Venting I feel so much resentment over my existence

[HopelessBread]

I wish I hadn't been born. Why do I have to exist? I didn't ask for this shit, I shouldn't have to suffer. I hear people say "you can't get consent from something that doesn't exist" but I don't think they ever stopped to consider that might be a reason you don't fucking force people into existence? If a person isn't in a position to give or refuse consent because they don't exist, how does that justify forcing them into existence? It doesn't make any sense to me, just don't fucking do it. I feel like I fundamentally do not understand the words of others, and I fucking hate how stupid it makes me feel. I am the dumbest human being on the planet, I can't understand fucking anything at all.

I'm not in a position to actually kill myself, despite how badly I want to, I don't have the means to obtain a reliable method of CTB. Every package I get is scanned by my mother and I would get caught immediately, and the materials I have access to would not guarantee success, meaning I would certainly fail and leave myself in an even worse position. So I decided to try and engage in something I could enjoy, that being drawing.

I like drawing, it's fun, at least it was until I decided to try and practice. I want to learn to draw. I don't have big goals, I just want to be able to draw cute anime girls, I don't really care to become a master artist, I don't care for complex shading and lighting, I don't care to spend 2 weeks adding the tiniest of details to make some masterpiece, I just want my anime girls to look cute, and to feel as though they actually exist in whatever space I put them in, nothing more. Trying to learn to draw was a fucking mistake, I can't enjoy drawing anymore. All the books, courses, resources I've used, I don't understand a fucking word of them. Over 4 god damn years of my life and I've gotten literally nowhere, I am no better than I was when I first started. I can't learn, I just can't. I've spent so much time actively, genuinely trying my absolute hardest to learn to draw. I tried to study the fundamentals, I did art studies, I focused and tried and observe, I pushed myself far beyond what I thought I was capable of with my unmedicated ADHD, and it was for fucking nothing. I have not learned a single god damn thing, and I don't know what to do anymore, and I have nowhere to go to get help.

Every art community is the same fucking thing. "You're not trying hard enough" "You just want it to be easy and you don't want to put the work in" "You need to practice and study" "It's not something you can learn in only a few months" I don't know how to communicate to people that I've genuinely tried, that I've genuinely put in the effort people say you need to, and I hate it so much. Learning art is so fucking overwhelming, I've been so lost and confused the entire time. Fundamentals change depending on who's telling you what they are, courses and books just sound like complete nonsense to me, I'm constantly hearing that I need to spend time just drawing what I want while at the same time being told that I need to learn to draw realistic people before I get to draw what I want. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to proceed, and any time I try and seek help I'm just looked at like I'm fucking lazy and trying to take a shortcut, when all I want is for my effort to finally fucking pay off, even slightly.

I'm just not capable of it. I've done the fucking stupid 250 box challenge, I've gone through a couple popular courses, I've read through popular and highly recommended books, not a single god damn thing helped me in any capacity. I even made sure to spend a lot of my time just drawing. I followed the recommendations, I did what people say, and it just doesn't fucking work. I just fucking can't do it. I can't learn, I never will learn, and I fucking hate it so much. All I ended up with is pure misery and despair whenever I try and draw, knowing the last 4 years of effort was for fucking nothing. If I hadn't tried at all I would still be able to have fun. I used to be bullied a lot when I tried to draw as a kid, because I was absolutely atrocious at it. It made me hate art for a while, and I stopped drawing because of it, but I eventually gave it another shot and found it to be fun. Everyone was right. I am a shit artist. I should just give up. They should have bullied me harder. They should have killed me so that I wouldn't develop enough of an ego to think it was a good idea to try again. I miss when I enjoyed drawing.

