NSFW real intimacy is too fucking complicated

[animzuk]

hello all

i am left to simmer here alone with my thoughts again because fuck knows i will never get to just fucking sleep with someone. as in, fall asleep beside a warm body. fall asleep in someone's arms and wake up with them still around me. literally anything that isn't dependent on sex. i want to not have to leave in the morning. i want to be wanted as more than holes. but that's a fucking stupid ideal when i literally market myself as holes. fucking dating apps are a curse. they really enable my maladaptive coping mehanisms. that's why i'm on so many i guess.

i have hookups. i have so many hookups. like i am genuinely and unambiguously a total slut. my mom tells me that every time she calls, but that's one of the few things she's right about. i'll spread my legs for anyone. it's easier that way.

because whenever someone actually does manage to get close, i end up either withdrawing completely or blowing it all up myself before something else can. if someone knows me long enough to learn the version of me that isn't performing for the night, that means they're close enough for me to hurt. they didn't sign up for my stupid breakdowns and spirals and self-harm and suicide attempts. and sooner or later it'll just end up with them finding me and driving me to the hospital and then i'll have to wake up in that fluorescent fucking torture chamber where they label me as a man because they've had my chart for so many years that they're probably just annoyed when the sad emo twink that thinks he's a girl is wheeled through those fucking doors once again. and then i see the person who saved me, and i see how much i hurt them, and THAT is the unbearable part. trying to die is easy and safe and comforting. waking up to the pain i have directly inflicted on others always makes me want to die all over again. it's a never-ending cycle and i hate how inevitable and unstoppable it feels.

plus there's the trans layer. if all i'll ever be is a fetish to these people, i might as well learn to fucking accept it. even if it makes me want to die as soon as i'm alone. even if it makes me spend the night cutting myself instead of sleeping beside a human being.

the self-harm is another thing that sucks when intersecting with the hypersexuality. it fucking sucks trying to navigate sleeves while fucking. especially now that i've been on estrogen long enough to have started growing tits. i want to show those off, since they're literally the one part of my body that i don't want to break apart into a million pieces and incinerate. i have to either keep a damn shirt on, or add disclosing the scars and bandages to the whole event of also disclosing i'm trans beforehand. which is always a necessity, because waiting until i'm alone with the other person to let them know i'm not the real girl they're hoping for has led to some very very bad consequences in the past.

currently sulking and moping and drowning in all of this because i had a hookup earlier tonight and it was nice (even though he was a total chaser and only wanted me for his dehumanizing chicks-with-dicks fantasy, which i fully knew and accepted because hey at least he fucks good) and now he's gone and i'm alone and the constant background hum of "i want to die" always gets so much louder in these moments and i know i'm not gonna act on it because i'll absolutely fail if i try something impulsive and stupid without planning it out but. god that noise is fucking loud.

 

[eggsausagerice]

i am left to simmer here alone with my thoughts again because fuck knows i will never get to just fucking sleep with someone. as in, fall asleep beside a warm body. fall asleep in someone's arms and wake up with them still around me. literally anything that isn't dependent on sex. i want to not have to leave in the morning. i want to be wanted as more than holes. but that's a fucking stupid ideal when i literally market myself as holes. fucking dating apps are a curse. they really enable my maladaptive coping mehanisms. that's why i'm on so many i guess. because whenever someone actually does manage to get close, i end up either withdrawing completely or blowing it all up myself before something else can. if someone knows me long enough to learn the version of me that isn't performing for the night, that means they're close enough for me to hurt. they didn't sign up for my stupid breakdowns and spirals and self-harm and suicide attempts.

earlier today i was thinking, "i want to be beautiful". i was watching porn to dissociate and i saw this pretty girl, but i'm not really attracted to women sexually. i just think women are so beautiful and that if i wasn't transmasc, i would want to be a woman that wears pretty dresses, has a soft voice, and has a het boyfriend. that's what my life would've been like if i wasn't trans. it's painful sometimes. cis women always think i'm a woman too, and i don't correct them because i don't want to make them uncomfortable. i could detransition, but that's just not how my brain works. the chasers that want to have sex with me are the same as the straight men that would have sex with me if i detransitioned, but the straight men wouldn't know that i detransitioned just so that i could have a monogamous relationship instead of just be another hookup for someone. the thought of being loved for real makes me cry. i hate the thought of my friends leaving me when they find partners because i'm so alone. i hate when someone talks about a new crush or someone they're dating. i can't actually be happy for them because i've never felt like i could be loved back by anyone.

i'm commenting to say i relate and not to talk over you. the biggest issue i have with venting online or irl is that people always want to assume who i am, what i think, or that i'm looking for someone to comfort me and tell me to take care of myself. i think out of my 2 trans friends i have, i'm a significantly negative and depressive person in a way they can't really understand. the biggest the difference between me and them is that they feel like they can actually be loved and be friends with people without being a burden, but i've felt like a burden and disposable since i was young #groomingvictim #neglectfulparentsthatwantedtoabortme.

i've had hookups on grindr get worried about me when i would talk about wanting to kill myself or feeling really alone in the world. i don't tell anyone in my friend group about being depressed, because i just really don't want the "don't kill yourself, you matter" talk when it's just what they're supposed to say. it kind of slips out when i'm close with someone and i stop being able to mask around them. i've gotten into multiple arguments about how i'm pushing that care about me away because i'm scared they'll leave me. it's just a pattern for me. i don't want to be loved and i don't want to be close to people if i'm just going to try to find a way to fuck it up and make them leave me or block them when i think they care about me too much. i stopped wanting to hook up with people as often as i used to because i feel bad at the thought that someone might want to get close to me when everything about me is wrong and i'm always on the verge of killing myself. i've also avoided making online friends and irl friends so that i don't cause them grief later through me killing myself.

currently sulking and moping and drowning in all of this because i had a hookup earlier tonight and it was nice (even though he was a total chaser and only wanted me for his dehumanizing chicks-with-dicks fantasy, which i fully knew and accepted because hey at least he fucks good) and now he's gone and i'm alone and the constant background hum of "i want to die" always gets so much louder in these moments and i know i'm not gonna act on it because i'll absolutely fail if i try something impulsive and stupid without planning it out but.

the worst part of hooking up with someone is being alone afterwards. i hold a deep hatred for chasers despite how lonely i am, because i just hate straight men that think i'm a novelty and want to call me a girl while we're having sex because they only have sex with girls. i still think about hooking up just for human contact and vent about how isolated i've been leading up to my suicide, but most men are repulsive to me even though i'm gay because i experience so much misogyny as a trans man. since i'm not hooking up, i don't really feel like i exist. i think other hypersexual people might understand what i mean, but regular people are like, "why do you need sex to feel like you're a human being??? you're fine!!". i just relied/still rely on a lot on my body and how many people wanted to have sex with me as a measure for if i was human or loved, and since i'm not having sex, i feel like i'm not even alive. i don't know if it's body dysmorphia, gender dysphoria, or bpd. i just don't feel like a person if i don't have sex, so i always feel subhuman in the back of my mind because no one's choosing me.