I hope this hurts

[GhostInTheMachine]

Even though I know it's unlikely, I very much hope that if/when I CTB that it very much hurts my parents, who constantly claim to love me, but never are willing to put in the emotional effort to support me. I hope that every day after I go, they have to wallow in the "why oh why" feeling, even if they have no right to ask that question. I hope that it shortens their lifespans and makes the retirement miserable, and that they have to think of me every time they see things I once enjoyed. I don't even care if they continue to deadname/misgender me past that point, I will deprive them a body to bury so that don't even get the luxury of visiting my grave. I hope that I leave a massive hole in their heats for leaving one in mine.

I gave them every chance, they chose this.

 

[Lo$t95]

What does being trans feel like can I ask? Do you recognise yourself in the mirror or is it like surreal all the time like someone stole your body?

 

[MercenariesofMidgar]

I hope you can find joy within life... and live a life that beats how your shitty parents think of you. they can go fuck off. I'm rooting for you always. taht you can find community in those who appreciate you in who you are.

Also I peep the username/pfp... my pfp used to be matoko. GITS 2: Innocence is like my top 5 in movies

 

[Namelesa]

Thats a totally understandable feeling to have about parents who aren't supportive. As they forced you here, they are obligated to take care of you and emotionally support you through your problems but as they haven't, they are selfish scum. I understand the feeling of wanting them to suffer cus they caused your suffering to begin and made it even worse. I feel the same way with my parents cus of them creating me but also not allowing me to ctb at all and trap me home making me feel even worse so I want to punish my own parents with my own suicide too if I am able to do that.

 

[Freebandzgang]

Your parents brought you into this world and now they are a/the reason you want to leave it. That feeling must be awful. I hope you get the revenge you deserve.

 

[GhostInTheMachine]

What does being trans feel like can I ask? Do you recognise yourself in the mirror or is it like surreal all the time like someone stole your body?

It feels as if the body you operate in is filtered behind several layers of disconnection. Your movements don't feel right, your speaking doesn't feel like it's your own, your breathing doesn't feel right, your limbs feel disproportionate, all 5 of your sense feel skewed, and don't get me started on genitalia. Nothing about you feels like it's actually yours, so you kinda just autopilot through most of life because "you" don't really exist, "you" are just an agent of thought operating a machine that you never get the hang of, and as time goes on you lose more and more control as the machine you're piloting becomes even more disconnected from your mind.

Ironically enough, I would feel more at home having my mind transferred into a cybernetic body as at least then I can specify what my mind needs to best operate with. I would have no hang-ups about giving up the disgustingness of our flesh. When I look into a mirror I see a creature that my mind rejects as "me", and thoughts of outright destroying what is in front of me become stronger as the red mist of rage descends. All trans people have differant experiences, so I can only explain mine.

 

[Lo$t95]

It feels as if the body you operate in is filtered behind several layers of disconnection. Your movements don't feel right, your speaking doesn't feel like it's your own, your breathing doesn't feel right, your limbs feel disproportionate, all 5 of your sense feel skewed, and don't get me started on genitalia. Nothing about you feels like it's actually yours, so you kinda just autopilot through most of life because "you" don't really exist, "you" are just an agent of thought operating a machine that you never get the hang of, and as time goes on you lose more and more control as the machine you're piloting becomes even more disconnected from your mind.

Ironically enough, I would feel more at home having my mind transferred into a cybernetic body as at least then I can specify what my mind needs to best operate with. I would have no hang-ups about giving up the disgustingness of our flesh. When I look into a mirror I see a creature that my mind rejects as "me", and thoughts of outright destroying what is in front of me become stronger as the red mist of rage descends. All trans people have differant experiences, so I can only explain mine.

Sounds intense. I can't empathise because I can't relate to that but I can sympathise because you explained it so well.

Thanks for the answer. Sounds like you have life on hard difficulty for sure.

 

[GhostInTheMachine]

Thats a totally understandable feeling to have about parents who aren't supportive. As they forced you here, they are obligated to take care of you and emotionally support you through your problems but as they haven't, they are selfish scum. I understand the feeling of wanting them to suffer cus they caused your suffering to begin and made it even worse. I feel the same way with my parents cus of them creating me but also not allowing me to ctb at all and trap me home making me feel even worse so I want to punish my own parents with my own suicide too if I am able to do that.

I am so sorry you're trapped as you are, that feeling must be unbearable. I am privileged in being able to set myself free as soon as I muster the courage. My parents know that if they tried that with me it would end horrible for all of us.

Your parents brought you into this world and now they are a/the reason you want to leave it. That feeling must be awful. I hope you get the revenge you deserve.

One day soon, hopefully.

