Gloomic
New Member
- Aug 14, 2026
- 4
As of now, I want to die the most because of other people, not because of myself.
I have dreams that I want to fulfill and that I have a semblance of confidence in. Right now, I'm 174 pages deep into writing a book that I want published. I'm a fashion enthusiast who wants to travel the world and to share my artistic expression with other people. I want to design and make my own alternative fashion accessories. I want to finish my Information Systems degree that I'm halfway through.
I'm not the prettiest person. I've been bullied at school for my appearance and abused at home. My sibling would demean me, hit me, and sexually took advantage of me when we were children. At school and home, I wasn't safe anywhere. At the developmental stages, I hated myself the most. I wanted to die because of me and all the insecurities everyone pointed out about me. My lack of intelligence, beauty, talent, and having an obnoxious overly sensitive personality as a kid. I have self-harmed as punishment and relief since middle school, and the reaction to it from my family was met with anger and belittling.
I've dreamt about suicide since elementary school. I don't necessarily believe in romance or deep friendships, but it drives in the fact that I have nobody to talk to. Humans are social creatures, so even the alone get lonely, despite me adapting to not needing other people to emotionally support me. I have grown strong since those days, not needing the validation of other people to get me through life. To have an automatic emotional barrier when it comes to people, so I don't get betrayed and don't have to carry others' burdens or complaints.
Lately, I don't want to die because of myself, but because of others' treatment toward me. My situation is that I'm dependent on my family financially, meaning I'm unemployed and don't suffer the consequences of being in poverty. This sounds wonderful to most people with financial struggle, however it comes with a price. My family humiliates me in front of other relatives and when we go out, for example, restaurant workers. I'm described as a spoiled brat who can't do anything by themselves and am childish because I can't handle the real world. They offer to put food on my plate, and then shame me for having food on my plate.
I've tried to get a job and put my efforts into being independent by trying to get a driver's license, volunteer for non-profit organizations, exercise outdoors. These are shut down by my family and has gone to a point where if I persist enough with wanting to go outside without supervision, or if they feel angry enough at me, they will get physically violent with me until I have bruises. It sounds ridiculous, but my parent has literally stated that they hate being around me and will kill me in my sleep, with the bat they were holding at the time of argument, if I start trying to act out of line. My other parent had to come home from work early to block them from coming up the stairs and killing me.
I'm basically not allowed to grow up. I'm not allowed to express my emotions. When my voice began cracking from overwhelming emotion when my parent declined the opportunity I got to go to an in-person university, they told me that adults do not speak the way I do and I need to learn how to talk before trying to go to into the real world. I wasn't even arguing with them about them declining because I knew my opinion would never be accepted with them or even if I decided to go on my own without relying on them financially, they would still say no. My parent always states things like, 'I don't have good enough social skills to have a job anyway,' or 'I shouldn't want my own money when I have no bills to pay.'
Vacations feel like a performance for family reunions. Distant families come for the party yet never talk to us when we are not throwing a reunion. My family invites people they talk badly about behind closed doors. It feels artificial. I have to act as if we are the perfect family, and nobody sees us as any different due to our financial stability.
It's a power dynamic to keep me under their control. They get to excuse their nasty behavior by saying that they pay everything for me so I can't feel upset over losing my autonomy or being hurt by them. Sometimes, I start believing that it's okay to be treated like this by families, because they hold a different type of dynamic from other relationships. Sometimes, I think that as long as I have the finances being solved for me, maybe I should bask in what privileges I have now. I wouldn't be able to fulfill my dreams, but maybe I don't need to.
Perhaps I'll explain the exact stories some other time, but I have no where to truly run to without suffering. I have zero friends in reality and have been that way for half my life. I have a hatred and emotional distance towards people. Hence, I have no one to count on to board with. I tried subtely running off to college, which was my big goal of escaping, but that didn't work and when I showed the slightest bit of emotion to it not working, I was met with the typical "Real adults don't talk like that." If I run away now, I'll have to become homeless because I have no money or job experience to my name. If I did run off to a shelter where they take in people on the brink of homelessness, I would be stuck in an uncomfortable situation of bunking with strangers and still living in poverty, and dropping out of college.
It comes down to having financial stability, but I lose my identity. Or having financial instability, but I retain some identity. It's a bad tradeoff.
The constant cycle of identity crises, self-pitying, numbness, and having to sulk in silence in the darkness in my room is getting to my head. I'm very career oriented, and want to make a positive impact, but my family and societal expectations makes me rather be dead.
