I have many reasons that make it that I definitely have to kill myself

[new.solution1]

The problem is, I'm starting to feel better in ways that are unrelated to these reasons. Because of this, I am constantly trying to convince myself that my reasons are not worth dying for, when in reality they consistently affect me in the same emotionally deep way that never changes. In fact, I feel worse about these problems as time goes on. Very awkward for me to CTB like this, because when I feel better, it does not feel right to do it, even though according to the logic behind my problems it is a sure thing.

If I am to face reality, I know I will have to CTB eventually. I will just have to deal with this awkward situation until I do it.

Feeling just a little bit better is something that is better than a gift from God because I'm feeling so bad, but I know that it's no use so when it does happen, I get agitated that it's going to make me wait to CTB. I know I can just simply CTB anyways, and this simple fact gives me some solace, but I feel that feeling better messes with the elusive feeling of "the right time" to do it.

 

[jodes2]

Well put. I feel the same I think. I have reasons to CTB but something's pulling me in the other direction too, is it SI? I don't know. I keep flipping between CTBing in the next year, or waiting a lot longer, it's making me question my desire to CTB even though I have plenty of reasons to go

 

[new.solution1]

Well put. I feel the same I think. I have reasons to CTB but something's pulling me in the other direction too, is it SI? I don't know. I keep flipping between CTBing in the next year, or waiting a lot longer, it's making me question my desire to CTB even though I have plenty of reasons to go

For me it's not SI that's a problem. Feeling better messes with my perception of reality because I've been gaslit by so many people that things will get better, so when I do feel better, but in a way that is unrelated to my problems, I start getting hopeful. Hopeful thinking patterns that I've dealt with many times before start taking hold that are not true, but my body and mind respond to them as if they are.

 

[jodes2]

For me it's not SI that's a problem. Feeling better messes with my perception of reality because I've been gaslit by so many people that things will get better, so when I do feel better, but in a way that is unrelated to my problems, I start getting hopeful. Hopeful thinking patterns that I've dealt with many times before start taking hold that are not true, but my body and mind respond to them as if they are.

Couldn't it be argued that it's a form of SI? Mind and body trying to correct suicidal thinking? Or maybe call it something else like a recovery mechanism

 

[new.solution1]

Writing right now is hard. I want to elaborate on my issues, but it feels like talking about them makes me think about them more later on, so I don't want to do it. At the same time, I want to talk. I can do things to distract myself, but everything feels so unrelated to what I'm going through, I just have an urge to talk specifically about my problems, in some way, even if it's general and indirect like I am now.

I'm enjoying the fact that suicide feels like the one thing I can do that makes a difference.

 

[Zegers]

If I am to face reality, I know I will have to CTB eventually. I will just have to deal with this awkward situation until I do it

Same, at some point i have to do it, nothing changes for the better, i think when your life hasn't improved in years the wise thing to do is leave.

 

[hellispink]

Sometimes it is so hard to let go of little things that make us feel alive somehow. I know I am soon to do it. But it is hard to let go of doubts. Your feelings are valid. Wishing you the best.

 

[FuneralCry]

It does sound like a difficult situation to be in. I guess that in a life like this there is no real relief from our problems. Best wishes.

 

[Hangnail]

Yeah I'm in a similar boat. I started my graduate studies and I'm excited, but every time I remember how I look, and how my social life and future are ruined, my outlook dims again.