I envy my peers

[Gaga786]

I just don't feel happy anymore.I feel jealous of those who don't had to go through the bullying or had friends in high school and had a enjoyable experience. They are out there having the time of their lives in amazing universities, phenomenal friends, excellent grades whereas im here lonely and preparing my own funeral. It really sucks seeing them so happy. I don't want to say that they may have had perfect lives but atleast they don't have to deal with depression and the childhood trauma. There parents made them study hard, nurtured them whereas mine neglected them. I had no one to help with my homework, I used to do it all by myself. Just imagine a young 7 years old child struggling with homework all by himself, Thats the reason why my foundation in subjects like maths and English is so weak and why I would struggle with school so much. I would be called a failure by all my peers. The words failure for life was embedded in my head

 

[Capsaicin78]

I feel you on that... that is the unfortunate thing about life, it doesn't owe you anything at all.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Life is a lottery in many ways.

 

[sfabians]

Life is a lottery in many ways.

Also all it takes is a bad decision or mistakc, and someone's life gets destroyed.

 

[hopelessdreams]

im sorry you're going through this. but i can tell you my friend, that the grass is nog greener on the other side. i too grew up with childhood trauma and a toxic household. school was my only escape and coping mechanism, because home was not "safe". i studied hard to please people who didnt give a shit about me. to this day, parents still don't know what i'm actually doing.

in college, on the outside it looked as if i was successful: a great school and lost of friends right? but i was more lonely then ever. in a group of friends i still felt lonely and isolated. academic success didn't bring me the joy anymore that it used too. after three months of college, i dropped out because i couldn't do it anymore.

it really is what you make of it. even the people that you may think are happy could be struggling with depression or other issues behind closed doors. we all suffer, some people just hide it better then others.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you suffer so unbearably. Life really is so unfair and in this life it seems as though many people are disadvantaged through no fault of their own. I know that it is hard to carry on when things seem so hopeless. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[Superdeterminist]

I hate feeling envious but I find it impossible to avoid. I don't envy most people, but a select few I do envy, to a nauseating degree. I may envy only some parts of people's lives. I don't want to deal with this toxic feeling any longer, even though I believe it's reasonable to feel this way, it doesn't feel good nor does it make anyone's life better.

 

[Klophy]

Yeah, i can relate, went through most of those things as well.

I want to be gone before that jealousy turns into hate, i don't want to become a hateful person. Turning into the people who made my life miserable would be the tipping point for me where the method would no longer matter.