Venting I can't stop crying

[w1ngedpearl]

Mom went for a walk. I'm completely alone rn for the first time after these shitty days. Caught a cold, it somehow works like distraction from my terrible thoughts, lol. Anyway, still feel extremely ashamed of myself, especially when I told my mom "Do you think I was joking when I called grandma crying and saying I wanna end my life?". I feel like I'm crazy, hate that feeling. I preferred wearing a mask of a normie in front of everyone, at least it didn't felt like I'm "strange" or insane. I need to distract more and watch youtube. I love to talk to myself when I'm alone - It helps me to process different feelings and events. Now I wanna stay silent - I'm so disgusted by myself, don't want to hear my own voice. I'm a bit anxious about flying to my birth city, because I have no idea how things will go. I know for sure that I'll feel like a stranger and an outcast - not only because I'm not used to being there but because I did so much shit and am ashamed of my body, voice, personality, presence, existence, everything. My brother will 100% make some toxic comments about me. Grandma told that she gifted him 12000$ for graduating with honors. Believe it or not, I'm not envious. I didn't feel anything at all. He deserved. I would waste these money anyway - I would spend them left and right on the stupidiest shit like a new phone, computer, clothes, my favorite food - something useless for entertainment.

I've talked to my boyfriend an hour ago. He makes me feel like I'm in heaven, lol. My mood is always a bit better when i'm with him. Life is still shit but I must distract as much as I can. What else do I have except the ability to dream? Right, nothing.

 

[w1ngedpearl]

upd. If anyone remembers, I cut and threw away almost all of my documents except the international passport (it's a part of my life's best period when I traveled a lot thanks to my mom). Now my grandma called my mom, I heard how she asked about my citizen passport - what did I do to it, if I cut it or smth. Mom refused to talk about it, changed the topic. I felt ashamed. I don't want to talk about this shit and that terrible day. I know my grandma will ask more but I feel it's so shameful to deal with it. They will discuss it with my mom more (already discussed 100%, lol) but I refuse to participate in the conversation. For them, it was an idiotic and stupic act - for me, it was an attempt to cut all ties to prepare for suicide. I want to forget it. I would never want to show myself that way. I want to have a normie mask again, I want to appear a normal human to them, to feel that I worth something (the feeling would be fake but Idgaf). I don't want to be treated as a sick person. I don't want to be myself.

upd. I don't give a shit about therapy. I care only about being able to not worry about money, sit in my room and do nothing. Guess I will never mention my wish to commit suicide in future. I don't trust psychiatrists. They will easily tell my darkest thoughts to relatives - the law allows it. Fuck them all and everything else.

upd. We will drive to the airport in 30 minutes. SN stayed here, I put the package in one of my bags. :) Very glad my mom didn't see it. It's very cheap and easy to get in my country but I like it to be here just in case. Hope I can easy return when I need it because CTB is obviously impossible when I'm at my mom's house. If anyone reads this shit, wish me luck because I'm very nervous.

 

[themindian]

upd. If anyone remembers, I cut and threw away almost all of my documents except the international passport (it's a part of my life's best period when I traveled a lot thanks to my mom). Now my grandma called my mom, I heard how she asked about my citizen passport - what did I do to it, if I cut it or smth. Mom refused to talk about it, changed the topic. I felt ashamed. I don't want to talk about this shit and that terrible day. I know my grandma will ask more but I feel it's so shameful to deal with it. They will discuss it with my mom more (already discussed 100%, lol) but I refuse to participate in the conversation. For them, it was an idiotic and stupic act - for me, it was an attempt to cut all ties to prepare for suicide. I want to forget it. I would never want to show myself that way. I want to have a normie mask again, I want to appear a normal human to them, to feel that I worth something (the feeling would be fake but Idgaf). I don't want to be treated as a sick person. I don't want to be myself.

upd. I don't give a shit about therapy. I care only about being able to not worry about money, sit in my room and do nothing. Guess I will never mention my wish to commit suicide in future. I don't trust psychiatrists. They will easily tell my darkest thoughts to relatives - the law allows it. Fuck them all and everything else.

