Venting I feel guilty that my friends and siblings sad, but their lives are fundamentally different from mine

[eggsausagerice]

sorry for diaryposting so much. you're allowed to mute my posts lol

My mental health cycles. It's gotten worse the longer I've spent alone, which was basically the entire spring semester (January-May). My friends are all busy these days and I don't want to reach out to them. Even then, I don't have anything I can suggest to do. My bud has moved away and texting him just makes me feel clingy when I know he has friends in the city he lives in. I know, despite my friends in town being busy and despite my best friend not living in the same time as me anymore, they still wouldn't want me to die. But I want to die. No one knows what to do with a person when they're depressed. My mom thinks it's attention seeking to call the suicide hotline or to say that I want to kill myself. She tries to tell me I'll go to hell if I commit suicide, but I know she wishes she was dead too after isolating herself and having to hold up the whole house with her job.

I'm sick of wanting to be alive because something gives me hope and wanting to die because I feel like no one thinks about me or cares about me anymore. I hate the summer the most because I always get told it's the best season where everyone has the most free time. No one ever wants to spend time with me during the summer. I have nothing to do during the summer, besides online classes. The reason I want to die is because no one understands how I'm feeling and if I were to tell them, they would just get scared. I plan on dying soon because I feel like I'm not meant to be alive. When I reach out to people, I feel guilty because I know that I'm not really the one they want to be hearing from. There's always someone they want to be texting more. I seem to matter the least in every friend group and it always hurts.

I haven't been doing any of my coping mechanisms and I haven't done any of my hobbies. I cleaned my room today because I wanted to clean it out for my parents. In March, I watched a movie called Peep "TV" Show and it had a really good scene of a NEET in his room saying,

"I don't know how to put it, but being at home all the time can get to you. Sometimes I get worried that I'll spend the rest of my life in this room and die a complete failure."

I haven't watched a movie in a while because I don't feel like watching anything, but I really like movies that are able to convey the specific kind of hopelessness and social isolation that leads someone to kill themselves. I really recommend watching it because it's free on Youtube. This past week I've just been having really bad suicidal thoughts. I feel guilty for telling my best friend about them, but I wanted him to know that I was thinking of doing it because I saw no hope for my future. I've really always wanted to be like him, but I know that I can't be. I'm just myself, and I can't seem to do anything or achieve anything I'm proud of. I cheat on my tests and do my homework mindlessly. I just turn in my schoolwork so that I don't fail, but a part of me doesn't even want to go to university. I've never dreamt of doing anything because no one expects anything from me. I told my friend the other day that I felt like a "sick animal" and that I needed to "get away from him" so that he won't have to deal with me breaking down and talking about feeling worthless when he mentions going to his university. I want to be dead soon. I don't want to go out and talk to someone, I don't want a job, and I don't want to go through my next semester. My sister's always been able to achieve what I can't. It makes me think I can't achieve anything at all.

edit:
japanese diancie card i found on the floor while cleaning. she is so shiny...

 

[Warlord's Pulse]

It's not the first time I say this on a post of yours, but I'm genuinely impressed by how much I relate. The way you convey the feeling, the wording, it's very alike with mine.
I know that saying "Relatable" wouldn't help you at all, but, relatable nonetheless.
Sorry, too tired right know to go into details.

 

[eggsausagerice]

EDIT: TITLE IS SUPPOSED TO SAY "I feel guilty that my death would make my friends and siblings sad, but their lives are fundamentally different from mine"

It's not the first time I say this on a post of yours, but I'm genuinely impressed by how much I relate. The way you convey the feeling, the wording, it's very alike with mine.
I know that saying "Relatable" wouldn't help you at all, but, relatable nonetheless.
Sorry, too tired right know to go into details.

i jump up in the air like a cartoon character and go "whoopee!!" when anyone relates to my posts, so i appreciate your comment. i think the fact i legitimately can't (after trying to vent to other people and in other places) tell anyone how i'm feeling. i get infantilized or get people get overwhelmed by me when i tell them as much as i've written in the post. in real life, i talk very bluntly and also kind of faster than usual when i'm excited or emotional, so it makes it harder for people to understand me. i'm more calmer but depressive staying inside and avoiding people since i can't control how other people see me no matter how much i try to be likable. i like that people can read my posts on here and not just read all the way through, but connect with them on any level. it's really hard for me to talk to people who are doing better mentally than me since i want to be like them so badly lol