i can't do this anymore.

[hyacinths]

i just got fired from my "dream job" as a barista, three weeks into the job, and i know it's my fault completely. i loved the coworkers i had and being around coffee seems like a dream, but i had to take public transit to work which continually kept me late. i finally got too anxious to go in today and, despite knowing how bad it would look, just no called no showed. it's my fault. i had been unemployed for almost a year and just had barely found this job which i really liked but, turns out, i ended up fucking it all up again. i can't keep a job, i have so many debts to pay, and yet i still sit here in my bed and spend all of my money on alcohol or weed or anything else that will make real life seem easier. i can't handle all of this work, i feel up to my neck in shit that i dug into and now i can't even force myself to do what i need to anymore. I'm tired of giving myself hope that I'm gonna get better because in twenty-one fucking years it obviously is not going to get better. i am so tired of being alive, yet im so fucking terrified to die that i stay here and keep consuming resources and time into an empty shell of a person. im not going to be alive soon. but i can't die because its too soon to Christmas and my mom couldn't handle it. i can't die, but i cant live properly, im like a fucking zombie and i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate me i fucking hate myself so much

 

[FuneralCry]

Living is very painful. I understand it is hard to carry on when you are constantly suffering. I'm sorry you are going through this. I am also very tired of being alive. I wish you the best, I hope you find the peace you are looking for.

 

[rationaltake]

I do understand. I really do. I imagine it seems impossible now. But. It's obvious you love the job. Could you think of getting in touch and explaining? It seems you have nothing to lose by doing that. Maybe a coworker could give you a lift. I know what it's like when everything hurts. Take care.