kurikaesu
the cause which isn't caused itself by anything
- Mar 15, 2026
- 22
In my last post I talked about a semi-attempt I made. I've tried to write up my current experience afterwards a couple times already and failed, so I'm exceptionally exhausted about this topic already.
I've felt extremely confused and empty; perpetually unfulfilled. I started a new job at a gas station and cried my first day after training because of my appearance. I dramatically cut down on smoking cigarettes because of that, since it can affect the effects of HRT even though it hadn't done so yet. I also noticed I gained a little weight in the time before I became employed, and it's barely noticeable to anyone but me, but I can't help but be disgusted by it. I never once in my life had an eating disorder, but I did eat considerably less than I do now back then, and I've considered starving myself a bit. I have had a couple days without eating anything before earlier this year, so I know I'm capable of it.
I realized/found out my best IRL friend emotionally abused me, which is probably the reason why I'm like this now. He'd make me feel so awful about myself to the point I can't stand being around other people at all, because I can't help but think I'm the worst person in the world, and that absolutely everyone hates me just as much as I hate myself. I assume he did this because for a period of time he was living with me, and he formed a romantic interest in me and I turned him down. Me and him are in a band together, and I left it because of mental health reasons. He then accused a different member of the band to be the reason why I felt this way. I never accused that friend for being the reason I left, but we did argue about it as I denied it was anyone's fault at all as he insisted it was the other member's fault. I ended up joining the band again for a reason unknown to myself. Maybe I thought I'd get better again.
I've been thinking about my gender much more often lately. Again, In a previous post I discussed my problems in dealing with internalized transphobia. It's gotten worse, and I just don't want to consider myself transgender at all anymore. I'm not sure if this is detransitioning, but I can barely think of myself as any gender at all. At my new job absolutely no one knows about it, and they don't use my preferred name or pronouns. My name is what hurts me the most at my job, and pronouns are what hurt me the most at home or by friends, since everyone at home gets my name correct. My dad slips up often, and once I even heard my mom slip up, which hurt me greatly. My 3 year old nephew will often call me the wrong thing ('Mom/Dad' - I don't feel comfortable stating my gender) because he thinks I'm that, no matter how many times I or anyone else corrects him. My sisters are great at it though. When someone (usually my sisters) corrects anyone on my gender, I feel an extreme wave of dysphoria. All of a sudden I can't speak because it'll clock me instantly and that's truly the worst thing, and I want to leave the situation as soon as possible. When someone uses my correct pronouns around people I'm not usually around, I can't really stand it. I feel so ashamed about being transgender, and I feel ashamed to be the gender I was born as. This sort of thing is why I can't stand being around other trans people, because I hate them for the same reasons I hate myself.
I'm becoming extremely lonely now too. I used to be able to vent to a great online friend but I became insecure about it and assumed I was being selfish, and assumed he was bored of it after a certain point, because who wouldn't? Of course he would. I've e-dated this guy for a couple of years and I broke up with him not too long ago because I thought I'd magically get a real IRL relationship afterwards. That did not happen. Instead, we still talk and occasionally act affectionate but we both work now and I find it hard to keep stable communication with anyone. Him, that other online friend, and the emotionally abusive IRL friend are the only people I've ever had long-term contact with, and I'm watching those friendships crumble down almost beautifully.
Lastly, I've had two dreams in the past couple days relating to romantic love. My only real relationship was in late 2020, which I was in the wrong about many things, and frankly was extremely annoying. They had every right to break up with me, even though I didn't understand that at the time. I assume the pain I feel now, in regards to this topic, is because of the pain I caused them. Perhaps I deserve to be unloved because of that, but I still find it hard to accept. No way I hurt them that bad right? Was it enough for me to be taunted by it every waking day? I'll die never knowing love at all, and perhaps that's for the best? Would I just do what I did last time again if I was given another chance with someone else? I ache every single day over the close certainty that I'll die without being in a fulfilling relationship. I crave to hold hands and go on dates, to live together in some apartment away from my home. I want to smell their fragrance in the morning; to come home from work and cuddle in their arms; to play with their hair as they play with mine. I could go on about those sorts of things for pages and pages. I could cry right now thinking about the impossibility of bringing someone home to show my family, as I've never done so. Thinking of their supposed politeness. It really kills me.
So, I'm perfectly okay with dying now. I'm not of the case where no one loves/cares for me, as I know many people who'd be extremely upset and heartbroken over it. After that shitty half-attempt, I realized that there's nothing for me here. I love media and making art, and it's the only thing keeping me going right now, but It's not a defining reason for me to live. I don't suffer like other people do, but I realize that I've locked myself into a position I have no desire to be in, and I think that's a valid enough reason. I have high hopes for the afterlife, whatever it may be, and I assume it's far above the humiliation of being a human. I'll likely have one more go-around, one more set of experiences before I say goodbye to everyone. I'd love for it all to end right now, but I have some selfish obligations to tend to first.
