Venting I think I might be transgender

[loslassen]

I really don't want to be pessimistic, I'm always upholding these standards because I am very aware that I'm seriously trying my best to battle my negative thoughts. I have to admit it's starting to feel like I *want* to get worse though.

well, I've been questioning my gender and self expression since I was a tween, I cut my hair, did masculine makeup, binded my chest, made myself fake social media pretending to be a boy, changed my name online, cosplayed male characters and even tried to train my voice, this lasted about a year, but quickly I stopped due to getting into a "straight"relationship and my family's economic situation turning dire, I developed and ED and also couldn't afford food for a few years, my body developed into that of a woman and I accepted it and expressed myself through fashion pretty femininely. I'm an adult now and I believe I'd found myself just okay presenting according to me being AFAB.

but for some reason, for a few months, weeks, and now days each tighter between dates I've felt more and more insecure about my body, except this time it doesn't feel like I'm questioning or trying to explore, I've had muuuch less hormonal changes or mood swings compared to when I first questioned myself. It threw me off massively and sent me into a spiral, so I started investigating again trying to hear from trans men's experiences discovering themselves, watching it alone made me do some introspection, journaling and, when I knew it wasn't just a phase was when I cried about it.

I'm not a person who cries often at all, while I am highly sensitive and often guilt ridden, I don't express myself as someone insecure at all, these clues leading me to believe that… I am transgender.

every time I write it I want to cry.

I have a very constrained life in regards of how accepting my family and friends would be, but it makes me sad because most of these people have seen me in my younger phases, so I feel like they shouldn't be surprised if I ever came out and wanted to transition. still, my biggest fears and maybe even obstacles in achieving this are three. my relationship, my mom and my depression. I figure in my partners life in SUCH a way as a girlfriend and for their family as a daughter in law. I sometimes get concerned or confused because we've fantasized about marriage and children at earlier points of our lives, but to be honest for the last year I've been figuring out that I might not want to have children at all, and I haven't spoken about that in a constant way with my partner. I feel like they might've taken the fantasies to heart although we haven't planned anything, that besides the fact they asked me to marry them right after my first attempt, which is an immense snowball of guilt and self loathing for me given I attempted two times after that. In conclusion, my life has already been built and it heavily revolves around my existence as a woman and my presence in other people's lives in this way. still, every time I see myself in the mirror I see the wrong body, I see the potential for a good transition and I see another life in which maybe transitioning would pull me out of my depression. but I also see family abandoning me or rejecting me, specially my mom whom I'd need the biggest support from to transition. becoming the man I want to be would just be too difficult and unaffordable (socially) for me.

I know at heart I am a boy, and I've known this for many years but looked away due to pressure and a constant struggle with my depression and environment that left me no time or space for self discovery. I'm 100% sure one of the reasons I am coming up with this conclusion is because I have less concerns now living with my mom than when I did when I was with my dad, but then again Im still depressed and hate myself and self harm and haven't been able to make a change for the better in those regards.

I've been offered therapy and company from my family, but I don't think they grasp how huge of a damaged context I have which makes me believe they're unable to digest it in a way that would make me feel fully understood. I'm sad, I'm so fucking sad and I just wish I could kill myself and move on to the next life, if I could be born again a boy I would love to do so, but I also would hate to throw away my person just because others won't accept me. I see myself and I see a guy that would be the same, loving, supporting friend with big dreams, maybe I'd even forgive myself or find a loophole against my self hatred, but, that's just not my life.

that's just not my life.

 

[waqs]

repping stories are always painful to hear. i'm so sorry that you have to deal with that, i hope you can get the help you need. if you need resources to help further your transition (if you go through with it) then feel free to look into options such as DIY. But in the end it's your life to decide the next steps, no one elses. I hope all goes well for you in the future <3.

 

[loslassen]

repping stories are always painful to hear. i'm so sorry that you have to deal with that, i hope you can get the help you need. if you need resources to help further your transition (if you go through with it) then feel free to look into options such as DIY. But in the end it's your life to decide the next steps, no one elses. I hope all goes well for you in the future <3.

thank you I appreciate it

 

[Tired_birth_1967]

This subject is so delicate and so far removed from my reality that I'm even afraid to comment. But I've observed that people who have made this transition haven't always become happy. Even on this site, I've seen several accounts that lead me to think that. On the other hand, perhaps you need to try, and that's perfectly understandable. It's really very difficult to give an opinion. I sincerely wish you all the luck in the world. I perfectly understand that this must not be easy. First internally, and then for society. Know that there are still many human beings who are saddened by the countless sufferings that the human race has to endure simply for having been generated by this indifferent mechanism. Don't blame yourself for anything; in my view of this meaningless existence, we are mere disposable cogs. Within the few possibilities that exist in this pathetic process, there is still a need for adaptation. Life is a sad destiny.

 

[loslassen]

This subject is so delicate and so far removed from my reality that I'm even afraid to comment. But I've observed that people who have made this transition haven't always become happy. Even on this site, I've seen several accounts that lead me to think that. On the other hand, perhaps you need to try, and that's perfectly understandable. It's really very difficult to give an opinion. I sincerely wish you all the luck in the world. I perfectly understand that this must not be easy. First internally, and then for society. Know that there are still many human beings who are saddened by the countless sufferings that the human race has to endure simply for having been generated by this indifferent mechanism. Don't blame yourself for anything; in my view of this meaningless existence, we are mere disposable cogs. Within the few possibilities that exist in this pathetic process, there is still a need for adaptation. Life is a sad destiny.

aw man, thank you for your kind words, I understand your perspective as well, I can't deny that sometimes I believe I'm living a fantasy or I'm stuck doing mundane stuff to cope with the fact that in reality a lot of this might be somewhat meaningless due to how rigged and trapping the system is, our planet becoming inhabitable, an eternal fight of morals and values and never feeling truly seen. I try to avoid the topic because most of the time I spiral and I don't like to dwell with nihilism, but… I DO understand what you mean. I jus hope the answers will come to me with time, Im very upset at myself right now because I feel like this new realization might be a new addition to my reasons of suffering and self conflict and that it might worsen my depression…