Hey I just wanted to validate the fact that just because you're human, you deserve happiness, because being human and being alive is just reason enough alone to have happiness. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I mean I actually struggle a lot with happiness too but I come from a whole different battlefield than you. You clearly don't have a lot of money or resources or friends or anything like that, see I do have those things and I think I know how you feel when you say that you just wanted to either play video games or commit suicide because, I think the problem is that our core, we just don't think we deserve happiness and maybe it would be good to have someone validate that for you, like what I'm trying to do for you here.

You 100% deserve all the happiness in the world just for being human. No weird strings attached, no weird obligations, just you sir or ma'am are good enough to be as joyful as if you were dancing in the forest freely to the most beautiful music in the world haha.

 

[w1ngedpearl]

I've arrived at my childhood home. Obviously, I feel like an outcast. My brother didn't say a single word to me. Hope he won't make any toxic comments later. He 100% dislikes me and feels ashamed to have such sister as me. No idea how much I'll stay here, maybe for a month or more. I don't know what I want and what my future will be like. I don't want to "fix" anything. Everything here reminds me of the time I was worth something. I want to become a ghost and disappear. I don't want to be here. I hear my mom and brother talking and feel like a stranger even more. They are so... alive? My brother is casually speaking about his studying and his life. I feel like shit. I feel like a stray dog who was allowed to stay out of pity. I wish I was brave enough to end my life the day I planned before. I hate myself. I'm tired of being a burden. I've always dreamt of being someone else. I want to eat but I feel ashamed even to breathe because I just waste food and money for no reason. I'm gonna stay in a bed in my room.

upd. I'm sure they won't leave me alone. Yeah, maybe first days will be easy because I "need to rest after the flight", "get used to the place" and so on but later... They will judge me for staying in my room and doing nothing except using my phone and computer. My mom probably thinks that one psychotherapy session and prescribed meds will fix me, then I'll feel happy and go to work immediately, lol. Why am I such a failure? Sometimes I feel everything that happens to me isn't real. I shouldn't have come here.

upd. I love to do manicure, I've been doing it for 5 years. It's the only entertainment I have. Nails is the prettiest part of me. Now I feel that I don't give a shit. This week I should redo my manicure. Firstly, Idk how I should ask my mom. I've told her before and she said "I know it's important for you" but I'm extremely ashamed. I feel like I'm not allowed to ask anything. Secondly, it's waste of money anyway. I'm still ugly and don't deserve it. I'm so much tired.

upd. I used to dream of becoming rich to pay my debts, buy whatever I want and travel. Now I dream of becoming rich to give money to my mom and then CTB.

 

[w1ngedpearl]

My brother went to the university. He locked his room but probably doesn't understand it can be opened easily from outside with a firm thin object like a card, lol. I think he locked it because I'm at home. I lurked into his room. I know it's "bad" to do but I don't care, I didn't steal anything and just checked a few things and left everything like it's untouched. He has so many certificates and achievements, he graduated from university with honors. It killed me again. I have fucking nothing. I worth nothing. I know, I do nothing but keep whining and wallowing in self-pity but I don't give a shit. I hate myself so much. It was a mistake coming here. I don't want to do anything or see anyone.

upd. Never expected to admit it but I miss those days when me and my brother spent time together, when he told me something about his interests or favorite games. I miss being a child when all I had to worry about was eating well, playing enough and sleeping. I want to stay alone, not just in my room but completely alone. I failed being an adult, failed my life, just let me rot completely and CTB.

