I don't think there's a real practical solution to it, it's a matter of self resolve and a battle within the self. Loneliness is a great factor but even if you weren't alone the kind souls willing to help with something deep and obscure are incredibly rare and you wouldn't want to depend on someone else. Most people say they are kind and willing to help others but in the end they want to solve the easy problems of others to feel superior or better about themselves and when faced with a life that is truly problematic and burdened by pain and trauma and so on they shy away and even turn hostile.
I'm sorry if this is a bit too harsh.
Doctors are the only one who can be a life jacket for this feeling of being unable to reach out I think.
Two years is a long time but you can probably do it, relapses will always happen and you will still rebound to the old ways from time to time but this doesn't invalidate your struggle. The mere fact that you are in the recovery section shows that you still can face it and it's not bad to have this as a place of comfort.
What kind of academics are you into exactly?
Thanks for taking the time to write this. It really helps when i read what others write to me or if i interact with people, so i am glad you and the others posted in this thread. About your advice in the first paragraph, i do understand that people aren't naturally so generous so as to help others or be a life support of some sort, but i was referring to the fact that even after knowing this my heart yearns to not be alone, to have someone by my side at times, helping me enjoy things. But i do understand that it's not practical and i should not lean on these thoughts too much.
I agree with your point about doctors. I sort of didn't like the idea of therapy and things because the thought of paying people to pretend to be there with me seemed weird to me. I know this is a very narrow mindset that does not take into consideration many other wonders of therapy and stuffs. I'll think about doctors though, sure. Just the fact that i don't earn anything right now would make it difficult to access any good doctors.
By the way i just don't prefer to look at my relapses as natural things, there are people who want it more badly i guess and they do it without any relapse. I just don't know where i lack and it feels like so many things from different aspects of my life tackle me at same time and paying attention to every single one of them just feels messy so i don't pay any heed to anything at all, just let it all rest. What you said was comforting though, and i was seeking comfort at the time i posted this.
I am in Science Technology Engineering and Mathematics. I passed High school with Physics, Chemistry, Mathematics, Computer Science and English as my subjects. I didn't score enough in any though, hence the difficulty in joining a college.
Post Script: I haven't been on the website for some days so i couldn't see any of the replies. Now that i see them, i am grateful to every person that wrote something and am replying to all.
The desire for human connection is very powerful and there is no direct substitute for it. However, there are combinations of copes that can reduce the negative impacts of its absence.
There are a few things I'm willing to share that I think could be of value. To start, I was raised from birth to do it alone. It was explained to me in my adulthood that the negligence I experienced as a child was intentional. So that I wouldn't grow up needing people. This was half successful. I grew up not wanting people, but unfortunately, whether we like it or not, we all need people in some capacity. All they did was raise an emotionally incompetent man with a higher tolerance for isolation than most, and a high degree of self-reliance.
I am only just discovering that my highest social motivator is competition (though in an absolute sense this is still low). Praise and shame have no effect on me. Tangible rewards and prestige are middling. Turns out I'm naturally antagonistic. Who would've guessed it? If I wanted to row a marathon I'd want to know what the best times are and then I'd want to be among the best at the very least. I don't care about medals. I don't need a cash prize, though that would be nice. And I don't need anyone there telling me they believe in me, or that I did a good job, or cheering me on. But without a best time to measure myself against the motivation to push myself to a certain time is entirely abstract. This still counts as needing other people.
The lesson here is to figure out exactly how you need other people in order to stay motivated. What does doing it for other people mean? What do you gain from doing it for someone else that you don't gain from doing it for yourself? You can't decide on a substitute if you don't know what role you need a substitute for.
That's the how to the doing part. Now how to cope with being by yourself.
A couple years ago I was finally able to figure out a major key to my progress by journaling. I was in a relationship and a situation arose that made me reflect a lot on my life. Here's a modified summary of the entry.
~~~
"[Ex] has a type. It's [type]. It's how she found me. I'm her type. I wasn't the only person she found. There was a man that she was seeing before me who re-entered her life. She chose to make herself available to him. All this because he has no one and wants support. She said he reminds her of me. But that she can't let him go through what I went through because he's used to having someone for support. Funny. That means he's nothing like me at all.
It's been a few days since we had our conversation but in talking less and thinking more and in revisiting past versions of myself, I found some memories.
Context. It starts with the fact that I was never nurtured for emotional expression. I have tried to fight this and it has not gone in my favor. The truth is that I have three emotional outlets: art, labor, and sex. Now I also have a journal. Talking about my feelings with others is useless to me."