It's the same story for anything I enjoy. I find something that brings me some modicum of joy, I sometimes even start to think that maybe living isn't so bad, and I'm fucking hit with a metaphorical sledgehammer, just to remind me that I'm a useless piece of shit who shouldn't have dared to exist in the first place, despite my lack of choice in the matter. I often wonder if I would want to live if my problems were solved. If I just had a bit more intelligence, enough money to not get a fucking job, not having to age so my body doesn't deteriorate in my late 20s, a body that doesn't make me feel nauseous when I look at myself in the mirror, not having ADHD and OCD, maybe not having autism but I don't know if that's really causing me any issues or not. If I could just solve my issues, would I be happy? Would life be worth living? I know it's a pointless question, I'll never be fortunate enough for even one of these to come true. I'll just continue to suffer, continue to deteriorate, wasting away every second of free time I have chasing an unobtainable goal because I can do nothing else.

What did I do wrong to deserve to exist? All life has been is torture and suffering. There is no meaning to suffering, and I hate it when people try and pretend like it does. It's pointless. There's no reason it needs to exist, but it still fucking does, and as long as it continues to exist, I'm going to resent the fact that I'm forced to go through it. It's fucking bullshit that someone can just decide I should exist, and now I'm forced to suffer, and somehow it's wrong when I'm mad about that? Existence isn't a privilege, it's a fucking curse, one that I didn't ask to go through, and it's not wrong of me to resent that. It almost feels cultish to me. Society views it as a good thing to suffer, that I should be grateful to suffer. Nobody cares to do anything to alleviate suffering, and those who try to help others are scorned for it. Those who try and minimize their own suffering are treated as vile and disgusting monsters. It feels as though society wants other people to suffer as a sort of revenge for their own suffering, not realizing the only way to break free of this is to just stop fucking forcing others into existence.

The only reprieve I will ever have is the depths of my mind, where I can just fantasize and daydream about a life that isn't pure unending torture and misery, hoping that someday I'll either be lucky enough to die or somehow finally get to experience a life I wouldn't hate living. I wish I hadn't been born, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive my parents for forcing me into this hell. Existence is proof to me that God isn't real, because a loving god would never make a world like this.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

I understand the resentment you feel completely. As far as I'm concerned, after all the trauma I've been through in my life, it would've been best if I too had never been born. The way I see it, creating a new life that you can't get consent from beforehand is similar to having sex with a passed out drunk person. In both cases, you can't get consent from them, but to do it anyway is an act of violence. It may be a different kind of violence in those examples but still, it's violence.

This is why I am an antinatalist and I get so disgusted with people who procreate, especially my parents. To me, they are nothing but breeders. Some days I wish my mother would've died in a car crash when she was pregnant with me, or had never gotten pregnant at all. I can honestly say that in my case for sure, my parents brought me into the world for self serving reasons. If God exists and he played a hand in the process, then to me he is just an accomplice to their cruelty.

While I do have hobbies I like that give me some relief from the misery of my existence, they can't make up for all the suffering I have experienced. As far as I'm concerned, people who think suffering is a great thing to impose on someone else are either masochists who enjoy their own suffering, or they are sadists who get off on the suffering of others.

I'm sorry you weren't able to make the progress you wanted when it comes to creating the art you wanted to make. Even though I have through many, many years of practice gotten good at some things, it was only after practicing for LITERALLY my entire life, but all it did was provide me with an outlet to express myself in the form of writing stories and creating fictional characters who understand where I'm coming from and say the things I wish I could say but in their own words.

I also want to say that you aren't all that dumb so please don't put yourself down when there's no reason to. You figured out things on your own that the majority of people either never understand (such as the whole lack of consent when creating a life that will suffer example), or they understand but don't care which makes them evil to me.

 

[Passenger4224]

Do you feel any resentment toward your parents?

You don't have any CTB method available?

 

[HopelessBread]

Do you feel any resentment toward your parents?

You don't have any CTB method available?

I do feel resentment towards them. I love them and I care about them, but I do feel a lot of resentment towards them.

I do not have any CTB methods available to me. At best I could attempt it, but the few things I could use for an attempt would likely result in failure, and failure would only make it harder for me on subsequent attempts, or result in severe injury which would only make things worse for me.

