i escaped the ward and im freaking out

[Obsess]

But I'm bad and unhealthy for him. He literally said like our dynamic is like him being a caretaker and he can't do that. It's so much stress. So like I'm bad for him So I could see why he would want to drop me completely. I just feel like it's mean to give me two weeks of no contact and, then just drop me fully after that.

But he also said when I attempted before that there would be a me-shaped hole in his heart So I I don't know. I don't know. He's very affectionate with everyone, so I'm hard to it's difficult to tell what he really means and who he really cares about. Right now it doesn't feel like he cares about me and that's scary to me. I just wanted to kill myself while like strike while the iron's hot.

But now I couldn't do it. I couldn't say goodbye. I don't know. Literally at the train tracks for hours and I couldn't fucking do it because I'm some fucking loser faggot.

You're right, it would be pretty mean, especially if he knows how you feel about him and how being away from him truly hurts you.

I think he really may care about you, but it makes sense that you would feel like he doesn't though, because of the 2 week no contact thing. I feel so bad for you, just because I couldn't imagine going through what you are. Being so far away from the person you love and care for, then potentially not being able to see them again depending on what they say sounds like torture. I understand why you would want to CTB

And I know it's easy to think youre weak, but youre not weak just because you couldn't go through with your method. As you said, it was rushed and sudden, so it's not your fault at all that it didn't work. The moment right before going through with a method is very intense. You're not a loser to me, if that means anything. Im sorry I cant do more to help your situation..

 

[3FailedAttemptss]

You're right, it would be pretty mean, especially if he knows how you feel about him and how being away from him truly hurts you.

I think he really may care about you, but it makes sense that you would feel like he doesn't though, because of the 2 week no contact thing. I feel so bad for you, just because I couldn't imagine going through what you are. Being so far away from the person you love and care for, then potentially not being able to see them again depending on what they say sounds like torture. I understand why you would want to CTB

And I know it's easy to think youre weak, but youre not weak just because you couldn't go through with your method. As you said, it was rushed and sudden, so it's not your fault at all that it didn't work. The moment right before going through with a method is very intense. You're not a loser to me, if that means anything. Im sorry I cant do more to help your situation..

Yeah, I've said it before and I'll say it again. I'm just really, really scared of what happens when the two week no contact period is over. Like will we go back to being friends? Will he just ignore me and go on with his life Like what's gonna happen? He was my fucking boyfriend, I loved him with all my being and then he drops me And I didn't even fucking kill myself today.

I could have I should have but I couldn't. I just couldn't the only thing that was getting in my way is I couldn't say goodbye. I couldn't get myself to do that to my my ex. 'Cause I know that hurts him. So I couldn't even say goodbye.

That was the only thing standing in my way of my suicide. And now I'm just a pathetic fucking loser who got caught by the cops. I wish I had a gun. I wish I had sodium nitrite. I hate that trains are my only method.

It always gets so messy.

 

[ihateittoo]

im very sorry to hear about what youre dealing with. im a trans girl too, i get the pain. im wishing you the best, if you ever want someone to talk to feel free to dm

 

[Obsess]

Yeah, I've said it before and I'll say it again. I'm just really, really scared of what happens when the two week no contact period is over. Like will we go back to being friends? Will he just ignore me and go on with his life Like what's gonna happen? He was my fucking boyfriend, I loved him with all my being and then he drops me And I didn't even fucking kill myself today.

I could have I should have but I couldn't. I just couldn't the only thing that was getting in my way is I couldn't say goodbye. I couldn't get myself to do that to my my ex. 'Cause I know that hurts him. So I couldn't even say goodbye.

That was the only thing standing in my way of my suicide. And now I'm just a pathetic fucking loser who got caught by the cops. I wish I had a gun. I wish I had sodium nitrite. I hate that trains are my only method.

It always gets so messy.

I'm sorry.. all there is to do is wait now, unfortunately.. I personally believe you're not pathetic, and you're actually really brave for what you did today, sneaking away from where you were "supposed" to go when you were dropped off. I really do wish the best for you, I know you're scared and terrified of what could happen.. but the chances aren't 0 that things will turn out good for you. Please stay safe and do what your heart desires, I hope you and your ex get back together happily.

