there is something called the "4 Ps"
Predisposing, preciptating, perpetuating and protective factors
Used by some, in conjuction to the bio-psycho-social-cultural model for formulation


Predisposing factors e.g. "genetic vulnerability" for depression/suicidality, childhood abuse, head trauma etc
Sasu is not a predisposing factor to suicidality

What people don't realize is that this site didn't cause people to kill themselves

Precipitating factors (i.e a trigger e.g. current abuse, hunger, fear, bullying, fired from work, break up etc... a really shitty day)
I would argue (on balance) Sasu is not a precipating factor



Perpetuating factors eg. things that make the suicidality last longer, or can stop it from getting better
e.g. social isolation, bad sleep, chronic pain etc.

I would suggest engaging with sasu suicide forums can make suicidality worse for some (or atleast for me) e.g. further desensitisation of suicidal ideation, learning about methods, watching videos of people hanging themselves (or finding links to otherwebsites where I can find them)
I think I framed this as "self-harming the mind" -- I don't cut, but when I read some of the post on the suicide forum/watch videos... when im dysregulated it does give me calm
I (try) not to engage with the suicide side of the forms for that reason... can be hard ngl and I'm not perfect in my own rules

I think this perpetuating factor is where the media (and scienific literature) is concerned about -- and hot take, I think their concern have merit
Again not advocating to take this site down.


I think to give anology to this, is the (now taken down) forum pro-ana, for eating disorders
There newer version of the site, but the premise is similar
places to post calorie count
post your bmi
what to eat
what diet works etc

there is recovery on this fourm too ofc i'm just trying to show an anology
and yes i know with ED its not about the food, often about parental abuse, anxiety depression etc and the forum does not cause the ed, might make it harder to recover

An extension of this anology is how instagram is being sued in USA about it's impact as a platform on (youth) mental health
for it's addictive design... but now we're going down a rabbit hole of tech
i used to work as a health IT consultant haha this is my specialist domain (:
i'm getty silly tired now probably need to stop editing this post, it's past 3am


please dont flame me =)


And yes, hats off to the mods on this site, you do an amazing job and it's hard work, truely



Protective factors e.g. friends, medications etc that protect against suicide
I think the recovery forum on Sasu is a protective factor

SaSu exists because of gaps in spaces that allow ppl to discuss suicide openly without shame or paternalism or coercion. My question is, how do we create a space where people can openly discuss their suicidal ideations without risk of punishment/threats to autonomy/civil liberty infringement yet also don't feed hopeless narratives that can unintentionally risk trusting a person has assessed all possible options without properly assessing such a thing first because "pro choice"

I think knowing you're not alone on the journey that is suicidality has helped me immesnly and i wouldn't know how to open up to my friends/medical team without being able to explore this space first

Thanks everyone with engaging with the recovery forums =)

****

Anyway that's my two cents
hope everyone is well