I've felt extremely confused and empty; perpetually unfulfilled. I started a new job at a gas station and cried my first day after training because of my appearance. I dramatically cut down on smoking cigarettes because of that, since it can affect the effects of HRT even though it hadn't done so yet. I also noticed I gained a little weight in the time before I became employed, and it's barely noticeable to anyone but me, but I can't help but be disgusted by it. I never once in my life had an eating disorder, but I did eat considerably less than I do now back then, and I've considered starving myself a bit. I have had a couple days without eating anything before earlier this year, so I know I'm capable of it.
I realized/found out my best IRL friend emotionally abused me, which is probably the reason why I'm like this now. He'd make me feel so awful about myself to the point I can't stand being around other people at all, because I can't help but think I'm the worst person in the world, and that absolutely everyone hates me just as much as I hate myself. I assume he did this because for a period of time he was living with me, and he formed a romantic interest in me and I turned him down. Me and him are in a band together, and I left it because of mental health reasons. He then accused a different member of the band to be the reason why I felt this way. I never accused that friend for being the reason I left, but we did argue about it as I denied it was anyone's fault at all as he insisted it was the other member's fault. I ended up joining the band again for a reason unknown to myself. Maybe I thought I'd get better again.
I've been thinking about my gender much more often lately. Again, In a previous post I discussed my problems in dealing with internalized transphobia. It's gotten worse, and I just don't want to consider myself transgender at all anymore. I'm not sure if this is detransitioning, but I can barely think of myself as any gender at all. At my new job absolutely no one knows about it, and they don't use my preferred name or pronouns. My name is what hurts me the most at my job, and pronouns are what hurt me the most at home or by friends, since everyone at home gets my name correct. My dad slips up often, and once I even heard my mom slip up, which hurt me greatly. My 3 year old nephew will often call me the wrong thing ('Mom/Dad' - I don't feel comfortable stating my gender) because he thinks I'm that, no matter how many times I or anyone else corrects him. My sisters are great at it though. When someone (usually my sisters) corrects anyone on my gender, I feel an extreme wave of dysphoria. All of a sudden I can't speak because it'll clock me instantly and that's truly the worst thing, and I want to leave the situation as soon as possible. When someone uses my correct pronouns around people I'm not usually around, I can't really stand it. I feel so ashamed about being transgender, and I feel ashamed to be the gender I was born as. This sort of thing is why I can't stand being around other trans people, because I hate them for the same reasons I hate myself.
I'm becoming extremely lonely now too. I used to be able to vent to a great online friend but I became insecure about it and assumed I was being selfish, and assumed he was bored of it after a certain point, because who wouldn't? Of course he would. I've e-dated this guy for a couple of years and I broke up with him not too long ago because I thought I'd magically get a real IRL relationship afterwards. That did not happen. Instead, we still talk and occasionally act affectionate but we both work now and I find it hard to keep stable communication with anyone. Him, that other online friend, and the emotionally abusive IRL friend are the only people I've ever had long-term contact with, and I'm watching those friendships crumble down almost beautifully.
Lastly, I've had two dreams in the past couple days relating to romantic love. My only real relationship was in late 2020, which I was in the wrong about many things, and frankly was extremely annoying. They had every right to break up with me, even though I didn't understand that at the time. I assume the pain I feel now, in regards to this topic, is because of the pain I caused them. Perhaps I deserve to be unloved because of that, but I still find it hard to accept. No way I hurt them that bad right? Was it enough for me to be taunted by it every waking day? I'll die never knowing love at all, and perhaps that's for the best? Would I just do what I did last time again if I was given another chance with someone else? I ache every single day over the close certainty that I'll die without being in a fulfilling relationship. I crave to hold hands and go on dates, to live together in some apartment away from my home. I want to smell their fragrance in the morning; to come home from work and cuddle in their arms; to play with their hair as they play with mine. I could go on about those sorts of things for pages and pages. I could cry right now thinking about the impossibility of bringing someone home to show my family, as I've never done so. Thinking of their supposed politeness. It really kills me.
So, I'm perfectly okay with dying now. I'm not of the case where no one loves/cares for me, as I know many people who'd be extremely upset and heartbroken over it. After that shitty half-attempt, I realized that there's nothing for me here. I love media and making art, and it's the only thing keeping me going right now, but It's not a defining reason for me to live. I don't suffer like other people do, but I realize that I've locked myself into a position I have no desire to be in, and I think that's a valid enough reason. I have high hopes for the afterlife, whatever it may be, and I assume it's far above the humiliation of being a human. I'll likely have one more go-around, one more set of experiences before I say goodbye to everyone. I'd love for it all to end right now, but I have some selfish obligations to tend to first.
