"I'd like to feel a bit better/ I'd like to recover" Support Group Megathread

[ConfusedClouds]

Going back over posts now I've had a better (i.e proper full night's) sleep and am glad I'm somehow not spinning too bad. Seems like my plan of using a bunch of night shifts to 'surf the urge' has worked to a degree. Well, its nearly a week since my consultant appt. I seem to spend too much of my life wishing time away. And then wondering where its gone. Weird sensation. I guess the main thing is that its not hurting others.

@LRkin
you mentioned possibly following a dream and re-directing things. What does that look like?
And thats a MEGA amount of weight to have lost in a month! Whats your approach? I hope its something you're able to sustain if you're getting results you are happy with!

I think a lot of people kind of expect to to be a cure of sorts.. but there really is no "cure", is there? We just kind of… learn to see the world differently sometimes?

I really struggle with this too - like society tells you to 'speak to someone'/'see a professional' but then the professional sits back and sort of says 'there's nothing wrong with you, nothing to cure'. Society wants to report you and therapists play things down - the listening without judgement is/was unnerving. Like why are you not reacting - is this not a really bad coping strategy that I've built up. Confusing.

sometimes i feel like a fraud even here where I guess we all have SI
sometimes I feel a fraud cause I guess I live a pretty lucky and privliged life and I hear stories of others and I guess I feel like a baby throwing their toys out of the cot

Relate to this for sure! I also find myself censoring myself a lot of the time when I remember I'm mid 30s and child free and finally for the past year (fir the first time ever) living in a flat on my own, so I can selfishly tailor my life perfectly to what I wanna do. So moaning about being tired or busy is almost rude to someone like a colleague who has 4 kids while working.
I guess I'm at a point of stalemate where I can't push for 'good things' because of the risk/fear of failure. Which the biggest thing is hurting others. I know in my history I hurt/upset others. Its not good. So when (over time) I maybe build something up, but then 'that time' comes and I just kick off and it gets real messy real quick and I just see people around me getting worried or upset and hurt that I'm not engaging or listening or whatever. It hurts. And it was avoidable. And then time moves on. And I forget and gain a glimmer of hope and maybe start building some sort of community/relationships (IRL) again, only for me to fuck it up. Only the next time, the spiral is quicker, the reactions more explosive/hurtful. Also exacerbated by people around me, by default, being older and having more to juggle in their own life like job responsibilities or families/dependents/caring responsibilities. And here I am essentially throwing toys outta my pram more and more dramatically and its just a mess. So I can't allow myself to do it ever again realistically. Its not fair to hurt and upset others. Good people. When there's so much of their own shit to be juggling without suddenly having this adult toddler all in their face.

I feel I need to try to pursue a long held career dream of mine

Fancy expanding/sharing more? (Obvs don't have to).

 

[StarsAbove]

@NZkiwi
I am currently a therapist but I have imposter syndrome for reasons that brought me here. I do however still like the idea of helping others, I just want to do something more metaphysical or geared toward holistic wellness. I was studying to be an astrologer. My latest entrepreneurial idea involved blending astrology and therapy-adjacent activities. I want to do it all, but what I think I would eventually love to do is hold wellness retreats. All of this has to be take step by step of course.

 

[LRkin]

you mentioned possibly following a dream and re-directing things. What does that look like?
And thats a MEGA amount of weight to have lost in a month! Whats your approach? I hope its something you're able to sustain if you're getting results you are happy with!

My dream is opening a coffee shop. I enjoyed brewing coffee when I hepled my friend to run his place while he was out of town. And it kinda helped me to get through a long depressive episode, so it kinda grew on me.

My approach is really unhealthy. Do not recommend it. I consume about 1000 kcal while my BMR is around 1900-2000, plus I walk at least 70000 steps a week. Fruites, veggies, a little bit of lean meat or fish or just cottage cheese (with low fats) just to cover my proteins. That's pretty much it. I do that mostly because I hate myself.

 

[NZkiwi]

Just finished another shift at the bar. The light social contact keeps me busy, working with hands is a little healing.

Off to see the public psychiatrist tmrw... first time in years... try best to be honest....



***

I feel like it's a bit like going to the doctor and telling them some symptoms but not all… you'll get the wrong treatment. Wrong diagnosis.. you know what I mean?

Yeah that's so fair. I guess it's 50/50 you saying the right thing, and the therapist knowing the right questions.

he's the first one I actually feel like I can be honest with

What does fully honest mean to you? Like do you go into detail around the previous trauma, or like ctb techniques, relationship drama... what do you mean by fully open? And how do you open the tap of vulnrability without over flowing the kitchen sink and flooding the ground floor with your emotions? If that makes sense. Idk, I feel so guarded about parts of my life I'm not sure how to safely open up. Lol, maybe it's here haha

*****

I try to cope on my own

I mean, we're here for you my g

To be fair, whenever I try to be fully open people just freak out and call me names, so... I don't think I'll ever experience that kind of catarthis. I

Something i've been learning is there a difference between being emotionally honest/open and emotional intensity. Have you been able be open without being intense.
Something else i've been learning is DARVO when dealing with nariscisit, where the Deny, Attack me, and Reverse the Victim and Offender (make you feel like shit for opening up). Curious if the people you speak to are the right people and healthy people
My parents certainly aren't

****

Relate to this for sure! I also find myself censoring myself a lot of the time when I remember I'm mid 30s and child free and finally for the past year (fir the first time ever) living in a flat on my own, so I can selfishly tailor my life perfectly to what I wanna do. So moaning about being tired or busy is almost rude to someone like a colleague who has 4 kids while working.
I guess I'm at a point of stalemate where I can't push for 'good things' because of the risk/fear of failure. Which the biggest thing is hurting others. I know in my history I hurt/upset others. Its not good. So when (over time) I maybe build something up, but then 'that time' comes and I just kick off and it gets real messy real quick and I just see people around me getting worried or upset and hurt that I'm not engaging or listening or whatever. It hurts. And it was avoidable. And then time moves on. And I forget and gain a glimmer of hope and maybe start building some sort of community/relationships (IRL) again, only for me to fuck it up. Only the next time, the spiral is quicker, the reactions more explosive/hurtful. Also exacerbated by people around me, by default, being older and having more to juggle in their own life like job responsibilities or families/dependents/caring responsibilities. And here I am essentially throwing toys outta my pram more and more dramatically and its just a mess. So I can't allow myself to do it ever again realistically. Its not fair to hurt and upset others. Good people. When there's so much of their own shit to be juggling without suddenly having this adult toddler all in their face.

I feel like the older we get, the less "cool" it is to be depressed and suicidal if that makes sense.
There's a society expection we internalise that we have to somewhat get our shit togeather as we get older, and when our current emotional (and physical/financial/romantic etc) state doesn't match what we expected.... can feel a bit ... ya know

I'm curious given your experience, oh wise one, where along your healing journey are you now?
How far have you come? Like for real, where was rockbottom (if you feel comfortable sharing) and where is your headspace now
I think we forget how far we've come even when we have glitches.

****

I am currently a therapist but I have imposter syndrome for reasons that brought me here. I do however still like the idea of helping others, I just want to do something more metaphysical or geared toward holistic wellness. I was studying to be an astrologer. My latest entrepreneurial idea involved blending astrology and therapy-adjacent activities. I want to do it all, but what I think I would eventually love to do is hold wellness retreats. All of this has to be take step by step of course.

Ohhh what's your star sign? What's your favourite gem I'm scorpio. I love dabling in astrology altho I wouldn't be as versed as you.
My favourite chrystal was moissenite. I wore it around my neck for almost a couple of years (got it in cambodia) after visiting the killing fields/s21.
Before I realised 1) it's not a rare earth chrystal and 2) I probably got scammed and it's probably just cubic zirconium. I guess meaning comes from within.

What type of wellness retreats do you want to do? V curious. This is not my forte.

 

[StarsAbove]

@ConfusedClouds
Thank you! Its nice to have a forum like this to turn to. Haha! Yes navigating this forum is not so user friendly. I hope I did not miss any replies to me.

@NZkiwi
I get what you mean. The certainty and finality of deciding to be gone feels like a relief when life otherwise feels so beyond your control. You mentioned feeling like your life is good on paper. I feel like that pertains to so many of us, including me. It almost makes it worse for us because outsiders do not understand. I wish I could enjoy these things and feel bad that I am taking it for granted. There was a time when I had none of these things and it brought me a tremendous amount of joy when I first obtained them.

