Venting I feel like a terrible girlfriend

[PenguinsAreCool]

I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 4 years, and we generally don't have any major fights or arguments. He loves me a lot, and has helped me throughout my depression and has been really supportive and loving.
But I feel like I barely return that love and affection. I'm so busy feeling sorry for myself that I sometimes can't and don't help when he, himself, is in a bind. I get irritared easily, go non-verbal, kick and throw tantrums just like a kid. I'm childish, still play with my plush dolls and sit around the house doing nothing except play games. And I never understand how he can just deal with all of it, how he can deal with all of me.
I feel like I don't deserve the love he gives me, and that I'm just better off dead. I hate my depression and anxiety, I hate my ADHD, I hate how I am and I hate how I can't seem to get any better.
I feel like a failure of a girlfriend, and I wish he would leave me for someone who would treat him like he treats me. With actual effort and love, instead of half-assed effort put in by a fat, selfish freak.
And maybe then I'd finally be able to leave this world. Finally be able to move on without anyone keeping me here.

 

[tonicer]

He sounds like a really nice guy who genuinely loves you. Some guys like women who act a bit childish now and then. I for example see it as a sign of youthfulness. I do a little of it myself even though i am 40+ I for example put of socks with different colors on purpose to express myself a bit and feel a bit younger by being a bit silly. Don't beat yourself up over this.

 

[FF777]

my advice for arguments: the cause of a lot of arguments is that one person starts doing some thing that the other one doesn't fully understand, and so then they get upset and they can end up bottling their feelings and pouting and not being very communitative any more.. but when you are in a disagreement you actually need to communicate MORE than usual so you can find out exactly what the problem is.. because chances are neither of them just randomly decided "hey i think i'll piss off my significant other for no reason".. there is a reason!.. and so you guys need to communicate and get to the bottom of it and find out what it is.. And if a decision he is making is some thing you disagree with then you need to tell him how you feel about it so he doesn't have to be psychic and wonder why you are pouting again..

i used to pout really bad a long time ago, but over the years i learned that it ended up making things worse.. it took a long time and a lot of effort to change my self in to what i am today.. you have to catch your self in the heat of the moment and think "is this about to make things worse and i'm going to end up regretting it later?"..

also some times things aren't as big of a deal as they seem at the time.. like is what ever the argument is about really going to matter in a week or a month from now?..

as far as being childish, it really depends on if it is in a good way or bad way...... if it is yelling and throwing a tamtrum then that's not really a good way.. but for things like just keeping your inner child alive then i think that's cool personally.. even until she died in 2025 at the age of 68 my mom kept watching animated movies like the minions stuff (and lots of others, and i watched a lot of them with her) and she liked cute plushies and played games on her 3DS like zelda and dragon quest 8 etc..

and i'm like a 44-year-old male now (which feels ancient to me (one reason i want off this planet very soon)) and i'm still playing zelda and mario and fantasy life (you should try fantasy life on switch1/switch2 by the way, that game is extremely epic) and lots of other games and i don't care what any one thinks about it because that just gives up my own autonomy to other people's judgement, but who are they to tell me how i should run my life?.. i'm using some pink anime girl for my profile picture and don't give the slightest care what people think about it.. they can deal..

but any way, some times you kind of have to keep your mind on the bigger picture and zoom out and decide which course you want things to go in.. you guys should kind of work as a team to where you help and support each other out.. and yeah, give him some attention or affection some times if he is lacking of it.. and play some games together if you guys don't already.. it bonds people together pretty well when they have a shared project/goal they are actively working towards, and when you don't have a project/goal like that to work towards in real life yet, games can provide kind of a quick solution to have some little thing you guys are both working on together..

 

[satanisyourmaster]

Try to put yourself more out there, if you're isolating yourself with games, then that's probably why you feel stuck in a routine of getting serotonin from gaming rather than the world around you. Tell him about your feelings, of feeling stuck in a loop and how your disorders affect you. Genuinely, cut down on instant serotonin and dopamine. Shut down you PC/console for a week and see how it makes you feel.

Get better for YOURSELF and no one else. If you need meds, that's ok. If you're struggling staying away from games or whatever, that's ok. Just make changes for YOURSELF. You have a community to back you up, just focus on getting your own needs met. Ik it's super annoying hearing "eat and sleep enough, go outside" etc but it really helps as long as you balance everything; refer to your own needs. You're not the first nor last person to feel like this, but that doesn't invalidate your struggles You got it!

 

[Jamesun]

I understand, I'm going through the same thing. She genuinely loves me and envisions a life with me, but only I believe I don't deserve her and that I should meet someone who doesn't want to die.