I feel like I've lost the game however still I am playing it. I sometimes wish never to leave my bed again and just to give up. The problem is you feel way more in pain if you do that. I try to deceive myself that everything might work out despite the fact my problems are most likely not solvable. My therapist motivated me to try more positive stuff (I could not sleep anymore inter alia my depression/suicidal thoughts.) Like I am trying more positive stuff and it helps to improve my mood. My present is sometimes even okay, I can enjoy some things in life. However this does not change my extremely fucked up future.
It is so exhaustive trying to be positive. My future suicide is haunting me and I feel kind of trapped. I can try to be more positive for the moment but the depressive patterns of behavior are way stronger. If my life would not be that kind of a mess it would be easier to see the positive.
There are only 3 months left and then I go for a full recovery trial that might casues mania. I have no alternatives. This is all bullshit.
It is so exhaustive trying to be positive. My future suicide is haunting me and I feel kind of trapped. I can try to be more positive for the moment but the depressive patterns of behavior are way stronger. If my life would not be that kind of a mess it would be easier to see the positive.
There are only 3 months left and then I go for a full recovery trial that might casues mania. I have no alternatives. This is all bullshit.