For me, I think my disorganized attachment style is largely responsible for my extreme sensitivity. Once I find someone I think I have a deep connection with, which is very rare, I panic when I feel like I am losing that connection because I feel like I will never have that again. Then I push them away because I feel hurt and it can often create the very thing I was most afraid of.That is what is missing in my life, deep connections with others who understand me. Whst is life without quality relationships? I am estranged from most of my family and it has this become all the more important to me to havw these kind of relationships. I feel bad because this person who I thought was pulling away (BTW I made up this whole story in my mind about how they must hate me, hate it when my brain does that) was actually going through something similar to me, they were suicidal and that is why they withdrew. It makes me cringe at myself to type that out, it feels gross the way I react/ed.
@NZkiwi
I love my fellow water signs! I am a Cancer with a lot of water in my chart. Thats why I am always up in my feels
Ive never heard of that crystal before! Im gonna look it up. Oh no that sucks that you got scammed! Hey the placebo effect is really powerful! My fave is probably celenite. It has a nice high vibes.

I want to create an environment where I can make people feel like they are healing and whole at least for a bit. I would want the retreat to be somewhere beautiful in nature, where we would serve healthy organic food, do yoga and meditation and listen to sound healing. Maybe some type of ceremony celebrating major astrological events. That is something I would truly love to do.
@NZkiwi
I love my fellow water signs! I am a Cancer with a lot of water in my chart. Thats why I am always up in my feels
Ive never heard of that crystal before! Im gonna look it up. Oh no that sucks that you got scammed! Hey the placebo effect is really powerful! My fave is probably celenite. It has a nice high vibes.

I want to create an environment where I can make people feel like they are healing and whole at least for a bit. I would want the retreat to be somewhere beautiful in nature, where we would serve healthy organic food, do yoga and meditation and listen to sound healing. Maybe some type of ceremony celebrating major astrological events. That is something I would truly love to do.
Shit im sorry. That was a huge wall of text

 

[LRkin]

I mean, we're here for you my g

Thank you. Didn't mean to say that you guys are not emotionally supportive. Just saying that beyond SaSu I kinda deal with it all by myself.

Have you been able be open without being intense.

Not really. I suppress my emotions all the time, and if I try to open up it gradually intensifies. OR people who I open up to just trigger me and shit hits a fan.

Curious if the people you speak to are the right people and healthy people

Nah, I don't believe they are. Although, one of them was a therapist, lol. But I don't really believe there's such a thing as "healthy people". Never seen one.

 

[ConfusedClouds]

@LRkin
Are there any plans underway for your coffee shop, or is it in total dreamland status atm? Or somewhere in between?


Yea that really doesn't sound sustainable BUT I'm glad to hear you are keen on keeping up protein, thats a massive thing to help keep your body functioning. I have dabbled in calorie counting but it really didn't work for me, I had to step away from it. But I'm glad for the experience in some ways for giving me a good idea of the nutrition value and calorie content of most common foods and so I now have to trust myself to sort of go off intuition (maybe a bit of googling), but I also don't trust any calculations of my requirements as I am a female who falls as overweight in BMI, even into obese when I let things slip at all. Yet its because of muscle. But I can't explain nor trust all of that. I still see mahoosive thunder thighs beyond the muscle. And there's a chicken/egg dilemma. I've always been big, so I think a cope of mine is being strong means I can allow some elements of being big. But then it also gets messy with how does muscle impact metabolism. I love cottage cheese too!!!

The light social contact keeps me busy, working with hands is a little healing.

I find work and 'doing' super helpful too. Until I interact too much and get myself all worked up. But in general, a useful form of distraction.

Off to see the public psychiatrist tmrw... first time in years... try best to be honest....

Good luck! Let us know how you find it

And how do you open the tap of vulnrability without over flowing the kitchen sink and flooding the ground floor with your emotions

I love this analogy so much. I relate massively. Then (to steal and expand your vision) I found therapy really frustrating as it never was there at the right time. The tap would have a leak and start flooding everywhere, but the plumber isn't for several days, so have to find a way to stem the flooding enough to not drown. Usually by shutting down/forgetting/zoning out. So it all seizes up. So when it comes to therapy time, its all rusted and seized and takes most of the 50 mins to find a way to loosen it. But then time's up, the plumber has to leave. And a lot of times, the loostening would work the tap open over the next day or two - spinning (flooding) everywhere at everything. But no therapy/plumber for another week, so have to block/seize it all up again. And repeat the cycle.
Ok sorry, I ran with that a bit too much. But it really resonated. So thanks for the imagery.

I'm curious given your experience, oh wise one, where along your healing journey are you now?

Not wise. And not healing. In a sort of stalemate of somehow ending up in a textbook life set up on paper that I would have been chasing after years ago. But not really appreciating it. Lots of being zoned out and functioning on autopilot as a robot. Implosion is not far off if ever I have to make decisions. Not helped by the fact I'm going through a diagnosis process for whats likely to be a messy chronic condition that I have probably been living with for years, maybe decades. So what even is real. Urgh. Can't process. The other key factor is isolation. Sort of ran away from my past lives about 4 years ago. Friends, family. The lot. Burden. Couldn't articulate. Needed to be gone. Eventually ghosted all. Can't go back. Mainly ran so they wouldn't miss me/be upset if/when I die/CTB. But that obviously has never happened. So those initial times on the run (living in my vehicle for a while) were probably pretty low. Some real moments of heightened, frightened states for several months. But then I seemed to start somehow finding myself finding seasonal jobs in new locations that I'd always been interested in living. And now I've found myself with a career type job but maybe in a less idyllic location, but living on my own/in my own space for the first time ever. So have kinda stopped and I have no idea how I've been here a year in this flat now/18 months in this job/location, but nor can I really tell you much about the years before - time just disappears into a blur. I focus on surviving the autopilot day-to-day and next thing its been another few months.

You mentioned feeling like your life is good on paper. I feel like that pertains to so many of us, including me

+1 for the textbook life on paper, but total mismatch to the brain inside it!

 

[StarsAbove]

Anyone use the law of attraction to try to manifest happiness?

+1 for the textbook life on paper, but total mismatch to the brain inside it!

Go us!

 

[LRkin]

Are there any plans underway for your coffee shop, or is it in total dreamland status atm? Or somewhere in between?

More like in a status of stupid dream, really. I mean... Technically it's possible. But I don't believe it will work.

Yea that really doesn't sound sustainable BUT I'm glad to hear you are keen on keeping up protein, thats a massive thing to help keep your body functioning.

Unfortunately, I don't keep it up each and every day. I try to, but the funny thing is the longer I starve myself the lower is my appetite. Like... When I finally make it home I don't really want to eat. Sometimes I just stuff myself with it, and sometimes I just can't.

I also don't trust any calculations of my requirements

This. Because to make it right you should count everything and readjust it as your weight changes. That's one of reasons why I chose that huge deficit — even if my calculations can be wrong it won't affect me that much.

 

[NZkiwi]

Good luck! Let us know how you find it

My gosh. Was today a day


*****

Kia ora koutou / hi all

Lovely reading your replies during the day.
I just need to rant, dont feel obliged to respond. I will reply properly later. just need to get this off my chest.

gah

I dont know where to start, maybe streams of conciseness

positng privaely so would appreciate if replies to this use the hideposts bb code

You need -1 more posts to view this content

 

[NZkiwi]

So update

Actually somewhat reassuring update

It has been a day

Hopefully recovering
1% better every day


This is the BB code to hide posts btw, so only for memebers of this website can see

[HIDEPOSTS=1]private text[/HIDEPOSTS]

You need -1 more posts to view this content

*****

More like in a status of stupid dream, really. I mean... Technically it's possible. But I don't believe it will work.

Do you work as a barrister? I don't think I could wake up in time -- maybe if you open up a bar let me know, I enjoy being a bartender lol

Anyone use the law of attraction to try to manifest happiness?

Last time I tried to manifest I ended up under the mental health act haha
I now follow the law of following the path of least resistance and that has made my life a little more peaceful

+1 for the textbook life on paper, but total mismatch to the brain inside it!

I agree and that incongruence is painful :/

. I focus on surviving the autopilot day-to-day and next thing its been another few months

Do you think you have a future worth living for?
I told the psychiatrist -- actually let me find my notes


""I don't think I have a future "worth" living and not being a alive seems to be a solution worth pursuing and working towards long term""

And that's my for me ctb felt like a reasonable option

Mainly ran so they wouldn't miss me/be upset if/when I die/CTB

Hhaha I can relate :P I did the same

So when it comes to therapy time, its all rusted and seized and takes most of the 50 mins to find a way to loosen it

maybe it's how we communaicate... idk during the assessment i typed a lot on my laptop and then spoke up and then that became easier for me... wish i did this earlier .... talking can be hard

reading your posts looks like you comminicate well over text

'm glad to hear you are keen on keeping up protein

100% agree

SaSu I kinda deal with it all by myself.

yeah i understand, it's hard to know who to trust, even with the publc health care system it was a careful negotiating with them

Not really. I suppress my emotions all the time, and if I try to open up it gradually intensifies. OR people who I open up to just trigger me and shit hits a fan.

hmm do you think there is a middle ground for you?