 

[w1ngedpearl]

Wish I was never born.
I don't want to be here, it sucks to be dependent. My mom is 60 years old (don't worry, she is a businesswoman and earns enough money, lol) and here I am being a burden on her in my 20s. I wish I had money to leave. Everything in the world is about money. Idk how I'm supposed to act. Maybe I should stop feeling so "shy", just admit "Yeah I'm insane and a failure, fuck you all" and behave as I want? I can't. It's hard to pose as "someone cool who doesn't give a fuck" when your "coolness" ends with mom's money.
I feel even more lonely here than in my previous city. This kind of loneliness is the worst — I feel like I'm "that strange guy" and an outcast. I hate hearing how they talk, how alive they are. I should've stayed (or just ended my life, it's better).

 

[w1ngedpearl]

I'm tired of crying. I don't want to be here. I feel so ashamed to talk, to eat, to breathe, to exist, to be myself. Why didn't I just end my pathetic life? It's so suffocating to be a burden. I don't want to leave my room.

 

[w1ngedpearl]

Spent all these hours in my bed. Didn't eat. I'm so ashamed to go out, especially if someone is near. Nothing makes me happy anymore. I don't care about eating, going out, doing my nails, seeing or talking to anyone. I'm afraid even my bf can't "help" me to feel happy. It was stupid not to end my life when I had a chance. It was a big mistake to go here. Maybe I should ask to leave after a week.

 

[w1ngedpearl]

I'm still in my bed, lol. I feel like I wanna sleep and that's it. I don't want to do anything. My classmate comes here on weekend, I wanted to meet with her but now I don't. Never felt so empty before. I always spend a lot of time in my bed but I used to stand up and "do" something before (doesn't matter what, at least something small). Now there is no reason to get up.
I think my mom will get annoyed by this eventually, will blame me and tell some shit like "But you can't live this way!" Sure I can't. I think I'm not compatible with being an adult or with life at all.

 

[GotTheTickets]

There's always something you enjoy, even if you're denying it I always needed to keep this simple, like taking a nice hot shower, or making some crazy sandwiches. You should try it out. It helped me get out of bed many times Oh, and my morning coffie fix! And know that's straight up routine at this point but I always enjoyed it.

 

[w1ngedpearl]

There's always something you enjoy, even if you're denying it I always needed to keep this simple, like taking a nice hot shower, or making some crazy sandwiches. You should try it out. It helped me get out of bed many times Oh, and my morning coffie fix! And know that's straight up routine at this point but I always enjoyed it.

Thank you. I'll try something too. Well, I always enjoyed eating but now food feels numb. I'm eating rn but can't say I enjoy it - just eating very fast because I'm hungry, lol. Also, I love to talk to my bf but now that I moved to another city, our time difference fucked up. It's only 4 hours but very uncomfortable. :( Used to be an hour. I love playing DBD and watching the content. Guess I will do it. Thanks again. Hope you'll have a good day.

 

[w1ngedpearl]

Idk why but I feel a bit better when I'm at home alone. My mom and brother went somewhere. I just can't feel good when they're here talking. Guess it's because of the contrast between how "normal" and "alive" they are and how messed up I am. Besides that, I feel guilty around them for being myself. :^) I just wanna talk to my bf, last time we talked before I went to the airport. Maybe it'll help somehow. :^)

 

[w1ngedpearl]

Miss my bf a lot. He has work, so it's harder to find time to talk considering our time difference. I haven't talked to anyone yet, my mom was in my room few times to ask to eat and that's it. I don't want to talk to her or to my brother as well. When they are around, I'm ashamed to make even a slightest noise, to go out, to use a toilet, lmao. That's honestly how I feel. I feel like I'd want to be "normal" too - talk, laugh and be happy about something like I used to, at least go to a shop with them but I can't. Every time I cut this idea off because I feel so much guilt. I'm shy to be in my house, I hate when they mention me. In the apartment I was alone and could do what I want. Here I feel trapped and suffocated. Tbh all my pathetic life is like a suffocating trap, lol. I wanna cry

I can't even fucking cry normally here. I wanna do it loud but all I can is to have some tears silently because I don't want to draw any attention. I hate this fucking room, hate my life and myself. So fucking stupid to continue living. For what? No purpose, no sense, no idea. Fuck this life.

