I wonder, is it possible you experience a pattern of rejecting what you desire when it is available? No judgment on that, only a matter of being aware. Imo, it's good information, even if one isn't sure what to do with it at this time.
Is it also possible that there is a pattern of seeing only two options, either remaining in what destroys you, or destroy yourself? This can be a perfectionist pattern, in which perfection is not achievable (no such thing exists anyway, but the pattern doesn't allow that reality), so not even trying for perfection, and perhaps also going for the opposite, is a way to reinforce the false reality of the impossible by weakening or even annihilating oneself in despair over it, as if one is not capable, is lacking, and/or is undeserving of perfection. Perfection is not possible, except perhaps in moments, but not sustainably, therefore it is not a matter of capability or merit.
I've been studying Stoicism for a while, no worries if this isn't your thing, but the OP and my response reminded me of something I read:
It would be foolish to regard small improvements with contempt when it is so rare to find any other kind. So if Stoics seek great things but get only part way there, the discrepancy should not cause them to be thought of as hypocrites. They aimed high, fell short, and did well.
- Ward Farnsworth, The Practicing Stoic
