I don't like not being suicidal anymore.

[Defenestration]

I don't like not being suicidal anymore.

On one hand, it's a sign that I'm doing better... but on the other hand, it also means that I must to fight all big problems of my life.

What I mean is that, of course, I can theoretically always ctb, but I can't even do it when I'm very suicidal, so when I'm not, or not really anymore, it seems complicated.

And you?

 

[theDunce]

So true, complicated like you said. Definitely had days where I was feeling it more so. I don't think I can go on though so I am not really feeling it but feeling that I must do it instead. Don't know if that makes any sense but that is where my mind goes. I guess it will always be painful until I am gone.

 

[EmptyBottle]

I feel similar... after failing 1 attempt, that taught me that CTB might not work for me... and that's how I somehow kept going even thru times where I otherwise would've CTB'd.

By registering when the CTB wishes were already fading... and stating that got surprise questions like "why am I here if I" [don't wish to CTB], I explain that I wished CTB in the past and sometimes wish it... and the user then understands.

 

[stopMotionSickness]

I mean sure, in my mind ctb has always been a coping mechanism. Like water, people will choose simply the path of least resistance, and water will cross mountains if around it are only taller mountains. People choose ctb if all other paths feel insurmountable, and thus choose the least-bad option, at least in their mind.

It reminds me of a dream I once had about nuclear war ending the world while I was at some formal new-years party. It was in a big fancy high-rise apartment with big glass windows, and the end started when the first warheads started going off on the edge of the horizon, with more explosions to follow, getting closer and closer. I remember feeling so much at peace with that this was the end, that while everyone else ran out in a panic, I sat down on a couch and just looked out the window, waiting for the tide of fire to wash over me. It was a gut-wrenching disappointment to just wake up on a regular ass tuesday and having to go to school.

By registering when the CTB wishes were already fading... and stating that got surprise questions like "why am I here if I" [don't wish to CTB], I explain that I wished CTB in the past and sometimes wish it... and the user then understands.

And I think that gets at the big reason I like it here; it's not necessarily that everyone has to be suicidal and encouraging and all that, but I feel like people gain a newfound seriousness about life only when they seriously consider the alternative. I think the most interesting and motivated people are those who have considered death, and in the face of that still choose life. Or if they did choose death, then they at least looked at things with an honesty and clarity that I think otherwise sort of gunks up people's ability to see this.

 

[lpdsvm]

I am not suicidal i just see it as a free visa entry. I don't like thinking about it. Why. When it's time I will know it without thinking.

 

[lilies.in.heaven]

I'm also less suicidal due to taking antidepressants, but the thought of doomness still persists, meaning I'm not constantly thinking about ending it now, but I still see CTB as the right thing for me when the circumstances get bad again.

It's like not being "instinctively" suicidal, but rather only "logically" suicidal.

 

[Defenestration]

C'est tellement vrai, compliqué comme tu l'as dit. J'ai certainement eu des jours où je le ressentais davantage. Je ne pense pas pouvoir continuer, alors je ne le ressens plus vraiment, mais plutôt que je dois le faire. Je ne sais pas si c'est clair, mais c'est ce que je ressens. J'imagine que ce sera toujours douloureux jusqu'à ma mort.

Yes its this indeed

 

[Defenestration]

When I'm feeling well, I know from experience, and given the poor health of my loved ones, that my well-being won't last and that I'll suffer... I'm reassured by being suicidal because it tells me I can leave at any moment.

 

[cme-dme]

I feel this too. I'm not built for this world and the thought of fitting in and becoming a normal adult i.e. my parents and working all the time is terrifying but I also don't want to die.

 

[Defenestration]

Je ressens la même chose. Je ne suis pas faite pour ce monde et l'idée de m'intégrer et de devenir une adulte normale, c'est-à-dire comme mes parents, à travailler sans cesse, est terrifiante, mais je ne veux pas mourir non plus.

I think Same things

 

[LonelyPrince]

Part of me says "same" while the other doesn't.

When I was completely suicidal I wouldn't think long term and lived day to day without dealing nor thinking of the world out there and the responsabilities in it.

Unfortunately, now I gotta deal with life. The happy meds are working and it's conflicting

 

[Defenestration]

When I was completely suicidal I wouldn't think long term and lived day to day without dealing nor thinking of the world out there and the responsabilities in it.

It is fine this...

 

[somethingisntreal]

I can relate. As much as I hate it, I've been getting better (hence my inactivity on SaSu). It's almost like I want to kill myself, but don't need to. The thought still lingers in my mind every hour of the day but I'm in no rush to do it. I do hate having to actually work on my life instead of wallowing in self-pity tho.

 

[Defenestration]

I can relate. As much as I hate it, I've been getting better (hence my inactivity on SaSu). It's almost like I want to kill myself, but don't need to. The thought still lingers in my mind every hour of the day but I'm in no rush to do it. I do hate having to actually work on my life instead of wallowing in self-pity tho.

Same think

 

[Defenestration]

Why am I still here? Even when positive things happen in my life, I can't help but suffer. I've met some wonderful people in real life, but I'm sad when I don't see them anymore.

 

[geepeedee]

Why am I still here? Even when positive things happen in my life, I can't help but suffer. I've met some wonderful people in real life, but I'm sad when I don't see them anymore.

life is suffering.

 

[Matchaaa]

I feel the same way,Sometimes I feel that when I don't have suicidal thoughts, it means I'm about to face the harsh reality that I'm far behind in life, and that I'll have to keep struggling to survive in terrible circumstances. So sometimes I'd rather let those suicidal thoughts linger, because then I might actually have a chance to find true liberation through CTB.

 

[buriedinmyhead]

I've been going through that lately myself. I was heavily considering doing it last Sunday, but had trouble with method, and I had an experience that made me rethink things a little. I'll probably be suicidal again soon... but for now I have to actually deal with shit. I don't like that feeling either, there's something comforting about knowing I'll be gone soon.

 

[meatballlover]

I don't like not being suicidal anymore.

On one hand, it's a sign that I'm doing better... but on the other hand, it also means that I must to fight all big problems of my life.

What I mean is that, of course, I can theoretically always ctb, but I can't even do it when I'm very suicidal, so when I'm not, or not really anymore, it seems complicated.

And you?

I dont have much to add but i simply relate