Venting I think I’d look better as a corpse

[spellbound]

I really hate mirrors. I'm scared I might impulsively punch mine. I think what I hate most about my face is how alive I look. My skin is healthy and tan, and my body is energetic. There's no bullet through my skull. I think it's possible I might be experiencing body dysmorphia for how alive I look, yk ? Idk how to explain it, but I feel dead, I feel like I've been dead for so long. Or maybe I feel like I should be dead but I ain't. When I imagine my corpse being recovered I feel so pretty. I'm beautiful. They look at me and finally they think I'm beautiful too. I feel like my body being dead is what my true nature is, what I truly am as a person.
I hope this doesn't sound like insane tho. I'm pretty normal in general. I mean a teenager doesn't like the way they look, big deal. I want to be beautiful, I'm not sure if it's okay to think I'll be beautiful once I'm dead. Does anyone else feel like they're already dead ?
Just to be clear, I'm not gonna ctb with the intent to be pretty. That won't be the reason for my death. I'm just venting away why I feel ugly all the time, idk. It does hurt me to be ugly.
One thing someone said to me that I'll never forget is that my eyes looked dead. They told me I have the stare of a dead body. I don't think they meant it as either compliment or insult, but it did something weird for me. I didn't actually feel pretty, but I felt something. I'm not sure how to describe, I guess I felt like I was something finally instead of nothing.
Mirrors man, they'll get you acting crazy.

 

[flyingangel]

I think I understand. People around me often comment that I look sick or like I'm about to pass out. I feel validated somehow.

 

[darksouls]

in the last millennium,
someone told me that my eyes looked empty,
I am sorry you have to go through this,
I hope you can find some peace