Honestly, I feel like I'm being annoying even to my bf. Everyone who I know would feel better without me. My birth and existence are 2 big mistakes.

It was so idiotic not to end my life when had a chance. Felt bad about my bf. Omg, he can easily find someone else. He will forget me fast.

 

[w1ngedpearl]

My bf helps my mood a lot. I feel like a queen when we're talking, lol, also forget about everything bad. The days are fucking boring tho. It's cool to be able to stay in my room, not to worry about money or food and do nothing but I wish I was able to go somewhere. I wanna walk and buy something tasty and unhealthy for myself - maybe a cake, a burger or chips. Tasty food always helped me to feel a bit better. Sucks to be a loser without money. I'm so fed up with this shitty life where you're nothing without money and can't be happy or do what you want by yourself. Not everyone is lucky or smart enough.

Still feel ashamed of myself, go out of my room only when no one is around. Everything feels so pathetic. No idea when I'll try going to therapy. Maybe my mom changed her mind and thinks I'll be better if I just rest here, lol. It's expensive and I'll feel ashamed again to waste my mom's money on it.

Still don't understand what I want. I want to bring back old times when I seemed to be normal and was "worth" something. I don't care it was fake - at least I was happy somehow. Now everyone knows I'm crazy, lost, stupid and pathetic. What a joke.

 

[w1ngedpearl]

What a shitty day and night. Can't fall asleep at all. It was a big mistake to come here. I don't want anything or anyone. Useless life.
I want to fall asleep and never wake up.

 

[w1ngedpearl]

Another pathetic day. I feel like I annoy everyone, even my bf. Have nothing to do, no one to talk to. I wish I didn't come here. So fucking boring and unbearable. I don't feel like I'm a human - just pathetic parody. My classmate wanted to meet on weekend. I like her but have no mood to go anywhere. Idk what I'm gonna do. i don't wanna do anything at all. Guess I'm tired of existing

 

[w1ngedpearl]

Idk why but every time my mom talks to me - my mood becomes worse. She came in my room and asked why do I spend all day here, suggested to go outside for a while or drink some tea. I don't want anything tbh. Also, I'm ashamed to go out. I can't eat when any of them (my mom or my brother) is around. I always felt ashamed to eat in front of anyone but now I just feel ashamed of every part of me. It's not about self-pity, it's about my mom. I feel worse because I realize how hard is it to have such a burden as your daughter. I'm the worst daughter ever. I wouldn't wish anyone like me even on my worst enemy (if I had one, lol). Feel like shit even more. I should've died rather than continue being a burden. I'm tired of feeling guilt constantly.

Feeling guilty is so fucking painful. Realizing that you're nothing but a nuisance and a problem to everyone in your life is even more painful.

I don't remember when was the last time I laughed. I used to laugh a lot at stupidest things. Now I can barely make myself smile.
\
Guess I should go out and drink that fucking tea as my mom asked me. I don't want and can't but this guilt is gonna eat me alive. I should do at least something she asks me or I'm gonna cry all fucking night again.

 

[w1ngedpearl]

I didn't go out. I'm too ashamed of my presence and have no mood. I hate myself. Idk what I want, Idk why I'm still alive, Idk why my mom wastes her time and money on me. She has 2 sons who are smart and successful, they would be enough, and I deserve to be fucking left behind. I really don't understand what went wrong with me.

 

[w1ngedpearl]

It's 3 a.m. for me, another useless day passed. I want to wake up only because my bf told we can talk in the morning. Hope the plans won't change or I'll be sad all day again, ngl. xd What a pathetic life. No comments. I'm very tired. I feel strange - I wanna go out but at the same time I feel so bad and am afraid to leave this "comfort zone" because without constant distraction (internet) my thoughts make my mood even worse.