 

[3FailedAttemptss]

I'm sorry.. all there is to do is wait now, unfortunately.. I personally believe you're not pathetic, and you're actually really brave for what you did today, sneaking away from where you were "supposed" to go when you were dropped off. I really do wish the best for you, I know you're scared and terrified of what could happen.. but the chances aren't 0 that things will turn out good for you. Please stay safe and do what your heart desires, I hope you and your ex get back together happily.

I'm just worried, I feel like I've said this before, but I feel like I've burned the bridge and I alone am the sole reason for him leaving and and ruining things constantly and just being bad. And I couldn't even fucking kill myself. Or I could kill myself, but I couldn't even get myself to say goodbye. Like what the fuck is up with that? Why can't I just say bye?

It's just sending a message. I couldn't do it for hours and then the police got me. I was very comfortable going down on the tracks. But I just couldn't say bye. Even though I really wanted to, I I don't know.

But thank you so much for all your kind words.

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

family is now spam calling me
oh god
this doesn't feel right
i just wish i had my boyfriend
he was my everything
but i was too mentally ill for him

Boyfriends (and girlfriends) come & go. Since they are temporary, we cannot make them our everything, because when they go we will be right back to having nothing. We all fall in love, love that person with everything in our being, get tossed aside, get really sad for a while and then we get over it and we move on. It's a nearly universal human experience. The only person you can make your everything is YOURSELF. Never CTB over temporary people.

 

[3FailedAttemptss]

Boyfriends (and girlfriends) come & go. Since they are temporary, we cannot make them our everything, because when they go we will be right back to having nothing. We all fall in love, love that person with everything in our being, get tossed aside, get really sad for a while and then we get over it and we move on. It's a nearly universal human experience. The only person you can make your everything is YOURSELF. Never CTB over temporary people.

I hate that he's temporary. I hate that you refer to him as temporary. he even talked about building our lives together. he mentioned children. He talked about moving in together. I mean everything, and then he drops me.

He's not temporary. He's the only person who's ever been this special to me, and I've only had like one girlfriend before, but but he's just amazing. He makes my negative symptoms from my schizophrenia disappear. Like that's clinically insane that that even happens, but he makes it happen, so he's special. He's not just some boyfriend that I had. He's a really, really, really, really special person. and it hurts me that he wants to leave me because I need him. I'm not suicidal when I'm with him. but without him, I am, and I don't see any point living like this.

I should be dead and things would've been better without me if I didn't hesitate. The only reason why I'm alive is it's so fucking difficult for me to say goodbye to him

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

I hate that he's temporary. I hate that you refer to him as temporary. he even talked about building our lives together. he mentioned children. He talked about moving in together. I mean everything, and then he drops me.

He's not temporary. He's the only person who's ever been this special to me, and I've only had like one girlfriend before, but but he's just amazing. He makes my negative symptoms from my schizophrenia disappear. Like that's clinically insane that that even happens, but he makes it happen, so he's special. He's not just some boyfriend that I had. He's a really, really, really, really special person. and it hurts me that he wants to leave me because I need him. I'm not suicidal when I'm with him. but without him, I am, and I don't see any point living like this.

I should be dead and things would've been better without me if I didn't hesitate. The only reason why I'm alive is it's so fucking difficult for me to say goodbye to him

Right.
That's what being in love feels like. That's what you're describing: an experience that (almost) every human being goes through. It hurts, we feel like the pain will never end, and then we get over it. It's just part of what makes us human, welcome to planet earth !!!

He wasn't only temporary, he's history! Many men and women get married & have children only to find out that their marriages are temporary (as everything in life is).

The point in living is realizing that you are special, that other people in your life are special, too, and that there are things worth doing, being, and experiencing. Then you'll start treating yourself like you're special. That's when other people will notice, and you'll be able to attract other special people who treat themselves and others well.

 

[3FailedAttemptss]

Right.
That's what being in love feels like. That's what you're describing: an experience that (almost) every human being goes through. It hurts, we feel like the pain will never end, and then we get over it. It's just part of what makes us human, welcome to planet earth !!!

He wasn't only temporary, he's history! Many men and women get married & have children only to find out that their marriages are temporary (as everything in life is).

The point in living is realizing that you are special, that other people in your life are special, too, and that there are things worth doing, being, and experiencing. Then you'll start treating yourself like you're special. That's when other people will notice, and you'll be able to attract other special people who treat themselves and others well.

I don't like that, and I'd rather die

He was my everything.

I just don't know why I hesitated yesterday.

I lament the fact that I'm alive.