 

[L_n]

that must be awful to be treated that way. i hope you find joy in whatever you decide to do :]

 

[GhostInTheMachine]

I hope you can find joy within life... and live a life that beats how your shitty parents think of you. they can go fuck off. I'm rooting for you always. taht you can find community in those who appreciate you in who you are.

Also I peep the username/pfp... my pfp used to be matoko. GITS 2: Innocence is like my top 5 in movies

I am trying my best, I still have enough fight in me left to try and get away from them and go NC.

I very much relate with Motoko, I wish I could just be a cyborg like her.

 

[GhostInTheMachine]

that must be awful to be treated that way. i hope you find joy in whatever you decide to do :]

The light of my life is my boyfriend, who if not for him I doubt I'd be here today. If I lost him... Well, I have some bad ideas in my head.

 

[R. A.]

It feels as if the body you operate in is filtered behind several layers of disconnection. Your movements don't feel right, your speaking doesn't feel like it's your own, your breathing doesn't feel right, your limbs feel disproportionate, all 5 of your sense feel skewed, and don't get me started on genitalia. Nothing about you feels like it's actually yours, so you kinda just autopilot through most of life because "you" don't really exist, "you" are just an agent of thought operating a machine that you never get the hang of, and as time goes on you lose more and more control as the machine you're piloting becomes even more disconnected from your mind.

Ironically enough, I would feel more at home having my mind transferred into a cybernetic body as at least then I can specify what my mind needs to best operate with. I would have no hang-ups about giving up the disgustingness of our flesh. When I look into a mirror I see a creature that my mind rejects as "me", and thoughts of outright destroying what is in front of me become stronger as the red mist of rage descends. All trans people have differant experiences, so I can only explain mine.

of course it's just speculation - and ignore if too troubling a subject - but do you feel like if you'd been free to fully externalise and perform your desired gender growing up you'd feel this way now? in either versions of reality, do you feel like it'd be possible to be content with the body you have, and to what extent is the discontent internal vs external in origin (if that makes sense..)?

 

[alwayssearching202]

I'm genuinely sorry you haven't received the parental support you deserve—you have every right to feel hurt by that. But wishing pain or guilt on others, even those who've hurt you, isn't a sign of strength—it's a sign of unresolved pain and deep immaturity. I don't mean this to sound patronizing, but rather as someone who hopes you find a healthier way forward. I truly wish you the best, and I hope you find peace—not by seeing others suffer, but by healing or finding the infinite peace in a way that doesn't mirror the harm done to you.

 

[TheShadowQueen]

Same OP same they might not even care once they find out I'm trans tbh lol

Anyways though I got to admire the hate here it's top tier shit for real my type of hate S+ level Peak if you will

 

[GhostInTheMachine]

I'm genuinely sorry you haven't received the parental support you deserve—you have every right to feel hurt by that. But wishing pain or guilt on others, even those who've hurt you, isn't a sign of strength—it's a sign of unresolved pain and deep immaturity. I don't mean this to sound patronizing, but rather as someone who hopes you find a healthier way forward. I truly wish you the best, and I hope you find peace—not by seeing others suffer, but by healing or finding the infinite peace in a way that doesn't mirror the harm done to you.

I'm not interested in being the better person in this situation. I match kind with kind, and until they start trying to amend their wrongs, I see no reason to not spare them the grief.

of course it's just speculation - and ignore if too troubling a subject - but do you feel like if you'd been free to fully externalise and perform your desired gender growing up you'd feel this way now? in either versions of reality, do you feel like it'd be possible to be content with the body you have, and to what extent is the discontent internal vs external in origin (if that makes sense..)?

I likely would've been more at one with myself, but there are boundaries, both internal and external that would still hurt. I can't say if I would still be as suicidal as I am now, but I think it would've been easier. I suppose reduced pain is an improvement either way though.

 

[alwayssearching202]

I'm not interested in being the better person in this situation. I match kind with kind, and until they start trying to amend their wrongs, I see no reason to not spare them the grief.


I likely would've been more at one with myself, but there are boundaries, both internal and external that would still hurt. I can't say if I would still be as suicidal as I am now, but I think it would've been easier. I suppose reduced pain is an improvement either way though.

Continuing the cycle of pain is, of course, your choice. It definitely isn't about being the 'better person' for me. While I don't follow any specific belief system or afterlife doctrine, it's hard for me to believe that we just end up in the ground as worm food. I think there's something—karma, an afterlife, some kind of reckoning—and that's why I've chosen a different path that includes forgiveness and not wishing pain on those who have caused me SO MUCH. I'm not trying to rack up bad karma for the next twenty lifetimes. But ultimately, you have to do what feels right to you and aligns with your beliefs.

Again, I'm truly sorry you haven't had the support from family that you deserve. That's not fair, and it's not right.

 

[RadiantNumber]

Nobody loves no one, this is just big bullshit, people can brush off deaths of their friends and relatives