~~~
I cut a lot out of it and the relationship portion is not important except as context to figuring this out, but the relevant parts are there. Talking things out, "being supported" (I don't even know what that means), and those traditional socials methods of comfort don't do anything for me at all. In previous attempts at recovery I did make an effort to seek and try some of these and they were neutral experiences at best. When experiencing burdensome emotions I found 3 outlets.
Art: Making or consuming it are both cathartic. This can take any form you choose. Music, painting, dance, poetry, etc. Instead of getting someone to listen to me talk I'd much rather do any of these.
Labour: This is any rewarding exertion. This could be working out, cleaning your house, longer hours at the office or more freelance jobs, anything that gets you paid more. The goal is to get out of yourself and pour yourself into something external and worthwhile that you will have something to show for by the end of it instead of dragging your emotions around with you everywhere.
Do it. If you feel as though you have so much inside of you that you could just go in writing about it, go on writing about it until there's nothing left to write.
As for destructive addictions. I used to self-harm a lot when I was younger. After I was released from the hospital and was stumbling about life trying to make sense of it all I ended up joining kickboxing. This might have looked like a positive change but really I was only doing it because it was socially acceptable self-harm. I had to beat my shins with a pvc pipe as part of my conditioning. I enjoyed it and overdoing it just looked like dedication. My trainer had to stop me and he took away the pipe. Just because you crave destruction and oblivion doesn't mean it can't manifest in a way that still benefits you in some way instead of sending you all the way back to zero.
If what you desire in companionship is someone to care for, you can always get a pet or a plant. Like I said at the start, there is no true substitute for human companionship, but some combination of these things might be enough to get you by as you continue on your recovery journey. Hope this helps.
It's like i have been this person you're talking about. Although not the same thing as you describe but when i read your views on seeking accomplices, it feels like i have had these thoughts before or i had written these things down somewhere, long ago.
I can't thank you enough for all of this. I'll be bookmarking the post to remember a few things off of it. I am glad you shared a personal experience, i could understand stuffs better by having the right amount of contexts.
What do you gain from doing it for someone else that you don't gain from doing it for yourself?
I have only done it for one person selflessly really, if we don't consider relations. I am not sure if it could be called selfless but considering how i usually am with people, it'd would be my most selfless attitude i ever had possibly.
i did it for them because it just felt good i guess, it gave me a purpose. As if it was my life's goal to just keep them safe and in utmost comfort. I genuinely would smile if they would so i think it was just the fact i didn't have to feel worthless or purposeless while was taking care of people, being with them. It could be a small world with nobody caring about what's going on with the real world. I am not good at expressing myself with words, i haven't practiced enough lately.
Do it. If you feel as though you have so much inside of you that you could just go in writing about it, go on writing about it until there's nothing left to write.
I keep thinking about it you know. It seems like the best thing to do. I just procrastinate sometimes since i have better copes. I definitely think of this though.
By reading things you mentioned in the reply, i really think you had things messed up for you. It's like there's both a curse and a gift in isolation and i experienced that too.
Thanks again for posting this man, i needed to hear those things really.
I've lived alone for over 20 years so, I do have experience of that. I may have had less health challenges though. For me, as other members have said, fear of failure has been a great motivator for me in life.
I think joining a course or finding a job is a good motivator because it brings in the real prospect of failure. It's so easy to be complacent when you don't absolutely have to do something. Having real negative consequences, a structure and a goal helped me to focus.
Really though, in any given moment- we likely know what we should be doing. I've reached a stage where I'm so incredibly lazy. In all honesty, it pleases me to be lazy now. I know I can't fail completely though. At some point, I'll need to get my shit together. But- I know the chores I ought to be doing right now for instance. What should you be doing now?
I sort of suspect we all know. We just choose not to do them. I suppose you have to force yourself into a position where you have to do them. You have to get up and shower to go to work or study. You will have had to have washed your clothes and got food in, paid the bills etc. Have you lived alone before?
It's tough. It's great that you figured out the right way to get things done and i think i understand it too. But i don't have a job yet since i haven't even finished a college degree. Neither do i live alone. I live with my parents actually, so i have things being easy for me at the moment. Sure i can't blame the situations for making me this guy. Me procrastinating was my own ignorance for the right things and i think i need to have that pressure built on me in order to get stuff started again, like you said. It's just that it seems good to dream about this, a fresh start, but it's never as smooth as " Just get it done ". There's going to be challenges once it begins, challenges that are hidden at the moment.
You said a lot of true things here though. I am really glad i could stumble upon this reply, it meant a lot. A real experience of the things i was feeling as well as comfort, was something i was looking for when i posted my part.
