Venting Parents, notes, and feeling trapped

[cupiodissolvi]

I'll try to get to the point. I no longer have any desire or hope to drag myself through this useless and insipid life, and all in all I am serene, a little sorry for myself but calm, and the idea of going towards oblivion - in a while, when I want to - fills me with great peace. It's a decision I feel like I've made, and this idea makes me feel good (better).
So, it seems like a reasoned decision of mine, thoughtful and mature: everything is at place, except for one detail... My parents.

Unfortunately, I KNOW that if I killed myself, their lives would be totally devastated by pain, without remedy, and I feel I can't do this. I feel trapped in this life for decades to come, until they die a mature death, but the thought of remaining in this prison of life for a long time takes my breath away. Decades to go! How will I manage?

I'd definitely like to leave them a note explaining that it's not their fault and that they should go on living peacefully—as peaceful as I finally was, without pain, free. I'd like to explain that, truly, this is better for me and that everything is all right. But I know it would be pointless, and they wouldn't understand. Even talking about it in person—for hours or maybe years—wouldn't be enough, let alone a note.

So what am I supposed to do? I feel trapped (for decades!). Anyone else feel this way? How do you guys handle it? How do you see things?

"And don't have any kids yourself" (Philip Larkin, This Be The Verse)

 

[FluffIsJustice]

I don't want to tell you what you should do with this response, but I'm in a similar situation so maybe it might help in some way.

I'm currently living for my mother, which does not mean that I do everything she wants me to do but that I postponed ctb until she passes away (no matter when / how that will happen). She is aware of me being suicidal, though I doubt that she understands the extent of it (we did talk about it before but she just does not understand). It ended up developing that way after she interfered in a previous suicide attempt and ran herself ragged over a year to pick up the shards of my life, saying that it would destroy her if one of her kids did such a thing. Since she actually tried to do things for me, I decided to repay her in this way (which might be weird? I dont know). The plan in the meantime is to try and make life as comfortable for myself as I can (no need for unnecessary suffering). Though something like this has to be decided by yourself because of what it entails (also, chances are there will be no thank you (or anything that shows theyre grateful, in my case the only consequence are more demands of how life should be lived lmao) for it because as said, they do not understand (but I hope this does not seem like a 'bad ending example' as I do not consider it as such - it gives me time to do some things I wanted to do before the end anyway, like writing a book)).