I don't know who am I

[TheHatedOne]

I have no clue who's the real me. No clue if I was made to be a bad person or if I was like this since I was born. I have a feeling that I was born a bad person. I have done horrible things. I'm horrible. And then I wonder why people treat me like shit. I'm awful and I deserve it. It was never them but it was me who was the problem. I was born a monster.

I have so many facades and behave differently in every context. I'm like x here, y there that even I don't know. I actually feel like there's a complete different person doing these actions within me. It's scary. I can't trust myself.

I wish I could become the person I was in my teens again, that one seemed the most tolerable I think.

While it's lonely it's better that I stay away. I'm a stranger. A stranger who has mostly been awful.

 

[cambrai33]

Try and stop this, it's a self fulfilling prophecy

You are as a person what you decide to do from now on, yes the past matters but the future matters more

I don't particularly like myself but I also don't want to tell everyone how shit I am because it's better they make their own opinions

 

[Amumu]

I have so many facades and behave differently in every context. I'm like x here, y there that even I don't know. I actually feel like there's a complete different person doing these actions within me. It's scary. I can't trust myself.

This is so relatable... I have the amumu for family, the amumu for acquaintances, the amumu for work... and the amumu for ctb.

Eventually, the latter will take over. Sorry for what you're going through.

 

[Rational man]

Many people.go through life not knowing self..But do we not pretend so much in our pretence society!. What is it about your teen Years the made it more 'tolerable'?

 

[xLosthopex]

I relate to this, especially feeling like I'm a bad person and not knowing who the 'real me' is
Do you have a cluster b disorder? I'm diagnosed with BPD myself, a lot of those feelings you mentioned sound characteristic of a personality disorder
I have a lot of other diagnosed mental illnesses too though, such as autism, OCD, anorexia nervosa, depression so sometimes it's hard to know which symptoms come from what as there can be a lot of overlap, pretty certain I have ptsd too although it's not diagnosed
Not that being aware of those things makes anything easier but it can explain things I guess
My life is just one giant mess

 

[TheHatedOne]

I relate to this, especially feeling like I'm a bad person and not knowing who the 'real me' is
Do you have a cluster b disorder? I'm diagnosed with BPD myself, a lot of those feelings you mentioned sound characteristic of a personality disorder
I have a lot of other diagnosed mental illnesses too though, such as autism, OCD, anorexia nervosa, depression so sometimes it's hard to know which symptoms come from what as there can be a lot of overlap, pretty certain I have ptsd too although it's not diagnosed
Not that being aware of those things makes anything easier but it can explain things I guess
My life is just one giant mess

I wasn't diagnosed with anything so far so I can't speak on this matter. However, not knowing if this is the real me who is typing this is scary. But then again, what is real? What is "me"? I don't know how to describe it in words really, it's as if I don't have sense of self or as if someone else is inside me. Throughout my life I always felt like I was in the wrong body, maybe even mind?

I never suffered any traumatic head injury either. Just self harm in the area and me accidentally hitting my head on stuff cause I'm clumsy and on the taller side.

Many people.go through life not knowing self..But do we not pretend so much in our pretence society!. What is it about your teen Years the made it more 'tolerable'?

Around 13-15 I think I was a good person and didn't hurt anybody around that time. I think.

 

[PlushieLover]

I sometimes feel like that. Sometimes I regret horrible shit I did but sometimes I'm like "nah I'm good." I don't know how I would react to something because I don't really know me I think. But I think it's fine, in my opinion we can't control who we really are because we can't control our genes or the environment we grew up.

I send you my hugs bro, hope you feel good eventually.

 

[TroubleMakR]

I feel that on so many levels... Like rn my bf and his family are introducing me to his neice and nephew and all I can think is how I fucking wanted my own child but how it's not gonna happen and I feel like I'm a failure at whatever I'm supposed to have done in life. That's just one example. I'm 34 and I still have no clue why I'm even here why do I exist except to be the example of what not to do. Can't run from your own thoughts and when the pain is yourself there's only one way to kill the pain.

 

[rottenteeth]

So this message is to the OP. My point of view on people being bad is it is always damages of some sort. People only behave badly when they have a need that is needed to be met and that need is met in a negative way. I do not know any of the bad you have done, but that would show the need that needs to be met. There are positive ways to meet needs if you choose. Example: abusing people could mean you feel disempowered, so find empowerment in positive ways. Understanding why you do things takes genuine honesty though. Also my other point was people do bad because of disconnection (not caring about others pain), their own pain and damage even if the damage is brain damage (which I do not mean as an insult Antisocial behavior can be due to brain malfunctioning which people are born with). It is good you have awareness it is just understanding the "why". You can have resolution if you try. The keys to saving oneself and this entire species are: reconnecting to other people and self emotionally (empathy, compassion, not going numb), meeting needs in positive ways for all (not narcissistic), and genuine resolution (not power struggles, understanding the "why" having genuine healing of damages whether physical, mental emotional or all). It is hard to not go numb to negative emotions though, which is why the world is the way it is, so cold and living dead humans. Oh another tip: anger always comes from pain of some sort. It is a defense. I feel like a lot of suicidal people have buried guilt they cannot face. Take care if anyone reads this.