Venting I can't keep lying anymore

[heirofvoid]

I'm so tired. I come home from a job interview and get asked about my graduation. So I worry about my interviews and lying about my education to my family. I'm so fucking exhausted I don't think I can keep this up anymore. My last straw is May since it's just impossible to fake at all.

I'm trying to look for a job so I can leave and just tell them why I dropped college after I've gotten therapy but jesus christ I don't expect to immediately get a job in a month. Even if I do I won't have enough money saved to move out. I'm still stuck! I'm just so tired. How the hell do I even tell them that after all these years, I still don't know what to do with my stupid life.

I know I've been saying I should CTB but god is it fucking hard to even try. The fear of failing and surviving it is another form of humiliation that I just can't bear. But I don't know how to perfectly do the methods either! Like yes guides exist but our bodies are different so what works for some might not work for me! It's so frustrating! And I'm just tired!

I can't keep lying anymore. It has exhausted me so much. If I still can't get a job by the end of April. Well, I don't know. One last ruckus for my family then.

 

[pikku.tiikeri]

I feel your pain. I keep lying to myself that I'm going to commit suicide one day, but I can't seem to gather the courage to do it. I keep living although I don't want to. I'm a coward who lies to myself. I don't know for how long I will be able to continue this miserable existence.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds very stressful what you are going through. I know that it is hard to carry on when you are so tired. Ctb really is so difficult and more than anything I wish that it is easier to leave this world. All that I want is to peacefully pass away. I'm sorry that you are going through this. I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do.