Nah, I don't believe they are. Although, one of them was a therapist, lol. But I don't really believe there's such a thing as "healthy people". Never seen one.

I think superlatives are hard, and things are on a spectrum. Are there traits you feel are unealthy vs healthy, people are pathch works imho

sou

Once I find someone I think I have a deep connection with

sounds like a love story ... care to ellaborate

I want to create an environment where I can make people feel like they are healing and whole at least for a bit. I would want the retreat to be somewhere beautiful in nature, where we would serve healthy organic food, do yoga and meditation and listen to sound healing. Maybe some type of ceremony celebrating major astrological events. That is something I would truly love to do.

if you end up making one I'd love to join eventually. I really enjoy travel, when we recover lol

Shit im sorry. That was a huge wall of text

keep talking, love to read your post tbh, I'm enjoying engaging with you

It makes me cringe at myself to type that out, it feels gross the way I react/ed.

i feel like we are only human
I'm glad you feel comfortble sharing on this recovery forum, nice getting it off your chest eh


**

Typed out for today
Hope you are all well

 

[UltraAlter]

I really struggle with this too - like society tells you to 'speak to someone'/'see a professional' but then the professional sits back and sort of says 'there's nothing wrong with you, nothing to cure'. Society wants to report you and therapists play things down - the listening without judgement is/was unnerving. Like why are you not reacting - is this not a really bad coping strategy that I've built up. Confusing.

I don't know, my therapist actively tells me that my reactions to things that have happened don't quite match up and that I have coping mechanisms that could be worked on. He doesn't downplay things. But I have had some terrible ones that did. They weren't helpful at all.

Yeah that's so fair. I guess it's 50/50 you saying the right thing, and the therapist knowing the right questions.

Yeah 100%

What does fully honest mean to you? Like do you go into detail around the previous trauma, or like ctb techniques, relationship drama... what do you mean by fully open? And how do you open the tap of vulnrability without over flowing the kitchen sink and flooding the ground floor with your emotions? If that makes sense. Idk, I feel so guarded about parts of my life I'm not sure how to safely open up. Lol, maybe it's here haha

Honestly, yeah. I am completely open with him. About everything. I do have to also state that I am in nowhere near as bad of a place as I once was. I no longer have active plans to ctb. So my conversations with him these days are much more focus on him teaching me alternative coping mechanisms that are more "healthy", strategies to deal with my emotions, advice on current issues in life, and help with past trauma.. all of which seems a lot easier to discuss than plans of leaving this world (in a way)? For me anyway… if that makes sense? At the end of the day, I know that's what he's there for, that's what he's trained for, so opening up (although can be uncomfortable) is the whole point of me seeing him.. ya know what I mean?
I did take a while to get to a place where I could do that though. It wasn't like I walked in the door and started spilling all my secrets.. that kind of trust takes time.
You just have to find someone or somewhere that you're willing to put that time into to get to that place of safety and comfort.

God I feel like I'm rambling again. I struggle to focus so I'm always half paying attention when I say shit here and never proof read because it feels dishonest if it's edited and not straight from my brain, if that makes sense.

Anyway… sending love to everyone

 

[Cloud Busting]

I'm not caught up with this thread but it's nice to see more momentum.

@deadanddecomposing hey how are you? If you're not in a recovery space it's ok. You're still welcome here. I've bounced back and forth between wanting to give it once last shot and saying fuck it I quit. Changing your mind is kinda to be expected lol. Or well you're not alone at least. Curious to see how youre doing if you're ok sharing. I really liked your thread about the little things give you the most motivation to survive. A grey tabby makes me happy im alive amongst the dark decaying abyss that surrounds me…. This decade has sucked so much ass

I've calmed down considerably. I don't know what that cursuading beef with this place was about. Oh I know, survivors guilt. But I've gotten a grip on myself hahaha. Reinventing my pre imagined gloomy doomed future

 

[StarsAbove]

@NZkiwi

Yay for better days! I am happy things went better than expected.

I gotta figure out how to quote parts of the texts. Not sure if I am using the code right so I will just reply this way:

Last time I tried to manifest I ended up under the mental health act haha
I now follow the law of following the path of least resistance and that has made my life a little more peaceful
oh no, why was that? You gotta do what works best for you. I feel I should be doing it because I know how, it just feels like a lot of work....but if someone knows an easier way I would love to hear it

sounds like a love story ... care to ellaborate
it is just a friendship but it felt like a special one. I do want a relationship where there is a deep connection, but I have chosen to be single for the past 3 years because I havent found that. I feel a bit sucked into this friendship. Our attachment styles are getting the best of us. They have an anxious one and was confused by their relentless efforts to make me a part of their life so I held them at arms length but they really encouraged me to open up and eventually the floodgates opens and they saw a very emotional side of me and held space for that which made me feel really seen and I tried to show up for them in the same way, we had a mutually supportive friendship, its what ive always wanted in a friendship, so when they pulled away, it crushed me

if you end up making one I'd love to join eventually. I really enjoy travel, when we recover lol
You are so kind! I would love to have you. My plan is to make it an online space at least at first so I can reach more people, like through a Zoom MeetUp.

keep talking, love to read your post tbh, I'm enjoying engaging with you


i feel like we are only human
I'm glad you feel comfortble sharing on this recovery forum, nice getting it off your chest eh
Thanks, I am glad I no longer react externally to situations like that, it is all internal but I cant believe I made up such far fetched stories about it in my mind. Yes, it is nice to share. And right back at ya! I appreciate you sharing your journey

 

[Cloud Busting]

I've finally caught up with this thread to the point of the post that @LRkin wrote Monday. Stopped there cuz I need to try and make some money tonight.

One thing I want to say is the intention of this thread is merely peer support. It's understandable you can't always seek or extend support to others or receive or accept it if you're in a dark place. Go ahead and vent, support each other, whatever you need to do. Just be supportive. Only requirement.

People come and go all the time for lots of reasons. I've been on and off this place myself. There are no rules, no structure, just as long as you respect others. You can be negative and down in the dumps. Just don't shame or blame or be an assholes. That's it.

It's so sad to see ppl put all this pressure on themselves. To wrestle with all of these expectations and obligations they feel bombarded with. Thnx society.

Let's purge all that shit here. Let's be chill and free. Let's be honest. That was the appeal when you were actively planning right? So if there's another side of you that's not as dark that you wanna explore, do that freely here. At your own disclosure.

You don't have to reply to everyone, or even everyone. Just be supportive. Then we chill gang. (;

********

I'm feeling better, but in this bureaucratic dog eat dog late stage capitalist world, better is not good enough. I don't meet the metrics. Which means my material conditions plummet and then I'm suffering exponentially.

I'm determined though. And in love. It's what's keeping me through

 

[LRkin]

Do you work as a barrister? I don't think I could wake up in time -- maybe if you open up a bar let me know, I enjoy being a bartender lol

Not really. Worked for a couple of months before, although I wouldn't call it a job — I never got paid. But my "friend" asked me to help him while he was out of town, so I kinda ran his place for some time. I enjoyed it. Even when my dog died, I found some solace and peace back there.

I think superlatives are hard, and things are on a spectrum. Are there traits you feel are unealthy vs healthy, people are pathch works imho

Things are on the spectrum, but then again what do we consider to be healthy or unhealthy? How do we define it? IMHO, everyone has some sort of a trauma. What matters is how we balance it with our traits and how mindful we are to each other. And, tbf, every human being inevitably makes another human being hurt. Intentionally or unintentionally.

hmm do you think there is a middle ground for you?

My middle ground is keeping my mouth shut and coping with it.

Hopefully recovering
1% better every day

That's great! Even if it's slow and steady, it's still a progress!

I'm determined though. And in love. It's what's keeping me through

That's a good thing to hear! I hope it will help you to get better.

And, of course, I wish all the people in this thread a good day

 

[StarsAbove]

I've finally caught up with this thread to the point of the post that @LRkin wrote Monday. Stopped there cuz I need to try and make some money tonight.

One thing I want to say is the intention of this thread is merely peer support. It's understandable you can't always seek or extend support to others or receive or accept it if you're in a dark place. Go ahead and vent, support each other, whatever you need to do. Just be supportive. Only requirement.

People come and go all the time for lots of reasons. I've been on and off this place myself. There are no rules, no structure, just as long as you respect others. You can be negative and down in the dumps. Just don't shame or blame or be an assholes. That's it.

It's so sad to see ppl put all this pressure on themselves. To wrestle with all of these expectations and obligations they feel bombarded with. Thnx society.

Let's purge all that shit here. Let's be chill and free. Let's be honest. That was the appeal when you were actively planning right? So if there's another side of you that's not as dark that you wanna explore, do that freely here. At your own disclosure.

