Venting I don’t want to wake up anymore

[lastappleonearth]

I really don't want to anymore, I wish I could just fall asleep one night and never wake up again. Every single day, when I wake up, the first thing I feel is this overwhelming dread and sadness and it just doesn't seem to ever go away. I always wake up alone, usually without any messages from anyone, no one reaches out and I get it. Recently I visited my only friend in another country (not far tho) and it was the first irl social interaction outside of my immediate family for over a year. I guess that's progress, but idk, now I'm back home and nothing is better. He'll probably leave too sooner or later, cus that usually happens. I know it's dumb, but sometimes I really wish that I never had any connections to begin with, because then I wouldn't know how it felt to have someone and I guess I couldn't miss it. I just want this to stop, I don't want to do this anymore, like I already have to force myself to eat, I'm never hungry. At this point I'm having a hard time seeing a way out of this. I just don't know what to do, seems like I fucked up