Venting I want to crawl into the Internet and never leave

[moralfag]

Please excuse my bad grammar in this post, my head has been hurting the whole day and it is hard to concentrate on writing.

I hate living in the real world. I hate it so much. I wish I could crawl into the internet and stay here forever. I never want to interact with someone in person ever again.
Today was my first day back to classes after break. As usual, I spent my entire break doomscrolling and numbing my feelings with consuming as much interesting media as possible (TV shows, books, art, anything). I got a little bit better. I interacted with a few people (over the internet) who were very pleasant towards me and had some great conversations, and it gave me some hope towards re-entering the real world. I thought for a moment that maybe people weren't so awful. Maybe I was exaggerating and I just needed to go outside and socialize more.
I will never make this mistake again. I'm so tired of getting my hopes up just to find out that nothing ever changes.
My first interaction with a person was getting spit on and yelled at down the school hallway. The reason? He thought the duck plush keychain on my backpack made me look like an "unlovable weaboo freak". It was a gift from my mother when we were still on good terms. I thought it was really cute. It reminded me of the good memories I had with her. I, however, immediately removed it once I got to class. It's still tucked away in the side pocket of my bag. I guess I really am a spineless loser.
The actual class went alright. I didn't say anything to anyone, and nobody said anything to me. I just had to endure listening to my classmates talk about how funny they thought torturing others was. The same classmates studying to become doctors talked about how hilarious rape victims were and how they would love to rape someone. The same classmates studying to become teachers talked about how funny it was to bully other students and how they should try to get as many people to kill themselves as they could.
It made me realize how truly awful humans are. I was ignorant because of the positive experiences I'd had online, and I completely forgot that at the end of the day people are still just sick human beings.
Nobody is exempt from this. The teachers who win "teacher of the year" awards at my school are the same ones that watched and laughed as my classmates would stab me with pencils and pens, the counselors that "want to help kids" are the same ones that laughed at me when I cried to them about my sister pointing a shotgun to her head and threatening to blow her brains out due to the trauma she received at school.
My rapist is a security officer who recently got a raise for his "good performance"; he has plenty of friends and support systems and it doesn't matter if he's a rapist because that's human.
My abuser is a nurse who "cares about her patients" and it doesn't matter that she beat me so bad I had to go to physical therapy to relearn how to walk and it doesn't matter that she's an abuser because that's human.
Nobody is innocent. I hate everyone. I just want to be left alone. Why is everyone so normal about such cruel things? I don't understand…

I apologize for the longer post. I just need somewhere to talk after today. I feel so drained. Much love to all of you, and thank you for reading this. I hope your life is going well

 

[usernamegoeshere]

felt physically sick reading this. im sorry, nobody deserves to be surrounded by people like that. im not sure where you're going but it sounds horrendously toxic. i hope you can get out of there soon. people are disgusting hateful creatures. i've never understood why people harbor so much hate within them. i don't understand why people go out of their way to hurt others.

 

[moralfag]

felt physically sick reading this. im sorry, nobody deserves to be surrounded by people like that. im not sure where you're going but it sounds horrendously toxic. i hope you can get out of there soon. people are disgusting hateful creatures. i've never understood why people harbor so much hate within them. i don't understand why people go out of their way to hurt others.

Thank you for your kind reply, it makes me feel better just knowing that people like you are out there, even if life drives most of them to places like this. Wishing the best for you.

 

[Always-in-trouble]

Thank you for your kind reply, it makes me feel better just knowing that people like you are out there, even if life drives most of them to places like this. Wishing the best for you.

Horrid civillian culture like this is hard to combat., especially as it's a lot harder convince people in irl that what they are doing is not okay. Sorry about those experiences.

 

[Forever Sleep]

The people around you sound awful. Not sure I've experienced quite as widespread bullying as this but I do still definitely relate to you. I wish I could disappear into media, into a kinder world.

 

[moralfag]

The people around you sound awful. Not sure I've experienced quite as widespread bullying as this but I do still definitely relate to you. I wish I could disappear into media, into a kinder world.

I'm sorry that the world has been rough to you too, maybe someday in the future it can change... I hope things get better for you, and that you're able to find a kinder place out there. Thank you for your reply! ❤

 

[kuroshimi]

When I first discovered Serial Experiments Lain, I understood the idea of disappearing from real world and erasing the other's memory.

I always had the existential thoughts. I've also experienced bullying, not as yours, but still can relate to you. Sorry that you encountered such things.

 

[LonelyPrince]

Please excuse my bad grammar in this post, my head has been hurting the whole day and it is hard to concentrate on writing.

I hate living in the real world. I hate it so much. I wish I could crawl into the internet and stay here forever. I never want to interact with someone in person ever again.
Today was my first day back to classes after break. As usual, I spent my entire break doomscrolling and numbing my feelings with consuming as much interesting media as possible (TV shows, books, art, anything). I got a little bit better. I interacted with a few people (over the internet) who were very pleasant towards me and had some great conversations, and it gave me some hope towards re-entering the real world. I thought for a moment that maybe people weren't so awful. Maybe I was exaggerating and I just needed to go outside and socialize more.
I will never make this mistake again. I'm so tired of getting my hopes up just to find out that nothing ever changes.
My first interaction with a person was getting spit on and yelled at down the school hallway. The reason? He thought the duck plush keychain on my backpack made me look like an "unlovable weaboo freak". It was a gift from my mother when we were still on good terms. I thought it was really cute. It reminded me of the good memories I had with her. I, however, immediately removed it once I got to class. It's still tucked away in the side pocket of my bag. I guess I really am a spineless loser.
The actual class went alright. I didn't say anything to anyone, and nobody said anything to me. I just had to endure listening to my classmates talk about how funny they thought torturing others was. The same classmates studying to become doctors talked about how hilarious rape victims were and how they would love to rape someone. The same classmates studying to become teachers talked about how funny it was to bully other students and how they should try to get as many people to kill themselves as they could.
It made me realize how truly awful humans are. I was ignorant because of the positive experiences I'd had online, and I completely forgot that at the end of the day people are still just sick human beings.
Nobody is exempt from this. The teachers who win "teacher of the year" awards at my school are the same ones that watched and laughed as my classmates would stab me with pencils and pens, the counselors that "want to help kids" are the same ones that laughed at me when I cried to them about my sister pointing a shotgun to her head and threatening to blow her brains out due to the trauma she received at school.
My rapist is a security officer who recently got a raise for his "good performance"; he has plenty of friends and support systems and it doesn't matter if he's a rapist because that's human.
My abuser is a nurse who "cares about her patients" and it doesn't matter that she beat me so bad I had to go to physical therapy to relearn how to walk and it doesn't matter that she's an abuser because that's human.
Nobody is innocent. I hate everyone. I just want to be left alone. Why is everyone so normal about such cruel things? I don't understand…

I apologize for the longer post. I just need somewhere to talk after today. I feel so drained. Much love to all of you, and thank you for reading this. I hope your life is going well

I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that.

 

[moralfag]

When I first discovered Serial Experiments Lain, I understood the idea of disappearing from real world and erasing the other's memory.

I always had the existential thoughts. I've also experienced bullying, not as yours, but still can relate to you. Sorry that you encountered such things.

I loved Serial Experiments Lain, it was definitely one of my favorite series. Sums up how I feel a lot of the time.

Sorry you had to go through something similar, nobody deserves this. I wish humans would be kinder to each other. I appreciate your kind reply, may life go well for you!