You don't have to reply to everyone, or even everyone. Just be supportive. Then we chill gang. (;

********

I'm feeling better, but in this bureaucratic dog eat dog late stage capitalist world, better is not good enough. I don't meet the metrics. Which means my material conditions plummet and then I'm suffering exponentially.

I'm determined though. And in love. It's what's keeping me through

I love your determination. When did you become motivated to get better?

Do you find that your motivation to get better waxes and wanes, like one minute you are hopeful and then the next your are hopeless? I wish my mind would pick a lane and stay in it

I also see your former user name name, was that from the smashing pumpkins song?

 

[NZkiwi]

On the train to a bigger city. Great seeing some more posts, hope y'all doing well.

I do have to also state that I am in nowhere near as bad of a place as I once was. I no longer have active plans to ctb.

I'm glad you're feeling better, and I hope you know (imho) you're welcome to keep sharing your thoughts if this is the right place for your recovery.

all of which seems a lot easier to discuss than plans of leaving this world (in a way)? For me anyway… if that makes sense?

What do you mean by easier? Like less effort? Or more enjoyable?

I did take a while to get to a place where I could do that though. It wasn't like I walked in the door and started spilling all my secrets.. that kind of trust takes time.
You just have to find someone or somewhere that you're willing to put that time into to get to that place of safety and comfort.

I'm glad you're there... I'm still learning how to open up... found a way now.... sometimes I feel like I'm "faking it" and it's all in my head, and I should just grow up and stop acting immature..., and I feel a little ashamed at the amount of resources I'm taking up for the mental health care team to look after me c.f. those who are dysregulated and "more unwell"...

God I feel like I'm rambling again. I struggle to focus so I'm always half paying attention when I say shit here and never proof read because it feels dishonest if it's edited and not straight from my brain, if that makes sense.

I'm glad you're open. I'm the same, my grammer and spelling goes the more rambling I am. It's nice being authentic and nice knowing it's coming from a human. Hope you feel comfortable rambling more on this thread, and other places


*****

My middle ground is keeping my mouth shut and coping with it.

Hahah love it, do you have a release valve for the pressure to release so you don't implode/explode?

but then again what do we consider to be healthy or unhealthy? How do we define it?

Perspective creates reality
What's healthy vs unhealthy? I guess a shared defintion, and whether we as individuals choose to accept to deny the "society" defintion of healthy

And, of course, I wish all the people in this thread a good day

Anything interesting happen this week? Low lights? high lights?
Hope you have a good week too!


****

Do you find that your motivation to get better waxes and wanes, like one minute you are hopeful and then the next your are hopeless? I wish my mind would pick a lane and stay in it

I'm gonna throw your question right back at your -- how would you reply to this?

@NZkiwi

Last time I tried to manifest I ended up under the mental health act haha
I now follow the law of following the path of least resistance and that has made my life a little more peaceful
oh no, why was that? You gotta do what works best for you. I feel I should be doing it because I know how, it just feels like a lot of work....but if someone knows an easier way I would love to hear it

You need -1 more posts to view this content

if you end up making one I'd love to join eventually. I really enjoy travel, when we recover lol
You are so kind! I would love to have you. My plan is to make it an online space at least at first so I can reach more people, like through a Zoom MeetUp.

This is a good place to start. I've enjoyed enaging with the other content you've posted on this site, and it seems like you've got the magical ability to have lurkers come out of the site and engage with you.

how do you feel about creating your own space for this passion project, vs volunteering/working for spaces that already exist. Why reinvent the wheel when you could improve someone elses and build upon it.

(before eventually giving into capatilism, creating a business and then commercialising this so it can pay your rent/morgage lmao)


*****

I'm feeling better, but in this bureaucratic dog eat dog late stage capitalist world, better is not good enough. I don't meet the metrics. Which means my material conditions plummet and then I'm suffering exponentially.

I'm determined though. And in love. It's what's keeping me through

I'm glad you're deterimed, it's warming to see you keep going!

****

 

[LRkin]

On the train to a bigger city. Great seeing some more posts, hope y'all doing well.

Hope this trip will be a successful one!

Hahah love it, do you have a release valve for the pressure to release so you don't implode/explode?

Not realy. Sometimes it feels like it just starts leaking. For example, I start singing in public places (or in my car). But there's no permanent mechanism to release that pressure. So it's either I start losing my marbles slowly and let it burn out (and I isolate myself from the rest of the world), or it's too much and I explode.

Anything interesting happen this week? Low lights? high lights?

Visited a doctor. An orthopedic surgeon. Had a pain in my ankle for a month. Had to make an MRI scan. Good news — my joint is not as screwed as I thought. Bad news — there's a cyst beneath my ligament. I thought it could be worse, but... not that bad. However, now I can't do my favorite 10k steps a day and have to find another way to burn calories. Cycling, probably.

 

[Cloud Busting]

Oh holy crap, how is this thread so pumpin and bumpin

I be going back thru old posts and watching how ppl would post…. Not get a reply… then crickets ppl feel disheartened. I was thinking back to what @ColorlessTrees was saying about feeling invisible. I wonder if it's why ppl don't post much in recovery, yet suicide forum is active? How sad. Let's make recovery hella popular to subvert the death cult stereotype. I want ppl to feel as comfortable posting here as they do in suicide section. I am not against it btw.

@StarsAbove what you mentioned is a great example of how being able to discuss suicidal thoughts openly and honestly, and for methods to not be censored, is a good idea. This site got you to avoid a botched plan after all. I just think this subforum is not nearly as friendly and to change that, wouldn't it be something?

Yes, it was a reference to today! and the motivation well a supportive boy I naturally click with, and uh a botched attempt that made me realize I'd be a bigger burden dead rather than alive, no matter how much of a handful living me is Lordy.

Also my attachment avoidant EEP helped me avoid an enmeshment tho go me

@LostHighway hi you online posted in past no obligation to reply know we love you even if recovery is not in the cards for you that's ok best wishes wherever you at

@ColorlessTrees there has been some discussion in regards to some discomfort with the culture/even feeling like things have changed here a page or two back I think you'd have lots of value to add or at least you'd pay careful attention. Hearing ppl is all you need sometimes @LRkin was overjoyed I read their (list pronouns if u want) post even if I was too exhausted ahd distressed to reply. I wonder too, if anyone here would be interested in hearing how her relationship helped her heal, or the struggles she has had with the mental health system. Tag her with any questions or things u wanna hear from her. Let her know she's not invisible ahahaha

CT maybe list some comfort shows/hobbies/media ya know, or good shut my brain off music, ppl were mentioning stuff as broad as like metal and Disney songs 4 dat lol ppl saying they not djs here inspire maybe!

@LRkin see u be lurking hehe hi sup so glad you keeping convo going while i… just internally screaming and pissing bf off with my insanity

It's so sweet how stuff with friend gave you motivation community building that's what I like to see! Why you think pipedream? ):

And I was told I was never gonna be whole on a thread I made in recovery what in the f like be pro choice ok I support a persons right to both live AND die did you not know which corner of SaSu u walked into how tone deaf

@ConfusedClouds another cloud to maximize confusion haha

So glad you feel safe and comfortable posting here. It's hard to know where to turn when you don't belong anywhere glad you feel like we got your back

): good luck my bf has multiple sclerosis mostly in spine the journey of diagnosis and jidt… ugh man sorry for what u going through especially while living alone my goodness

And yes I did reconnect with therapist. And don't feel doomerist! You're not, you're just honest. Who says recovery is easy and positive? Let's challenge the narrative!

Man you were so vulnerable… woah. Sorry you've felt so dismissed.


@NZkiwi woah what a story. So happy being honest paid off. Hope the bus trip is to a new beginning rather than the end… the whirling blackness of eternal oblivion…

And why be a gym person? I hate the gym, it's a chore. Running is more free…. But I no longer run…. Eeeek

Also…. Harvard may have like financial aid you ask em? They may help and Sylvia plath attempted suicide cuz she got rejected for a Harvard writing class anyone would be devastated but our pain never does feel bad enough… I wanted to prove my pain was real hence attempt to ctb. Yet on paper I had a traumatic childhood… you'll never feel good enough, so just be honest that's all you can do!

Also that you can be so engaged responding to anyone when u feel this low…. God speed you deserve help no matter what ur demons say


@UltraAlter glad you found the right therapist and no longer are active. Are you still passive?

@Musiclover338 @OnMyLast Legs you guys gonna make a gym/fitness/wellness mega thread yet? Triple dog dare you. Also legs… saw your old posts… seems you've come a long way! Also excellent tastes what other music u like? Soma was my ctb song Le sigh also you know the story behind cloud busting oh man how she gives the father and son duo such humanity… man!

Shiny toy guns fun to work out to.

