Venting I have a quiet self contempt about myself

[Painless_end]

I know it would sound like self-hating but I do really not usually feel like crying and being emotional about wanting to CTB

I feel a quiet hatred for my own incompetence in living a productive life and my inability to take my own life due to lack of mental processes that can support me in executing such a decision. But I don't let on to others how much I hate myself.

I know my own mental limitations deeply and they frustrate me endlessly

I am always stuck on "being suicidal" without actually committing to it

 

[RockBot]

You'd be surprised as to how many people feel and think exactly as you do. You've put it as succinctly as anyone else could. You are not alone, that's for sure.

 

[thats_a_wrap]

Yeah this is similar to how I feel. I hope/ know deep down that eventually something will happen to push me over the edge. Meanwhile my life is falling apart, so the sooner the better.

 

[logan]

If you hate yourself because you don't think you are productive, then you just haven't found the right job for you.
A housewife or mother is not productive in the eyes of many, but she still makes an important contribution.
Our society puts a lot of pressure on us.
And as long as you hate yourself, you will always have problems with other people and in relationships.

 

[Painless_end]

If you hate yourself because you don't think you are productive, then you just haven't found the right job for you.
A housewife or mother is not productive in the eyes of many, but she still makes an important contribution.
Our society puts a lot of pressure on us.
And as long as you hate yourself, you will always have problems with other people and in relationships.

You are technically correct, but you don't know my mental cliffs

I do not "want" to hate myself. I just have deep mental cliffs that make non-functional

Think like this, for normal people their mind is like a plateau (flat) or a mountain (ascending) or a descent (descending) sometimes. They may have difficulty in traversing the terrain but they eventually get there, somewhere.

My mind is a plateau followed straight up by cliffs. The only way to survive is to call for help. But that help, is often putting me right at the back at the start of plateau which eventually leads to a cliff.

I am not complaining but just expressing my terminal limitations.

The worst part is because my limitations are in the mind, no amount of positivity or pep talk actually helps me. I just am what I am, it's a kind of a mental structure that is not changeable.

You may wonder how I survived this far then, well it's a combination of several things, all of which are supposed to eventually let me become mentally independent so I can fly and take my own decisions and accept consequences. Sadly, that will not happen in the bigger picture way because my mind will always be like a limp leg that requires too many crutches.

I hope I am making some sense, I don't know if I am.

 

[logan]

Then the only way is to mentally "reprogram" yourself in some areas. This is difficult and costs a lot of energy - but it is worth a try.

 

[FuneralCry]

I think I will probably always be stuck in the 'being suicidal' stage. Even know I have wanted not to exist for a long time, it requires courage, planning to go right and suppressing the survival instinct. This life really can be cruel and our thoughts can torture us.

 

[WornOutLife]

I can relate because I tend to feel like that.
However, the UPS of my bipolar disorder, somehow help me to keep on going! (The downs can be hell, though)

Hugs,

Matt