Venting I don’t know how much longer I can do this

[depressed_kitten97]

Hey everyone,

I'm new here. I have been suicidal for the past 20 years. I'm 28 years old.

Where do I start…
I was raped by an uncle from 5 to 13 years old. Everytime I would sleep at his house (1 time per month, more or less) he would wake me up in the middle of the night, tie me up and rape me. He would tell me horrible things. Like it was my fault, that I deserved it, that I would never do anything good with my life… and that's just some exemples.

No one noticed. Or no one cared enough to do something. I still blame myself for not telling it. There are so many moments where I could have, but did not. I was so afraid. But I feel guilty because I feel like if I didn't talk about it, maybe I wanted him to continue. Because I had the power to make it stop, by talking.

I now live with PTSD. I am still in college.
I feel bad because after all these years, I finally found something I really like and see myself do for the rest of my life (early childhood education). Even then, I still want to die.
Right now, I probably am at the best place I've ever been in my life. I study something I am passionate about.
I have a lovely girlfriend, and an awesome best friend.
I received money from the government for people that were victim of a criminal act, so I can get therapy and meds, which I do. I love my therapist. She's the sweetest.

But, even then… I wake up every morning and I have to choose to live. I don't want to. I am so tired of living with all the consequences of the actions he did. I am so tired of nightmares and flashbacks. I don't even know if I am going to be able to work full time later. Right now, I couldn't. I'm mentally not well enough to.

How is it possible to want to live after what happened to me? No matter how much I talk about it, how much therapy session I have, how much meds I am on… it is still there. It will never disappear. It is part of me and I can't. I can't do it anymore.

I feel like I've tried everything in the last 8 years. And I am still not better, even when everything around me should make me happy. I am not, and I never will be.

I attempted to ctb last august. Clearly, I failed because I am still here. Being on this forum make the idea of death so much more real. And I don't know if it scares me, or reassure me. The only thing I know is that I've been fighting for so long, and I don't have the energy anymore.

I wrote a will. I have a plan about everything I need to do before ctb. Like clean up my stuff and shit like that. I just don't have the method yet. I don't want to fail this time. We'll see, I guess. I'll keep you guys updated if I ever find the method I want to use.

Thanks for reading,
Take care of yourself guys.
I hope you all find some kind of peace

 

[iloveunotbutmaybe]

i think psychologically the only way youll ever really allow yourself to forget is getting back at the uncle, humans dont just heal when theyre wronged

 

[FuneralCry]

It's just so cruel to me how there's all this suffering in existing, it really sounds like you've suffered a lot. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[Shadows From Hell]

I know this don't mean much considering what you went through, but I truly hope you can get past it and heal. Suicide isn't for everyone, and you sound like you're trying to move forward with your life. I know it's hard to do when you have a guilty conscience on your mind for something that was in no way your fault. You're in college and working to doing something productive, so that is a plus for you, and a start in the right direction.

Whichever way you choose to go, you are always welcome here to vent.

Much love n hugs.