@t8129 I'll let u know when I feel comfortable making it fully public haha

Fuck muscle pain fuck ptsd I hate this horrible condition fuck it it's a nightmare from hell a haunting heating pads tho

Feeling like my soul inside my body instead of separate from it weird but I remember why I quit feeling cuz to feel is to be in pain physically and mentally but I'm alive

Muscles so tense so stiff I can barely work rent due two days still short kms now I hate ptsd I can barely human

 

[ColorlessTrees]

I'm glad to see so many new folks. Even if things are a work in progress good change is always nice to see. Having a support system even just as virtual accountability can do wonders for productivity.

Anyway, since I finally got this damn site to load again, just wanted to put it out there that while I'm not really active here on SaSu anymore I don't mind checking in on this thread every so often. Feel free to @ me here or PM if you need a crisis contact or advice, though if I don't respond it's prolly cuz I haven't been on.

I'm not a professional but I have free time, emotional energy, and I've dealt with a lot of folks in rough situations. Generally I'm decent at attuning to the vibe needed, and am likewise happy to offer my services as a sounding board or emotional support animal to anyone here. Just take my opinions with a grain of salt.

 

[LRkin]

internally screaming and pissing bf off with my insanity

I hope your bf is a patient and aring person. Sometime we just need people who can withstand our crazy and soothe it ;)

Why you think pipedream? ):

1) I doubt it will be profitable. Competition is really high.
2) Folks around me believe it is a silly idea. They have their point.
3) Actually... I'm scared to pursue this dream. Life taught me to be careful what I wish for, and every time I have my wish granted... it turns out it's some monkey's paw bullshit. I am afraid to lose the last thing that looks somewhat bright for me.
***
But... yeah. We glad to keep our show running. It's the only thread I visit regularly. Even if I don't recover, this place makes it suck less. So... it's somewhat of a win, right?

 

[Musiclover338]

Oh holy crap, how is this thread so pumpin and bumpin

I be going back thru old posts and watching how ppl would post…. Not get a reply… then crickets ppl feel disheartened. I was thinking back to what @ColorlessTrees was saying about feeling invisible. I wonder if it's why ppl don't post much in recovery, yet suicide forum is active? How sad. Let's make recovery hella popular to subvert the death cult stereotype. I want ppl to feel as comfortable posting here as they do in suicide section. I am not against it btw.

@StarsAbove what you mentioned is a great example of how being able to discuss suicidal thoughts openly and honestly, and for methods to not be censored, is a good idea. This site got you to avoid a botched plan after all. I just think this subforum is not nearly as friendly and to change that, wouldn't it be something?

Yes, it was a reference to today! and the motivation well a supportive boy I naturally click with, and uh a botched attempt that made me realize I'd be a bigger burden dead rather than alive, no matter how much of a handful living me is Lordy.

Also my attachment avoidant EEP helped me avoid an enmeshment tho go me

@LostHighway hi you online posted in past no obligation to reply know we love you even if recovery is not in the cards for you that's ok best wishes wherever you at

@ColorlessTrees there has been some discussion in regards to some discomfort with the culture/even feeling like things have changed here a page or two back I think you'd have lots of value to add or at least you'd pay careful attention. Hearing ppl is all you need sometimes @LRkin was overjoyed I read their (list pronouns if u want) post even if I was too exhausted ahd distressed to reply. I wonder too, if anyone here would be interested in hearing how her relationship helped her heal, or the struggles she has had with the mental health system. Tag her with any questions or things u wanna hear from her. Let her know she's not invisible ahahaha

CT maybe list some comfort shows/hobbies/media ya know, or good shut my brain off music, ppl were mentioning stuff as broad as like metal and Disney songs 4 dat lol ppl saying they not djs here inspire maybe!

@LRkin see u be lurking hehe hi sup so glad you keeping convo going while i… just internally screaming and pissing bf off with my insanity

It's so sweet how stuff with friend gave you motivation community building that's what I like to see! Why you think pipedream? ):

And I was told I was never gonna be whole on a thread I made in recovery what in the f like be pro choice ok I support a persons right to both live AND die did you not know which corner of SaSu u walked into how tone deaf

@ConfusedClouds another cloud to maximize confusion haha

So glad you feel safe and comfortable posting here. It's hard to know where to turn when you don't belong anywhere glad you feel like we got your back

): good luck my bf has multiple sclerosis mostly in spine the journey of diagnosis and jidt… ugh man sorry for what u going through especially while living alone my goodness

And yes I did reconnect with therapist. And don't feel doomerist! You're not, you're just honest. Who says recovery is easy and positive? Let's challenge the narrative!

Man you were so vulnerable… woah. Sorry you've felt so dismissed.


@NZkiwi woah what a story. So happy being honest paid off. Hope the bus trip is to a new beginning rather than the end… the whirling blackness of eternal oblivion…

And why be a gym person? I hate the gym, it's a chore. Running is more free…. But I no longer run…. Eeeek

Also…. Harvard may have like financial aid you ask em? They may help and Sylvia plath attempted suicide cuz she got rejected for a Harvard writing class anyone would be devastated but our pain never does feel bad enough… I wanted to prove my pain was real hence attempt to ctb. Yet on paper I had a traumatic childhood… you'll never feel good enough, so just be honest that's all you can do!

Also that you can be so engaged responding to anyone when u feel this low…. God speed you deserve help no matter what ur demons say


@UltraAlter glad you found the right therapist and no longer are active. Are you still passive?

@Musiclover338 @OnMyLast Legs you guys gonna make a gym/fitness/wellness mega thread yet? Triple dog dare you. Also legs… saw your old posts… seems you've come a long way! Also excellent tastes what other music u like? Soma was my ctb song Le sigh also you know the story behind cloud busting oh man how she gives the father and son duo such humanity… man!

Shiny toy guns fun to work out to.

@t8129 I'll let u know when I feel comfortable making it fully public haha

Fuck muscle pain fuck ptsd I hate this horrible condition fuck it it's a nightmare from hell a haunting heating pads tho

Feeling like my soul inside my body instead of separate from it weird but I remember why I quit feeling cuz to feel is to be in pain physically and mentally but I'm alive

Muscles so tense so stiff I can barely work rent due two days still short kms now I hate ptsd I can barely human

i feel like gym and fitness is so personal, it would be kinda pointless to make a thread about here when theres reddit and other forums for gym and fitness.
I actually dont want to workout most days, i just do it for a benefits as i cant sleep very well after my overdose/ last attempt. If i could sleep normally and be happy i wouldnt be doing fitness at all. i still go the gym everyday though. dont want to, but i kind of have to. Its gym or be on antidepressants/ weed & alc

 

[ColorlessTrees]

It's overwhelming to manage so many responses, so I apologize that I haven't addressed anyone specifically, but I am catching up. The beauty of the recovery section here is that it's possible to be neutral. Mainstream recovery and mental health institutions favor toxic positivity and linear improvement more often than honesty. But there's a huge market missing for harm reduction and meeting people where they're at, which is oftentimes just in limbo, even here.

Spoiler: Long ass ramble

Despite what SaSu has given me and taken from me, the love of my life and the worst pain I've ever been due to multiple instances of abuse, I have such little attachment to this site anymore that I no longer feel the need to soften my words. I have been here for enough years, through every drama, to watch the nuance slowly fade to an overwhelming majority of "social media focused" youth and lost college age kids; forgive me if I find a lot of it whiny and misguided, or feel there's a huge misogynistic undertone I don't always feel like engaging with. I have been lurking here a LONG time before my join date, and am very jaded.

I also recognize my tone might rub some the wrong way, but it isn't really to belittle anyone, I've just dealt with a lot of people who weaponize their pain or suicidality as a shield against bad behavior, improvement, or criticism, and that's destructive for everyone involved. If you don't do this, I'm not talking about you.

It's not that there weren't extremists before, or people who really should, imo, exhaust their options before resorting to this, but I feel like the topics became very black and white post Tantacruel in particular. I didn't feel my contributions mattered much as I always tried to be empathetic but balanced, and it turns out most people just want mindless validation even when they're asking for advice. On top of that, any time I tried to vent or recovery post I would just be chewed out by people making fun of me or calling an asshole at my most vulnerable and pained, or ignored altogether. Eventually I just hung out in Offtopic to shitpost due to my identity and history with the site, but there was no one I really even liked left, so I stopped. There's also the fact that my ex still stalks me here..

Maybe I've just outgrown the site, but I was here initially because of fringe philosophical beliefs and found it through antinatalist spaces. No longer identify with any of it. I genuinely feel like many in the suicide discussion portion don't actually want to, or are not ready to die, but feel cornered into that because it's a thing of extremes. You can't talk about it anywhere without drastic measures, yet the more time you spend in an echochamber like this, the deeper you'll be pulled in however resilient from influence you think yourself. The fact of the matter is most people are very isolated and this kind of community can be intoxicating for outcasts, and it's not to belittle anyone's passivity or the serious nature of misery, but I think of it like the burning building quote: seemingly no way out. And I hope this thread could act as a safety net for those who want a space to be real rather than pushed into one mindset or another.

