I feel horrible knowing how much my suicide is going to hurt my loved ones

[Spite]

I'm so torn between whether I should 'exit' or not.

I can't help but feel horrible for even thinking about throwing my life away. I'm stuck in this predicament where my life is almost unbearable and I want to leave... but I feel like I can't. I can't bring myself to hurt the people who care about me. My suicide would absolutely devastate my mother, my grandparents, my siblings, my wife, and the few online friends I have. It's like... I'm only living for them. The guilt I feel about how much my suicide is going to hurt the people who love and care about me is one of the main reasons why I haven't done it yet.

I don't want to spend the next 40+ years being a wageslave.

I don't want to continue living life with autism. Having autism feels like a curse. I hate it.

I don't like this world. I don't like this life. This life feels like a prison. I dread waking up every day. I wish I could end it all...

...but my loved ones do not deserve to have to go through the pain and agony of losing me. My mother has worked very hard to try to help me in life. If I were to kill myself, I feel sick to my stomach thinking about how my loved ones will react to it, especially my mother - she will probably think to herself that everything she ever did for me was all for nothing.

When my mother says to me "I am so glad you're here"

When my wife says to me "I just want you to know you are the best thing to ever happen to me"

When my little sister hugs me and says to me "you're my favourite person in the whole world"

...how the fuck do I end myself, knowing the absolute betrayal and devastation I will inevitably inflict upon them?

I can't do it.

 

[stupid trans guy]

For me i think thats reason to keep trying to survive

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

You still have grandparents? At the very least, please, outlive your grandparents.

 

[pepperfarmer]

My advice is that, when in doubt, you can simply just keep going. You can always die later (and you will, suicide or not).

Most things in life that you do will have an effect on others, some times negatively. That includes ending it. I'd wager there's not that many people, here or otherwise, who can claim their death would have a minimal impact on others.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

It's honorable that you care about them and love them enough to stay alive for them, but as for me, I've honestly started to hate the people who love me and sometimes I even want to make them suffer. Once they suffer as badly as I have, it will tear down their delusions about life, especially my grandmother who will be upset because I "rejected Jesus" or some shit. She needs to realize how evil her religious cult is and understand WHY it was worth rejecting.

I'm only staying alive for me and to enjoy the addictions I have. I am DONE staying alive for others and never will do it again. When it's my time, it's my time, and I'm just gonna do it.

 

[monotine]

i feel that way too. i'm only staying cause i don't want to pass the pain im feeling onto others

 

[tonicer]

I feel similar. I am 40+ and my parents are 80+ and all i have to do is outlive them. I CAN'T make them bury me. The thought alone breaks my heart.
I also was dealt a very heavy hand at birth. I am very ugly and it ruined my entire life. I'm a KHHV and i can't even get hired because once the HR people see my face they reject me. My only hope is remote work where nobody has to see me.

 

[GordonWenlock]

My advice is that, when in doubt, you can simply just keep going. You can always die later (and you will, suicide or not).

Most things in life that you do will have an effect on others, some times negatively. That includes ending it. I'd wager there's not that many people, here or otherwise, who can claim their death would have a minimal impact on others.

That is really a very good rule IMO - 'if in doubt, delay'.

The fact that you are genuinely worried about how your loved ones would react means you a. still have people around that love you and b. are in sound enough mind to consider this. This genuinely is a reason to not CTB.

I think that if someone gets to the point of genuinely having nobody around that cares for them (rare but it does happen - sometimes they find bodies weeks later as noone has even bothered to speak to that person), or if they have convinced themselves that the pain of their existence outweighs the hurt that will be caused (absolutely can be the case with severe mental illness etc), then you start to get a legitimate case together.

 

[itsgone2]

I don't want to spend the next 40+ years being a wageslave.

I don't want to continue living life with autism. Having autism feels like a curse. I hate it.

Both are curses. I'm sorry you are in this place. The world is cruel

 

[FoolClimax]

Your loved one's didn't care if you had been born with disabilities. They wouldn't feel the pain if you had cancer now. Yes they might suffer emotionally but that pain can be subsided with medicine and therapy. But the pain you would feel from the tumor pressing into your nerves won't be subsided that easily. You wouldn't get the same privilege. If tomorrow if you were to suffer some horrible physical trauma or disease, you alone would've to suffer from it. The only person that matters in this universe is yourself. You have no memory no experience before you were born. You didn't have to suffer through ww2 or any other tragedies that other's had to. Anything that happens after you are gone might as well not happen.

 

[gottagorightnow]

I came here to post something very similar. Except it's that the only people I have "left" after my partner died are my mom (100% have CPTSD from her but I do know it would still devastate her), a couple of friends who are honestly doing a pretty shit job at being there for me during the worst pain of my life, and my cat. I spend most of my days with just myself and my cat. I feel so fucking alone yet I know I would hurt people. I keep asking for some kind of freak accident or terminal illness but obviously I'm still here. I just hate it. I want out of this shitty life. I don't want to fight for water or food or deal with war or any of this shit. I am in agony 24/7 and the literal only thing holding me back is I know it'll hurt other people. And honestly I know that's not actually my problem. We all die. That literally is life. I wouldn't feel guilty if I went any other way. I feel you. I hate feeling stuck her miserable.

 

[decadance]

i relate to this a lot. at least for now im staying around for them. knowing how much it'll destroy them rips me apart inside. but the thought of being alive for 50+ years just to work and continuing to suffer with my mental illnesses and neurodivergence and chronic illness for so long is unbearable. i dont want to stay alive just for other peoples benefit. leaving my parents and my best friends seems so difficult. my mom especially, shes done so much to help me and im so afraid she'll blame herself and think she didnt do enough, it'd ruin her forever. the thought of leaving my little sister behind hurts me most, she rly needs me and she has no one else. i can already envision how much it'll ruin my family's lives forever. i cry about this stuff all the time. knowing how much it'd hurt them all, and it hurting me so bad too, how could i keep thinking of doing it? i feel like its something i have to do no matter what though. living a whole lifetime that i didnt want to live isnt actually living. im extremely torn and either decision hurts me in the end. you're not alone i feel you