chapitaupe
New Member
- Jun 7, 2026
- 4
Hi, first I want to apologize because I'm a french speaking person, and even if I have a good level in english, it's the first time I write in those kinds of forums, so I hope I'll be understandable (even tho I don't expect any answers, I'm just here to get things off my chest).
Ok so basically, 2 people (at least that I'm aware of) in my family have comitted: my cousin (about 12 years ago I think?), and my grandfather (my dad's father, almost 40 years ago when my dad was 25). I know mental illness kinda runs in both sides of my family (and I wasn't spared lol). Personally, I've been feeling depressed for more than 10 years and I've always felt the need to disappear, at first not necessarily CTB, but this idea has been growing more and more in my mind as the years passed. Last october I had that kind of revelation on a method (basically hanging myself to my door with a belt), since I've had that idea i've felt at peace because I finally had a technique after years of wanting to die but not knowing how (I ended up not doing it because a family member died shortly after, and I didn't want to inflict another death to them).
But I still really want to CTB. I feel deeply uncomfortable with the idea of living, it's been years since I've realised that my existence is useless and it will never get better. A few months ago I kinda wanted to test the method I mentioned with the belt, I was in place and I just could've made a move to end it all (hopefully?) but I just couldn't, and I still hate myself for it.
I think one of the only reason that's keeping me alive is the fact that my dad already lost his father to suicide, and I feel horrible for inflicting that to him once again. But I'm so miserable, I'm even considering SN that I discovered thanks to this forum, but idk. Imagining my dad discovering me just breaks my heart. I'm completely lost.
Ok so basically, 2 people (at least that I'm aware of) in my family have comitted: my cousin (about 12 years ago I think?), and my grandfather (my dad's father, almost 40 years ago when my dad was 25). I know mental illness kinda runs in both sides of my family (and I wasn't spared lol). Personally, I've been feeling depressed for more than 10 years and I've always felt the need to disappear, at first not necessarily CTB, but this idea has been growing more and more in my mind as the years passed. Last october I had that kind of revelation on a method (basically hanging myself to my door with a belt), since I've had that idea i've felt at peace because I finally had a technique after years of wanting to die but not knowing how (I ended up not doing it because a family member died shortly after, and I didn't want to inflict another death to them).
But I still really want to CTB. I feel deeply uncomfortable with the idea of living, it's been years since I've realised that my existence is useless and it will never get better. A few months ago I kinda wanted to test the method I mentioned with the belt, I was in place and I just could've made a move to end it all (hopefully?) but I just couldn't, and I still hate myself for it.
I think one of the only reason that's keeping me alive is the fact that my dad already lost his father to suicide, and I feel horrible for inflicting that to him once again. But I'm so miserable, I'm even considering SN that I discovered thanks to this forum, but idk. Imagining my dad discovering me just breaks my heart. I'm completely lost.