Despite how harsh I might sound, I'm still glad this site exists rather than not. Do I regret my time here? Not really, as I had no other social outlet, and I understand why it's valuable to others. I just don't like what it's become, so I'm sticking to here if I can help anyone.

I'm aware that many of my takes are controversial or whatever. I'm used to having the wrong opinions, so I just stopped caring about niceties. YMMV, but I'm always fine agreeing to disagree. I don't care so much—I'm an open book.

More personally speaking, I'm still suicidal, but I realize I have a unique knack for people; so long as I am cared for physically and not forced to, so to speak, survive on my own as I am very ill, I choose to live to offer others what I can. That's my purpose in life, despite feeling like a massive loser for my lack. I have a very unusual upbringing and would consider myself socially taboo in how I conduct myself, so most people can't relate to me. The good news is I'm great at acting. ;)

Oh yeah, and regarding media, I don't really engage with much these days. Music wise, I guess old pop music (50s/60s) has a simplistic nostalgic quality that I often enjoy. I generally am a stimulation seeker though, and most "comfort media" tends to bore me on principle of being too fluffy so I'm probably not a good person to ask.

 

[whywere]

It's overwhelming to manage so many responses, so I apologize that I haven't addressed anyone specifically, but I am catching up. The beauty of the recovery section here is that it's possible to be neutral. Mainstream recovery and mental health institutions favor toxic positivity and linear improvement more often than honesty. But there's a huge market missing for harm reduction and meeting people where they're at, which is oftentimes just in limbo, even here.

Spoiler: Long ass ramble

Despite what SaSu has given me and taken from me, the love of my life and the worst pain I've ever been due to multiple instances of abuse, I have such little attachment to this site anymore that I no longer feel the need to soften my words. I have been here for enough years, through every drama, to watch the nuance slowly fade to an overwhelming majority of "social media focused" youth and lost college age kids; forgive me if I find a lot of it whiny and misguided, or feel there's a huge misogynistic undertone I don't always feel like engaging with. I have been lurking here a LONG time before my join date, and am very jaded.

I also recognize my tone might rub some the wrong way, but it isn't really to belittle anyone, I've just dealt with a lot of people who weaponize their pain or suicidality as a shield against bad behavior, improvement, or criticism, and that's destructive for everyone involved. If you don't do this, I'm not talking about you.

It's not that there weren't extremists before, or people who really should, imo, exhaust their options before resorting to this, but I feel like the topics became very black and white post Tantacruel in particular. I didn't feel my contributions mattered much as I always tried to be empathetic but balanced, and it turns out most people just want mindless validation even when they're asking for advice. On top of that, any time I tried to vent or recovery post I would just be chewed out by people making fun of me or calling an asshole at my most vulnerable and pained, or ignored altogether. Eventually I just hung out in Offtopic to shitpost due to my identity and history with the site, but there was no one I really even liked left, so I stopped. There's also the fact that my ex still stalks me here..

Maybe I've just outgrown the site, but I was here initially because of fringe philosophical beliefs and found it through antinatalist spaces. No longer identify with any of it. I genuinely feel like many in the suicide discussion portion don't actually want to, or are not ready to die, but feel cornered into that because it's a thing of extremes. You can't talk about it anywhere without drastic measures, yet the more time you spend in an echochamber like this, the deeper you'll be pulled in however resilient from influence you think yourself. The fact of the matter is most people are very isolated and this kind of community can be intoxicating for outcasts, and it's not to belittle anyone's passivity or the serious nature of misery, but I think of it like the burning building quote: seemingly no way out. And I hope this thread could act as a safety net for those who want a space to be real rather than pushed into one mindset or another.

I'm aware that many of my takes are controversial or whatever. I'm used to having the wrong opinions, so I just stopped caring about niceties. YMMV, but I'm always fine agreeing to disagree. I don't care so much—I'm an open book.

More personally speaking, I'm still suicidal, but I realize I have a unique knack for people; so long as I am cared for physically and not forced to, so to speak, survive on my own as I am very ill, I choose to live to offer others what I can. That's my purpose in life, despite feeling like a massive loser for my lack. I have a very unusual upbringing and would consider myself socially taboo in how I conduct myself, so most people can't relate to me. The good news is I'm great at acting. ;)

You are a fantastic loving soul!!

Just so ultra wonderful is you!

Walter

 

[webb&flow]

[forgive me if I find a lot of it whiny and misguided, or feel there's a huge misogynistic undertone I don't always feel like engaging with. I have been lurking here a LONG time before my join date, and am very jaded.

there are some real misogynistic undertones here. Perhaps the side effect of incel presence around the forum—something which ought not be understated.

I also recognize my tone might rub some the wrong way, but it isn't really to belittle anyone, I've just dealt with a lot of people who weaponize their pain or suicidality as a shield against bad behavior, improvement, or criticism, and that's destructive for everyone involved. If you don't do this, I'm not talking about you.

i find this a very eloquent way to word it. thank you for giving us this way to describe such cases.

It's not that there weren't extremists before, or people who really should, imo, exhaust their options before resorting to this, but I feel like the topics became very black and white post Tantacruel in particular. I didn't feel my contributions mattered much as I always tried to be empathetic but balanced, and it turns out most people just want mindless validation even when they're asking for advice.

And what's more, they have serious cultural currents here that are ready to just give it to them, gratis, without question. Who among us here has not slightly hesitated to write something helpful or positive out of fear of it being "unwarranted" or "unwanted"? That is a real trace of cultural currents here that is not mentioned enough. "Let people die, who are you to judge." It's the radical individualist package all over again—but I don't think it's sinister to genuinely sit with someone and wonder about the possibilities or limitations present in their situation, and wonder with them about any options that might not have been exhausted yet. I try to point out non-exhausted options whenever I can, in a way that hopefully makes it more receptible. But you are right: there are people who truly do want confirmation as opposed to nuanced inquiry and a different perspective. I have seen nuance here, as well as the appalling lack of it. The appalling lack is not pointed out enough, despite its serious (almost habitual) presence here. However, I can see why people think this way. However, my seeing of that serves more as evidence against the validity of the statements made in such a shade, as opposed to for them.

Thank you for trying to be empathetic as well as balanced. I know that there were people who were not as open as you. But I also hope that among the people you so carefully and intently wrote to, that there were also intentional and thoughtful folk such as you, who were touched by your words and ultimately benefited from what you expressed to them ❤.

On top of that, any time I tried to vent or recovery post I would just be chewed out by people making fun of me or calling an asshole at my most vulnerable and pained, or ignored altogether.

That's fucking awful, how awful does someone have to be to lack basic human decency to not only someone on this website, but someone such as yourself. It's seriously shitty that people kicked you when you were down. You deserve far far better; and no one in your situation should have been treated like that.

Eventually I just hung out in Offtopic to shitpost due to my identity and history with the site, but there was no one I really even liked left, so I stopped. There's also the fact that my ex still stalks me here..

I hope one day your ex will finally leave you alone; or at least be utterly unable to find what they're looking for.

I can know what it feels like to have the circle of people we know here to just… totally fuckin' rotate. It doesn't feel super nice. It gives me good vibes when I come across careful and thoughtfully radiant words from these people though :), in my browsing arounds ^^. I recognize yourself—and I'm glad to read this text at least from you and be so lucky as to be able to send you a reply too :). That is a privilege that I do not get to enjoy for every person I've met here ^^

Maybe I've just outgrown the site, but I was here initially because of fringe philosophical beliefs and found it through antinatalist spaces. No longer identify with any of it.

I am glad to hear your perspectives have shifted out of antinatalism and its adjacent beliefs ❤. I like to think that I have tolerance for different ideas. And then I encounter how people express antinatalism here. It is… not so savory, unfortunately.

I genuinely feel like many in the suicide discussion portion don't actually want to, or are not ready to die, but feel cornered into that because it's a thing of extremes. You can't talk about it anywhere without drastic measures, yet the more time you spend in an echochamber like this, the deeper you'll be pulled in however resilient from influence you think yourself.

Wer mit Ungeheuern kämpft, mag zusehn, dass er nicht dabei zum Ungeheuer wird. Und wenn du lange in einen Abgrund blickst, blickt der Abgrund auch in dich hinein.

Whoever fights with monsters, should see to it, that he himself does not thereby become a monster. And when you gaze into the abyss for a long time, it gazes into you also.

—Friedrich Nietzsche (Beyond Good and Evil, aphorism 146)

The fact of the matter is most people are very isolated and this kind of community can be intoxicating for outcasts, and it's not to belittle anyone's passivity or the serious nature of misery, but I think of it like the burning building quote: seemingly no way out. And I hope this thread could act as a safety net for those who want a space to be real rather than pushed into one mindset or another.
[/SPOILER]

your adverb strikes like a key: seemingly. Because that quote is ultimately, a metaphor; a metaphor, proposing a specific way of thinking: that is, potentially an elaborate thought-terminating cliché, that seeks to position the advisor as "standing on the sidewalk yelling "Don't!", and "Hang on!"", when in reality, not all people who contrapose boringly black-and-white pessimism are totally separated from the emotions and humans they comment upon.