I have dreams that I want to fulfill and that I have a semblance of confidence in. Right now, I'm 174 pages deep into writing a book that I want published. I'm a fashion enthusiast who wants to travel the world and to share my artistic expression with other people. I want to design and make my own alternative fashion accessories. I want to finish my Information Systems degree that I'm halfway through.
I'm not the prettiest person. I've been bullied at school for my appearance and abused at home. My sibling would demean me, hit me, and sexually took advantage of me when we were children. At school and home, I wasn't safe anywhere. At the developmental stages, I hated myself the most. I wanted to die because of me and all the insecurities everyone pointed out about me. My lack of intelligence, beauty, talent, and having an obnoxious overly sensitive personality as a kid. I have self-harmed as punishment and relief since middle school, and the reaction to it from my family was met with anger and belittling.
I've dreamt about suicide since elementary school. I don't necessarily believe in romance or deep friendships, but it drives in the fact that I have nobody to talk to. Humans are social creatures, so even the alone get lonely, despite me adapting to not needing other people to emotionally support me. I have grown strong since those days, not needing the validation of other people to get me through life. To have an automatic emotional barrier when it comes to people, so I don't get betrayed and don't have to carry others' burdens or complaints.
Lately, I don't want to die because of myself, but because of others' treatment toward me. My situation is that I'm dependent on my family financially, meaning I'm unemployed and don't suffer the consequences of being in poverty. This sounds wonderful to most people with financial struggle, however it comes with a price. My family humiliates me in front of other relatives and when we go out, for example, restaurant workers. I'm described as a spoiled brat who can't do anything by themselves and am childish because I can't handle the real world. They offer to put food on my plate, and then shame me for having food on my plate.
I've tried to get a job and put my efforts into being independent by trying to get a driver's license, volunteer for non-profit organizations, exercise outdoors. These are shut down by my family and has gone to a point where if I persist enough with wanting to go outside without supervision, or if they feel angry enough at me, they will get physically violent with me until I have bruises. It sounds ridiculous, but my parent has literally stated that they hate being around me and will kill me in my sleep, with the bat they were holding at the time of argument, if I start trying to act out of line. My other parent had to come home from work early to block them from coming up the stairs and killing me.
I'm basically not allowed to grow up. I'm not allowed to express my emotions. When my voice began cracking from overwhelming emotion when my parent declined the opportunity I got to go to an in-person university, they told me that adults do not speak the way I do and I need to learn how to talk before trying to go to into the real world. I wasn't even arguing with them about them declining because I knew my opinion would never be accepted with them or even if I decided to go on my own without relying on them financially, they would still say no. My parent always states things like, 'I don't have good enough social skills to have a job anyway,' or 'I shouldn't want my own money when I have no bills to pay.'
Vacations feel like a performance for family reunions. Distant families come for the party yet never talk to us when we are not throwing a reunion. My family invites people they talk badly about behind closed doors. It feels artificial. I have to act as if we are the perfect family, and nobody sees us as any different due to our financial stability.
It's a power dynamic to keep me under their control. They get to excuse their nasty behavior by saying that they pay everything for me so I can't feel upset over losing my autonomy or being hurt by them. Sometimes, I start believing that it's okay to be treated like this by families, because they hold a different type of dynamic from other relationships. Sometimes, I think that as long as I have the finances being solved for me, maybe I should bask in what privileges I have now. I wouldn't be able to fulfill my dreams, but maybe I don't need to.
Perhaps I'll explain the exact stories some other time, but I have no where to truly run to without suffering. I have zero friends in reality and have been that way for half my life. I have a hatred and emotional distance towards people. Hence, I have no one to count on to board with. I tried subtely running off to college, which was my big goal of escaping, but that didn't work and when I showed the slightest bit of emotion to it not working, I was met with the typical "Real adults don't talk like that." If I run away now, I'll have to become homeless because I have no money or job experience to my name. If I did run off to a shelter where they take in people on the brink of homelessness, I would be stuck in an uncomfortable situation of bunking with strangers and still living in poverty, and dropping out of college.
It comes down to having financial stability, but I lose my identity. Or having financial instability, but I retain some identity. It's a bad tradeoff.
The constant cycle of identity crises, self-pitying, numbness, and having to sulk in silence in the darkness in my room is getting to my head. I'm very career oriented, and want to make a positive impact, but my family and societal expectations makes me rather be dead.