 

[bagel12]

I wish I hadn't been born. Why do I have to exist? I didn't ask for this shit, I shouldn't have to suffer. I hear people say "you can't get consent from something that doesn't exist" but I don't think they ever stopped to consider that might be a reason you don't fucking force people into existence? If a person isn't in a position to give or refuse consent because they don't exist, how does that justify forcing them into existence? It doesn't make any sense to me, just don't fucking do it. I feel like I fundamentally do not understand the words of others, and I fucking hate how stupid it makes me feel. I am the dumbest human being on the planet, I can't understand fucking anything at all.

I'm not in a position to actually kill myself, despite how badly I want to, I don't have the means to obtain a reliable method of CTB. Every package I get is scanned by my mother and I would get caught immediately, and the materials I have access to would not guarantee success, meaning I would certainly fail and leave myself in an even worse position. So I decided to try and engage in something I could enjoy, that being drawing.

I like drawing, it's fun, at least it was until I decided to try and practice. I want to learn to draw. I don't have big goals, I just want to be able to draw cute anime girls, I don't really care to become a master artist, I don't care for complex shading and lighting, I don't care to spend 2 weeks adding the tiniest of details to make some masterpiece, I just want my anime girls to look cute, and to feel as though they actually exist in whatever space I put them in, nothing more. Trying to learn to draw was a fucking mistake, I can't enjoy drawing anymore. All the books, courses, resources I've used, I don't understand a fucking word of them. Over 4 god damn years of my life and I've gotten literally nowhere, I am no better than I was when I first started. I can't learn, I just can't. I've spent so much time actively, genuinely trying my absolute hardest to learn to draw. I tried to study the fundamentals, I did art studies, I focused and tried and observe, I pushed myself far beyond what I thought I was capable of with my unmedicated ADHD, and it was for fucking nothing. I have not learned a single god damn thing, and I don't know what to do anymore, and I have nowhere to go to get help.

Every art community is the same fucking thing. "You're not trying hard enough" "You just want it to be easy and you don't want to put the work in" "You need to practice and study" "It's not something you can learn in only a few months" I don't know how to communicate to people that I've genuinely tried, that I've genuinely put in the effort people say you need to, and I hate it so much. Learning art is so fucking overwhelming, I've been so lost and confused the entire time. Fundamentals change depending on who's telling you what they are, courses and books just sound like complete nonsense to me, I'm constantly hearing that I need to spend time just drawing what I want while at the same time being told that I need to learn to draw realistic people before I get to draw what I want. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to proceed, and any time I try and seek help I'm just looked at like I'm fucking lazy and trying to take a shortcut, when all I want is for my effort to finally fucking pay off, even slightly.

I'm just not capable of it. I've done the fucking stupid 250 box challenge, I've gone through a couple popular courses, I've read through popular and highly recommended books, not a single god damn thing helped me in any capacity. I even made sure to spend a lot of my time just drawing. I followed the recommendations, I did what people say, and it just doesn't fucking work. I just fucking can't do it. I can't learn, I never will learn, and I fucking hate it so much. All I ended up with is pure misery and despair whenever I try and draw, knowing the last 4 years of effort was for fucking nothing. If I hadn't tried at all I would still be able to have fun. I used to be bullied a lot when I tried to draw as a kid, because I was absolutely atrocious at it. It made me hate art for a while, and I stopped drawing because of it, but I eventually gave it another shot and found it to be fun. Everyone was right. I am a shit artist. I should just give up. They should have bullied me harder. They should have killed me so that I wouldn't develop enough of an ego to think it was a good idea to try again. I miss when I enjoyed drawing.

It's the same story for anything I enjoy. I find something that brings me some modicum of joy, I sometimes even start to think that maybe living isn't so bad, and I'm fucking hit with a metaphorical sledgehammer, just to remind me that I'm a useless piece of shit who shouldn't have dared to exist in the first place, despite my lack of choice in the matter. I often wonder if I would want to live if my problems were solved. If I just had a bit more intelligence, enough money to not get a fucking job, not having to age so my body doesn't deteriorate in my late 20s, a body that doesn't make me feel nauseous when I look at myself in the mirror, not having ADHD and OCD, maybe not having autism but I don't know if that's really causing me any issues or not. If I could just solve my issues, would I be happy? Would life be worth living? I know it's a pointless question, I'll never be fortunate enough for even one of these to come true. I'll just continue to suffer, continue to deteriorate, wasting away every second of free time I have chasing an unobtainable goal because I can do nothing else.