There are indeed such detached commenters (the kind t—but to conflate non-pessimism with "anti-suicidal propaganda" is ironically propagandistic itself. There is lack of nuance, and then there are blatantly unhinged perspectives. And those unhinged perspectives are often not friendly and open to nuance and other people's expressions. They are the kind of people who will respond to a person posting about relationship struggles with worn-to-the-core clichés like "love is not real, don't bother". I lament the lack of empathy resulting from such senselessness. I get that people have pains that lead them into such outlooks, but I would at least have it that we respect the pursuits of people interested in finding solutions to chaos. Or at least who respect people who just want to express their emotions and exist in a space. Not everything has to be some kind of war—sometimes people just want to express and feel things. I'm probably committing at least a few of the sins I claim to be writing against in this very paragraph. If I am, I sincerely apologize, and I hope these words did not hurt you personally, Trees; and if they do, I hope whatever hurt therein would soothe away smoothly ♥.

Despite how harsh I might sound, I'm still glad this site exists rather than not. Do I regret my time here? Not really, as I had no other social outlet, and I understand why it's valuable to others. I just don't like what it's become, so I'm sticking to here if I can help anyone.

I think someone with your perspective, who knows how this forum works and the cultural currents that do have an element in influencing human thought here, is someone who is better advised to assist not just people on this forum but practically most people who experience such shards of perspectives cutting into their neurons. What I mean to say is this: wherever you go, this knowledge you have gained from observing the patterns here, is real knowledge of human behaviors. I hope it can heal and benefit yourself as well ♥.

I think there are real aspects of this forum that neither of us are proud of, ColorlessTrees. Thank you for pointing that out. It makes me feel validated; to know that someone else too has a bone to pick <3.

I'm aware that many of my takes are controversial or whatever. I'm used to having the wrong opinions, so I just stopped caring about niceties. YMMV, but I'm always fine agreeing to disagree. I don't care so much—I'm an open book.

I respect your commitment to candidness of perspectives. Maybe this is what led to the clarity seen in what you have expressed here in this letter. Your perspective is a critical contrast and honestly a lot of people here would be better off carefully listening to what you have written here. I truly hope at least some truly will, and take it to heart, deep into their heart ♥.

More personally speaking, I'm still suicidal, but I realize I have a unique knack for people; so long as I am cared for physically and not forced to, so to speak, survive on my own as I am very ill, I choose to live to offer others what I can. That's my purpose in life, despite feeling like a massive loser for my lack. I have a very unusual upbringing and would consider myself socially taboo in how I conduct myself, so most people can't relate to me. The good news is I'm great at acting. ;)

Oh yeah, and regarding media, I don't really engage with much these days. Music wise, I guess old pop music (50s/60s) has a simplistic nostalgic quality that I often enjoy. I generally am a stimulation seeker though, and most "comfort media" tends to bore me on principle of being too fluffy so I'm probably not a good person to ask.

May I be able to best offer others what I can as well, ColorlessTrees ❤. May we all be able to. I think us being able to give anything at all… well, I feel this is something that at the end of the day we can truly find some solace in ♥. I'm reminded of the phrase "the worst thing about having nothing to give". But at least we have ourselves. Our words. Our minds. Even if we can't give an absolute panacea to what someone is experiencing, perhaps we can at least give them our understanding, or recognition of their own being, or perhaps even connect it with something we ourself have experienced as well.

I hope that people who will listen to you as sincerely and intently as you listen to others will come into your life and become a part of your life, embracing your soul and giving your mind clarity when the desires for company are felt most.

Thank you for writing this entire letter, ColorlessTrees; I sincerely appreciate the genuine thoughts you have candidly put into paragraphs here. I have seen this perspective expressed various times by thoughtful forum members as well. Oftentimes with them expressing an intent to move on from the forum. It's true. It is real. Sometimes the thoughts that circulate most in a space are not the most nuanced nor true ones, but the ones that activate and tap into the emotions and ignite existing feelings, firing into narratives that align easily to what a mind may construct in situations like the ones people here experience. It's a very complex subject, but sometimes the functioning has simple aspects that can be observed outside of abstract philosophical arguments.

You… have gone much farther than most suicidal people do in this analysis. And I thank you for going there. Not everyone has. I feel personally validated in my own reservations on forum culture, thanks to your own notes on it.

I have really thought through the "burning building" quote that you allude to here. I'm not sure if you've read the full quote, but it's by author David Foster Wallace. I've really thought through each step of language in the entire text of the quote. I think it is far more an expression of how suicidal people feel, than a description of "how suicide actually is". It is quite true affective account: … less so as a functional one.

But anyways. This is quite a long letter already. I struggle to make a clean conclusion for letters as long as this, haha. Thanks for your words, and your thoughts: I feel they are really on point.

Best wishes,
Sincerely,
- flow

 

[Cloud Busting]

Just posting today to say I feel overwhelmed, sick, nauseated, dealing with pain from muscle tension I usually block out, scared to go outside yet need to move but in a studio gonna die

I hate how I stress over nothing

Cuz I can't let go of the past

Bf caught me blank staring. I hate when I do that. Looks so deranged and fucking creepy. I don't make eye contact when I do it. I'm literally elsewhere… I caught myself doing that before or ppl commenting and I'm like uh like yeah…. fucking embarrassing lol but nah I didn't have trauma that's for pussies

Surreal

A part of me wants to drink, or dissociate. Then again I have a resilient part of me that wants to preserve. Hell yeah

I am in hell but I'll prevail

Not in the mood to reply to anyone and can't promise that I will, but I'm finally all caught up.

The thoughts on the culture here are interesting. Essentially it seems there are two predominant camps: pro medical establishment, and anti psychiatry. Yet I know there is a more progressive camp when it comes to recovery. That's what I'm hoping to foster here. I wish mental health was more community rather than medically based (not that there isn't a time and a place for that… I merely would like to balance the scales)

And yes i agree about the misogyny. It's not cool to admit it but I'm a nerd bruh idgaf. I'm tired of ppl sweeping it under the rug. It is a real problem. I'm not afraid of controversy nor am I afraid to make waves. I'm gonna die anyway and I'm no longer suicidal lol @eatantz I think we've talked about this b4

SaSu seems to fit the safe space for being honest about feeling suicidal niche. It's not hitting the safe space for being honest about recovery niche. Places like that are much more obscure. I'm glad I'm not the only one who felt uncomfortable trying to open up about recovery here. Obviously I did have people who were supportive of my journey, so there is a genuine audience for this. I wanna keep it alive however possible.

I really miss usagidrop this thread hasn't been the same since she left. Honestly Venin as well. Lively energy is always nice, well for much as you can expect from this place lol

I'm done now. Gonna watch futurama. Thinking about negative shit is not helping need to recenter

 

[ColorlessTrees]

@webb&flow

I'm very glad my brain fogged ramble could resonate so deeply. I admit, I was very moved by such a beautifully long reply! Thanks for remembering me, you're too kind! I forget whatever I've talked about before, but I know my replies tend to be a little more involved when I do feel like adding my two cents.

I wrote up a long thing to many of the points that I felt like could use additional context, especially the bit about validation, but it's probably just circular in part to what you've already written much more eloquently than me. Truly I'm glad I'm not the only one who takes issue with this either. Mindless validation and immunity to criticism is becoming a problem not just in this forum but culture overall. It's very poisonous.

With the quote specifically, I weaved it in because it's parroted often enough to be foundational to the site by now. I agree that like with most things like this, its original intent and context is matterless to most; it is powerful for describing a feeling, but I don't even think it should be taken as a validation per se of suicide. It feels to me like an impartial explanation of the intensity of invisible agony, and what drives people to their actions. But that's my abstract read of it!

Anyway, my intent was to open a conversation, and it's good to know people resonate. I know for a fact people will tend not to speak up until someone does it first, out of fear of hivemind attacking, conflict avoidance, or whatever it is punishment.

But extreme harm especially to others, should not be encouraged to roam free and mutate under any circumstance; people defining all institutions and treatment as evil, all life as suffering, all people trying to recover as delusional, and treating their discussions with such callousness under the guise of "it's a suicide forum bro" is ridiculous. Additionally, being opposed to lines of thinking that encourage wiping out all existence on principles of "logic" clearly informed by dark lenses is not necessarily arguing against suicide as a choice. Nor is telling people to be cautious or think it through, especially if they are clearly young and going through a rough patch. The accusations of delusions and childishness of others who defy these trains of thought is just laughably ironic.

