i have been a lurker of this site for several months, and ive seen posts about other people and their successful attempts and for some reason it gives me the sense of peace for them and myself. and i know thats not what normal people feel, and i feel horrible wanting what they have been able to do.
ive always categorized myself as a horrible person. though the things ive done arent horrible to many, they seem it to me. i know i'm incredibly mentally ill, i know that one day illy cause of death will be suicide. ive tarnished every relationship close to me and i pretend it never affects me until i let myself think. and i always feel like the problem is me.
few months ago, i went to a close friend about how i was feeling and it was the first time someone told me that though they want to change what i want to do, they'll support me in whatever i choose to do. i sadly fucked up that relationship of few days ago by pushing them away and they have seemed to pull themselves away from my lifd. my recently ex gf is sick and decided to break up, and i continued to push her away and now she wants nothing to do with me. ive looked up lots of help, but all seem bleak and unhelpful to me as i know i will never truly heal. i feel as if i continue in this world i will continue to hurt. and i don't wish that suffering onto anyone.
one of the only reasons i have chosen to continue with living is because of my niece. ive grown up with her since middle school, to now in college. i know she'd be devasted to hear my passing. although shes only 5, she knows what death eternally means. and i don't feel like i can do that to her. she seen me have panic attacks and breakdowns and she would be the only person to encourage me out of bed. i owe my life to her. but i cannot continue like this.
sorry for the rambling but all this felt really good to get out.
ive always categorized myself as a horrible person. though the things ive done arent horrible to many, they seem it to me. i know i'm incredibly mentally ill, i know that one day illy cause of death will be suicide. ive tarnished every relationship close to me and i pretend it never affects me until i let myself think. and i always feel like the problem is me.
few months ago, i went to a close friend about how i was feeling and it was the first time someone told me that though they want to change what i want to do, they'll support me in whatever i choose to do. i sadly fucked up that relationship of few days ago by pushing them away and they have seemed to pull themselves away from my lifd. my recently ex gf is sick and decided to break up, and i continued to push her away and now she wants nothing to do with me. ive looked up lots of help, but all seem bleak and unhelpful to me as i know i will never truly heal. i feel as if i continue in this world i will continue to hurt. and i don't wish that suffering onto anyone.
one of the only reasons i have chosen to continue with living is because of my niece. ive grown up with her since middle school, to now in college. i know she'd be devasted to hear my passing. although shes only 5, she knows what death eternally means. and i don't feel like i can do that to her. she seen me have panic attacks and breakdowns and she would be the only person to encourage me out of bed. i owe my life to her. but i cannot continue like this.
sorry for the rambling but all this felt really good to get out.
