I feel like such a faker.

[CTBsteve]

I want to ctb but I feel like a fraud cause in reality I wouldn't want to if I was happy. I guess that's kind of convoluted but I just don't think it's possible for me to be content. I just want friends and to feel valued but I avoid people cause the scare me I hate being perceived. I feel like such a bad person cause I don't want to put in the effort I just wish I could have someone take care of me and make me feel valued, I'm just self centered I guess cause I know these things require effort but it would be so much easier to ctb

 

[Carrot]

I don't think you should think of yourself as a fraud.

If the choice was:
Have a decent life without some of the problems you have VS Commit suicide

I'd pick the first option too. But we can't, maybe because the cost is high or it is straight up impossible for whatever reasons.


The choice is:
Live a miserable life VS Commit suicide

I guess many of us prefer to live a miserable life instead of commiting suicide, which might not work, might be painful, difficult.
Many of us prefer living a miserable life over CTB. Sometimes it's worse, sometimes it's less bad, sometimes it's hard enough to attempt.
CBT is not an easy thing to do, even if you really want to. We are stuck in a limbo.


Many would instantly cease to exist instantly if it was possible, or if assisted suicide was possible.

I know I will just order SN at some point, prepare it correctly, and down it as fast as possible. I how it works and I hope it will still be easily accessible when I will be able to order it safely. My other option is alcohol + taping my face. My worst option is taping my face + jumping off a bridge.

 

[citruslynx]

I think I relate a little bit. I want friends and I want connection and to be someone's priority but at the same time I don't want it at all because its too much work and obligations and commitment is scary to me... I'm fucked!

 

[CTBsteve]

I think I relate a little bit. I want friends and I want connection and to be someone's priority but at the same time I don't want it at all because its too much work and obligations and commitment is scary to me... I'm fucked!

That's really how I feel. It's scary to be vulnerable and let people in but I want someone to tell me I'm okay and just take care of me, I look at it in such a toxic way though I feel. A romanticized version of codependency

 

[Worndown]

If life was all puppies and sunshine, this site would not exist.
Everyone came here for a reason. We can view anothers reason as strong or weak, but it is still their reason.
The only "fake" people are the trolls that sometimes come out from under the bridge.

 

[CTBsteve]

If life was all puppies and sunshine, this site would not exist.
Everyone came here for a reason. We can view anothers reason as strong or weak, but it is still their reason.
The only "fake" people are the trolls that sometimes come out from under the bridge.

Thank you for being so kind to me.