I understand in a way why they want to impose their measures. To them it's the "net positive" option that overrides free will. But frankly there is nothing I hate more than seeing people try to remove choice from a fundmanentally *pro choice* forum.

Sorry for the absolute essay lol, I just thank anyone for reading.

 

[ConfusedClouds]

So I've been quiet for a few days. Lurking a bit but mainly not having many words. Busy with day-to-day life; work shifts and then lots of life admin and exercise/activity plans that have killed of significant time periods. And today's gym hiit class was particularly brutal but thats a good thing - beasting myself with full power on a ski erg and rower really somehow seems to calm and regulate things. Shame its not sustainable to do it more frequently.

I'm also now in a waiting game to hear back from my gp I vented a bit on my profile which has become my sort of vent/journal. It has potential to be really beneficial to me and reassure me in many ways and see that the gp (who I'm fairly new to) is invested in actually helping try and work things out. OR could shoot me right down and remind me that I can function in society (and awkwardly strong in the gym) so wtf do I want medically, just 'keep doing what you're doing', urgh. Time will tell. I go through waves of hope and despair about it all.

As for my place in suicidality. I'm probably more leaning towards a state of having my 'affairs' in order and keeping living a solo life. And never able to think ahead to any future. Just doesn't compute. Occasionally my logic brain will latch onto planning a trip a month or two in advance. But thats the limit of future planning of any sort. But it feels inevitable that I wont live to old age. But I also am calmer and more accepting of it all rather than being more frantic and on-the-run a few years back. But am also still here. 4+ years after running from my past lives in order to cut ties to ctb. I do have rope and SN (but no protocol meds), but no direct intentions with them most the time. I've not had an impulsive stint in a few months, so that means one's probably due! But I just keep distracted and busy with this day's plans step by step. I need to be more careful about using phrases like 'killing time' 'time disappearing' in a positive sense in society.

i'm really appreciating the openness here now for it not to be shut down to say you still might well ctb. Despite being in recovery forum. I'm not sure what I trust or believe in myself at the best of times. As mentioned a lot in recent posts here, the majority of the forum is not great. Likely to get shot down or questioned for being stuck between the two and not committing 100% to one direction or the other. Hopefully this balanced conversation here can continue and maintain the appreciation of the nuance rather than being caught up in attention seeking frantic posting (she says while posting on a social media forum which inevitably means 'for attention seeking'!!)

There's a few quotes that caught my eye to reply directly to from over the weekend. Not so much the past couple of days' posts - because I generally agree with everything thats been said there with nothing to add nor contribute! So thankyou to those that have.

is the longer I starve myself the lower is my appetite.

Yes I feel this too - I also lose my appetite with the more exercise I do. But because I do heavy weightlifting, I get paranoid at the injury risk there if I underfuel. So I kinda autopilot robot force myself to eat 'fuel' and that can end up with some weird combos where I will think my dinner maybe didn't have enough protein (no measurements, just spidey senses) so I'll take a spoon to some cottage cheese on the side. I could never cook for others as my sense of taste must be warped! But I constantly find myself in inner conflict of whats needed vs enough vs too much. I'll feel super strong one second then super bloated and obese the next. So my 'conclusion'/balance is to just keep forcing the training. Lifting heavy reassures my stupid brain that I am strong and 'I can'. Same with smashing some big power numbers in HIIT classes. Its not like I'll ever be in a relationship or anything. I'm beyond that. Glitter and turd kind of logic. But it means I'm chill. I've resigned myself to never being much of a 'beauty' but if I can at least reassure myself that I can do strong stuff, then that calms the brain down about it a lot. At least for me. I can accept being big like I've always been if I've now built strength to match it.

Do you think you have a future worth living for?
I told the psychiatrist -- actually let me find my notes


""I don't think I have a future "worth" living and not being a alive seems to be a solution worth pursuing and working towards long term""

And that's my for me ctb felt like a reasonable option

I relate to this so much. Been an ok few days but thats solely because I've been zoned in on my individual tasks each day and getting a few bits sorted. Zero 'forward' thinking. Nothing computes beyond 'ok now cycle home from town and have food...' and then once thats done 'ok now big treat shower with hair wash and then epilate legs in front of tv...' etc etc

I fall to pieces when I let anything bigger picture future actually process. Or things like the news and mess of society. Or questions from acquaintances or colleagues (or possibly soon medical professionals) asking personal thoughts on stuff. Nope. No thoughts/opinions/beliefs/preferences. Just logic and ticking boxes to get through days.

reading your posts looks like you comminicate well over text

Thanks. But its not sustainable. Going back to that tap analogy. It helps turn the tap on for sure but it still keeps coming and coming and breaks all boundaries and never stops. So I have to be careful. Shut off.

You can be negative and down in the dumps. Just don't shame or blame or be an assholes. That's it.

I'm loving this in this revived thread, thanks so much. Not feeling too guilty posting still about ctb being a valid option while so is living (either surviving or thriving). Annoyingly when I am merely 'surviving' I actually seem to thrive. But when I try 'thriving', things go to shit. Which is almost arrogant to say. Like I can be a ninja when I'm not trying and give zero thoughts/shits about anything. But don't ask me anything intentionally!

Hahah love it, do you have a release valve for the pressure to release so you don't implode/explode?

For me, its the gym. Or exercise. Which can lead to im/explosion if I'm already maxed out on exercise for the day and yet I'm having a grumpy day! Feels like nowhere else to turn. Can get real twitchy and on edge real quick. Easier to talk myself down though if I can reflect on having already ticked the exercise box earlier in the day. Who knows what would happen if I got injured.

whether we as individuals choose to accept to deny the "society" defintion of healthy

Now this is a huge sticking point too. I feel like in recent years, society has slid SO far towards convenience and comfort that doing even the smallest proactive/healthy thing can be framed as 'too much' 'unhealthy'. Like I often get called mad for cycling my 10km/30mins commute. Or seeing people stress about going to the shops 2 mins walk away because 'its busy so there'll be no parking'.
Its one thing personally recognising this but its another then living surrounded by it questioning if you are simply being normal/balanced/healthy or legitimately overtraining/too much/nutter.
The same goes to the mess of Ultra Processed Foods and marketing gone bazerk in supermarkets meaning I feel judged as too much for trying to buy veg and salads.

i still go the gym everyday though. dont want to, but i kind of have to

I relate to this. Its less exhausting just getting out and ticking the gym box than it is then arguing with and berating myself later in the day if I don't. My main trick is to not have to make any decisions about my sessions - weights have been the same weekly sessions for like 4-5 years now. Then cardio is mostly running totally zoned out to rhythm of some upbeat music or hiit classes where there's variety but an instructor just tells me what to do and when to start/stop so all I need to do is show up and 'do'.
I also agree that an exercise megathread wouldn't really work. Its too individual and in an environment like this site could very quickly become (or feel) either competitive/show off, or maybe alienate beginner exercisers. I agree there are better resources/spaces for more individualised exercise tips and tricks.



Sorry, haven't really asked any questions back of anyone to continue much. But its feeling a nice space here atm, so thank you ALL

 

[webb&flow]

@ColorlessTrees

reading your reply felt like such a hug; thank you so so much!! i would say you're too kind but honestly i appreciate it, so, thank you

I wrote up a long thing to many of the points that I felt like could use additional context, especially the bit about validation, but

no buts i wanna see it haha

if u wrote it, i wanna see it!!! xD

Truly I'm glad I'm not the only one who takes issue with this either. Mindless validation and immunity to criticism is becoming a problem not just in this forum but culture overall. It's very poisonous.

groupthink galore. people like you are a real solution to this, Colorless. there are a lot of people who follow common cultural currents out of being swayed, who may truly have free space in their souls and heads, space that you can freely flow into, and help them see what they have not, as well as what you have

lines of thinking that encourage wiping out all existence on principles of "logic"

logic is no proof, haha ;). all sentences use logic. doesn't make them true at all, heheh.

P1. 10% of people are left handed
P2. polar bears are people
C. 10% of polar bears are left handed

behold my logical arctic argument. the pro-lifer propagandists are now shivering in their boots (brrr)

I understand in a way why they want to impose their measures. To them it's the "net positive" option that overrides free wil

i totally get you on the "haha it's silly" part. and just the general unfriendly and closedoff vibe it can make. but genuinely, this idea of "net positive override free will" is genuinely kinda fuckin' bazoonkas. like this is cartoon villain level stuff we get here.

Sorry for the absolute essay lol, I just thank anyone for reading

i thank u so much for writing it colorlesstrees!!! i loved reading all your words!! ^^

i just remembered—i rlly loved reading your posts on the "what one common phrase" you have an opinion on thread -

but random recalls aside; truly, its so so lovely to read your words . i really do hope that you're doing well today <3.

i've been thinking more too on the viability of forum usage as well. thank you for writing on this personally key subject

sincere internet hug!! (only if youre ok with it haha)