Venting I want a friend but I don’t understand other people.

[moralfag]

I've never had an actual friend in my entire life. Nobody knows my favourite colour or my birthday or the movies I like or the songs I listen to.
When I was in elementary school I wanted a friend so bad I didn't find it weird when a high schooler wanted to get closer to me. He ended up raping me and ruining my life.
The "friends" I tried to make when I entered high school were awful. I could tell you their exact prescriptions, favourite food, birthday, all their life problems, etc. but I don't think a single one ever knew anything about me.
When I was hospitalized none of my "friends" even noticed. I never got asked once if I was okay, yet I was always the first person they went to if they had an issue.
When I got my first job I was always seen as the "happy" coworker who could be efficient at the job. When my coworkers needed help or accommodations for their disabilities (the job I worked hired disabled people and was a fairly easy job that gave accommodations when needed) it was given quickly, but when I even slightly hinted towards needing help it was always "you're the self sufficient one you don't need the help".
I remember getting told in school that I was the "easy" kid with good grades and no problems.
My classmate with ADHD was given countless accommodations and support and babied her whole life for having ADHD while it took me seven years of self-harm, two suicide attempts, a schizophrenia/bpd/ptsd diagnosis and two hospitalizations for the school to even acknowledge that i might have issues too. I never received any help in school and was instead yelled at by the teachers for going to the hospital because I "didn't need it".
I was very smart as a kid. (Not so much anymore, mental illness rotted away most of the intellectual parts of my brain) I placed top of my state for testing and would often score the highest score on tests for my school. Not once was I ever congratulated. Instead, my classmates with ADHD were given awards for "trying their best" (even if they failed) and put on a pedestal.
I tried so hard to get people to notice me. Did I do a lot of things for attention? Probably, yeah, but I just wanted someone to acknowledge that I was struggling.
When my classmate skipped school for a week because her brother yelled at her and she needed a "mental health vacation" she was told she was loved and that she did the right thing. She was supported in every way.
When I missed school for a few days because I was beaten so bad I couldn't walk properly I was yelled at and mocked for "being too lazy to come to school".
I just wanted somebody to notice me. I wanted help too.
I wanted somebody to know that my favourite colour was brown or that my birthday was October 16th or that I loved movies about World War One and 80s music.
It's hard to feel like a human being when everyone seems to know the rules of socializing and I don't.
Sorry for the ventpost. I hope you're doing okay and thank you for reading this even when you didn't have to. I love you anon

 

[LastNite]

I relate, I gave up a long time ago with socializing and trying to fit in. School felt like war to me. I missed so many days but I managed to keep getting a 90% avg on every subject. Ended up dropping out 11th grade because at that time I tried to kill myself and had sent an email to my fav teacher. I survived it and felt too embarrassed to go back, not to mention that I missed 2-3 weeks of school because of the psych ward. I never managed to get a friend, one time though someone who was new stuck with me and tried to befriend me. He was very social, I was the opposite, I barely said a word. School ended and I moved to High School never saw that guy again. I felt like an asshole for not socializing with him.

Also, sorry for what you went through. I hope you're doing better than before. Best wishes!

 

[Kenny]

I've made friends and lost friends (more on the lost side recently) sometimes it takes time to find the right person to be around, regardless of how well you socialize. I hope that you find some good friends sometime soon.

Either way, you've been held to an unfair standard. Feeling like doing your best won't get you anywhere is very discouraging. It was a similar case in my school, except instead of holding people to an unfair standard, they hold everyone to an extremely low standard. You get a giant portion of your grade for just showing up, and can still get good grades after missing weeks of classes.

Life has rough spots, that's while we're all here. I wish you the best moving forward regardless.

 

[MissAbyss]

I really hope you get to meet your soulmate someday, because you deserve that kind of happiness. They would be truly blessed to have you in their life!

 

[lawr]

Well written and heart-wrenching post. I can relate somewhat. I know what it's like to spend your life crying for help around people who either aren't perceptive enough to hear it, or aren't empathetic enough to care about it. Feels terrible. Feels like you're crying in a language nobody else speaks. All the while you have to watch others be treated the way you wish you could be treated. It's a deeply disgusting feeling of unfairness and forsakenness, at least the way I experienced it.

Depending on how well you can understand others making acquaintances is a pretty easy thing to do but making a real friend who's actually emotionally invested in you to some extent is an incredibly rare thing to come across. I've found that most people who act like they care just do so because it's the right thing to do anyways, and not because they really care. Better than nothing I guess.

Reminds me of a good friend of mine who once told me the story of his own SA in confidence. I secretly cried for him as he was telling me and he'll never know. I still wonder if he cares about me that way or not.

Anyways, for what it's worth, I really feel for you and I hope you eventually find the right people who will make you feel like you matter. Also, I love 80s too. Being younger and into 80s sucks ass you're always the odd one out. Cheers