Venting i want to be emotionally numb

[bunnyloop]

as someone with bpd my emotions are so intense it ruins every aspect of my life. idk if i want to go on antidepressants again idt they do much for me and i'd rather not deal with those sexual side effects when i'm already depressed. i've heard wellbutrin is a good choice but it's not smth i can get for depression in the uk. i once took the last 10 of my escitalopram because they weren't working so i wanted to force them to work and it made me so emotionally numb and when i tell you it was the best feeling ever. feeling nothing was an amazing feeling. during this time i was going through such a hard time in my life with my old fp so i wanted to do anyrhing to numb the pain. i was literally unable to cry that day after i did this. i can't remember how long the numbness lasted maybe a few days but it felt so good not being controlled by my emotions. i want to get that feeling back without having to do that again. i don't think taking only 10 causes serotonin syndrome i can't really remember if i had any of the symptoms i didn't really care enough about anything to check. there are some days when something bad happens to me and i'm surprised i'm not crying and i don't care and i just wish i could feel like that all the time. it can get boring after a while tho. i like crying as a stress reliever but having breakdowns is horrible. and i always cry after watching smth sad so if i don't then it just makes me think the show or movie i watched wasn't good enough if it didn't make me cry. i just wanna feel apathetic to heartbreak and people not liking me. i wish i had a strong sense of self so i just didn't care what others thought of me

 

[kunikuzushi]

I feel the same. Ativan numbs me so good. It's the perfect feeling of nothing and not caring about anything. But no one will prescribe it to me because it's a controlled substance, and I only have 7 left.

I'm sorry to hear about your pain having to deal with these terrible emotions. I wish you comfort.

 

[bunnyloop]

I feel the same. Ativan numbs me so good. It's the perfect feeling of nothing and not caring about anything. But no one will prescribe it to me because it's a controlled substance, and I only have 7 left.

I'm sorry to hear about your pain having to deal with these terrible emotions. I wish you comfort.

i wish i could get access to benzos so bad. the only way i possibly could is to find a dealer that sells them but that would probably be dangerous

 

[kunikuzushi]

i wish i could get access to benzos so bad. the only way i possibly could is to find a dealer that sells them but that would probably be dangerous

I don't know where you're located, but here emergency rooms hand out benzos like candy. I just told them I was having a panic attack and had suicidal thoughts, but no plan. That way they didn't involuntarily hold me, but it was urgent enough that they gave me the ativan. I don't know how many times I can go back though without them getting suspicious of me of drug seeking behavior.

 

[Hollowman]

It gets way beyond boring. I've been almost completely emotionally numb for around seven years. Just dead inside. Hopefully you'll be able to figure something out.