What did I do wrong to deserve to exist? All life has been is torture and suffering. There is no meaning to suffering, and I hate it when people try and pretend like it does. It's pointless. There's no reason it needs to exist, but it still fucking does, and as long as it continues to exist, I'm going to resent the fact that I'm forced to go through it. It's fucking bullshit that someone can just decide I should exist, and now I'm forced to suffer, and somehow it's wrong when I'm mad about that? Existence isn't a privilege, it's a fucking curse, one that I didn't ask to go through, and it's not wrong of me to resent that. It almost feels cultish to me. Society views it as a good thing to suffer, that I should be grateful to suffer. Nobody cares to do anything to alleviate suffering, and those who try to help others are scorned for it. Those who try and minimize their own suffering are treated as vile and disgusting monsters. It feels as though society wants other people to suffer as a sort of revenge for their own suffering, not realizing the only way to break free of this is to just stop fucking forcing others into existence.

The only reprieve I will ever have is the depths of my mind, where I can just fantasize and daydream about a life that isn't pure unending torture and misery, hoping that someday I'll either be lucky enough to die or somehow finally get to experience a life I wouldn't hate living. I wish I hadn't been born, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive my parents for forcing me into this hell. Existence is proof to me that God isn't real, because a loving god would never make a world like this.

ive always been horrible at drawing no matter how hard i try to improve, like in elementary school i was always so much worse at it than everyone else. i just never got the hang of it. i used to be very upset that i wasnt "good" at it.

but i realized, im drawing for myself, as a hobby that makes me happy. i dont need other people to think it looks good. it's just a way for me to express myself, occupy my mind, and have fun. for me, trying to get better takes all the fun out of it and makes it a miserable chore. so i let go of the need to improve, and it made it more enjoyable.

when you ask art communities for advice, you're asking for help from people who started out with the natural talent of drawing. their advice never helped me. if i wanted advice on improving my drawing, id ask someone who had the same difficulties i do. like for my issues, i'd ask for advice from an artist with no ability to visualize, bad spatial awareness, and poor fine motor control lol

lastly, have you tried other forms of art? i really enjoy photography.

 

[HopelessBread]

ive always been horrible at drawing no matter how hard i try to improve, like in elementary school i was always so much worse at it than everyone else. i just never got the hang of it. i used to be very upset that i wasnt "good" at it.

but i realized, im drawing for myself, as a hobby that makes me happy. i dont need other people to think it looks good. it's just a way for me to express myself, occupy my mind, and have fun. for me, trying to get better takes all the fun out of it and makes it a miserable chore. so i let go of the need to improve, and it made it more enjoyable.

when you ask art communities for advice, you're asking for help from people who started out with the natural talent of drawing. their advice never helped me. if i wanted advice on improving my drawing, id ask someone who had the same difficulties i do. like for my issues, i'd ask for advice from an artist with no ability to visualize, bad spatial awareness, and poor fine motor control lol

lastly, have you tried other forms of art? i really enjoy photography.

I should try letting go of the need to improve, I've never been good at letting go of things, but I think it would be for the best. My only motivation to improve is that my art isn't conveying what I want it to, I find it too stressful to share my art so I've only ever focused on how I would personally see it, and it's not really where I want it to be yet. Regardless of my motive, trying to improve has only hurt me in the end. I really miss enjoying art.

It never occurred to me that the people I've sought advice from had natural talent. It may help if I sought advice from someone more similar to myself, though I would need to work out exactly why I'm struggling so much.

Thank you for the advice, I really appreciate it.

I have tried other forms of art, or at least what I personally consider art. I like to animate things with Blender, or making small movies with Garry's Mod. I've wanted to try photography for a long time, since I think it's really cool, but I'm unable to leave my room a lot of the time, so I don't have much to take pictures of unfortunately.