Venting I can't deal with this body anymore.

[MoralApathy]

I hate my vagina. I hate being born a woman. I hate that even if I transition into a male, I still won't feel desirable because I won't have a penis. I hate that even as a WOMAN I feel undesirable without a penis. I hate that I can't talk about this without having my feelings minimized. I hate that I can't even be an ally because of my chronic envy of trans women. I hate that if I would probably CHOOSE to be one regardless of dysphoria if I could. I hate that I've posted about this before and can't seem to get any better. I give up. This good person shit isn't working for me anymore. My inferiority complex is too strong and being socially acceptable is too hard on my mental health. I'm one more transphobe accusation away from coming out as double trans or smth so I can feel special again. Like woman who just has dysphoria about having female natal parts. God knows I'm not getting that as a man. Especially one with no weiner. Fml. (Also I will SH for each person who calls me a TERF in the replies. I'm in no mental state to handle that crap like a mature human being.)

 

[eatantz]

I relate. I want to cut myself until my body rots. I hate having a vagina. I hate being a woman.... wish I never even existed

 

[Alexandra_]

I relate. I want to cut myself until my body rots. I hate having a vagina. I hate being a woman.... wish I never even existed

I hate being a woman, too. I don't want to be trapped in this body; I feel sickened by every single cell of it

 

[crossingtheriver]

Reading your post I cried uncontrollably. I am a male with penis yet I can relate with you on so many levels. I deal with the same feelings of inferiority complex for different reasons, hating body parts, the emotional pain trying to be social acceptable / trying to be a good person, the fall-out that comes with failing at it. I also have this chronic envy of good looking men, this started from my childhood. I am 33 now, still I see any good looking man at any setting (be it workplace, public place ) I just stop there and immediately jump into this mad inferiority complex loop that ravages me from inside. It's like I feel castrated by any man who fits my requirements for being the 'ideal'. I just want to be 'special'. My therapist asked me 'why I am obsessed with always being the special'. I don't know. Fuck it's something so seriously wrong with my brain. My teenage, twenties and now into 30s, all wasted.

I try to be a good person, but I can't. This is the default state of my brain. I just want to feel calm even though I am scared of the unknown that comes after death, I am preparing myself to overcome that.

 

[eatantz]

Reading your post I cried uncontrollably. I am a male with penis yet I can relate with you on so many levels. I deal with the same feelings of inferiority complex for different reasons, hating body parts, the emotional pain trying to be social acceptable / trying to be a good person, the fall-out that comes with failing at it. I also have this chronic envy of good looking men, this started from my childhood. I am 33 now, still I see any good looking man at any setting (be it workplace, public place ) I just stop there and immediately jump into this mad inferiority complex loop that ravages me from inside. It's like I feel castrated by any man who fits my requirements for being the 'ideal'. I just want to be 'special'. My therapist asked me 'why I am obsessed with always being the special'. I don't know. Fuck it's something so seriously wrong with my brain. My teenage, twenties and now into 30s, all wasted.

I try to be a good person, but I can't. This is the default state of my brain. I just want to feel calm even though I am scared of the unknown that comes after death, I am preparing myself to overcome that.

Fuck this was beautifully written; I'm also obsessed with wanting to be 'special'. I'm turning 21, and I know the longer I live, the worse my self-loathing will become

 

[Playingwiththedead]

I hate my vagina. I hate being born a woman. I hate that even if I transition into a male, I still won't feel desirable because I won't have a penis. I hate that even as a WOMAN I feel undesirable without a penis. I hate that I can't talk about this without having my feelings minimized. I hate that I can't even be an ally because of my chronic envy of trans women. I hate that if I would probably CHOOSE to be one regardless of dysphoria if I could. I hate that I've posted about this before and can't seem to get any better. I give up. This good person shit isn't working for me anymore. My inferiority complex is too strong and being socially acceptable is too hard on my mental health. I'm one more transphobe accusation away from coming out as double trans or smth so I can feel special again. Like woman who just has dysphoria about having female natal parts. God knows I'm not getting that as a man. Especially one with no weiner. Fml. (Also I will SH for each person who calls me a TERF in the replies. I'm in no mental state to handle that crap like a mature human being.)

I know how it feels, kinda. Im mtf. Dysphoria absolutely tears my mind apart and i will be so glad when i go to the afterlife and my visual of myself is in perfect form like nothing terrible ever happened in my coming to earth. I have seen myself in that form before and its astonishing!, on top of all the other amazing things i have seen. The afterlife is truly like an opposite of earth if earth has been especially terrible to you, if you dont align with something/ or multiple things you experienced on earth,they wont be there, thats why i want to go so bad

 

[Bruce]

Wanting to be special kind of goes away when you realize that if you lived by a (good) code you ARE special. Or maybe not special but better then most. And not even because you are better then most but because most are just shit.

Or maybe it goes away because you simply realize it just does not matter. I mean what is special anyway!?

And what's wrong with being a woman? Why do you hate is so much?

 

[Playingwiththedead]

Wanting to be special kind of goes away when you realize that if you lived by a (good) code you ARE special. Or maybe not special but better then most. And not even because you are better then most but because most are just shit.

Or maybe it goes away because you simply realize it just does not matter. I mean what is special anyway!?

And what's wrong with being a woman? Why do you hate is so much?

Look up gender dysphoria next time before you make comments like these!

 

[Bruce]

Look up gender dysphoria next time before you make comments like these!

It seems to me that you took offense in something that I said. What part(s) of my comments offended you?

 

[MoralApathy]

I know how it feels, kinda. Im mtf. Dysphoria absolutely tears my mind apart and i will be so glad when i go to the afterlife and my visual of myself is in perfect form like nothing terrible ever happened in my coming to earth. I have seen myself in that form before and its astonishing!, on top of all the other amazing things i have seen. The afterlife is truly like an opposite of earth if earth has been especially terrible to you, if you dont align with something/ or multiple things you experienced on earth,they wont be there, thats why i want to go so bad

Wanting to be special kind of goes away when you realize that if you lived by a (good) code you ARE special. Or maybe not special but better then most. And not even because you are better then most but because most are just shit.

Or maybe it goes away because you simply realize it just does not matter. I mean what is special anyway!?

And what's wrong with being a woman? Why do you hate is so much?

I don't hate being a woman. I hate being a woman with a vagina. It's weird. It's like I have dysphoria over having natal woman parts but not about having a woman identity or whatever. This started very recently. I just don't feel like I'm enough as a cis woman and would feel more desirable as trans woman. (I know how this sounds but Im too depressed to care.)

 

[Somewhat Suicidal]

If I understand you correctly you want to be a woman with a penis, aka a a transman woman (because you wouldn't give up the gender identity of being a woman despite having male genitals). Did I get that correctly?

I just don't feel like I'm enough as a cis woman and would feel more desirable as trans woman.

Although here you only say trans woman which would mean being born as a man and then transitioning to being a woman, including genitals unless I'm totally lost on terminology now?!

Sorry if this sounds ignorant, just trying to understand.

I'm one more transphobe accusation away from coming out as double trans or smth so I can feel special again. Like woman who just has dysphoria about having female natal parts. God knows I'm not getting that as a man. Especially one with no weiner.

Why would the transphobes not hate on a man with no penis (aka a trans woman)?

 

[Bruce]

I don't hate being a woman. I hate being a woman with a vagina. It's weird. It's like I have dysphoria over having natal woman parts but not about having a woman identity or whatever. This started very recently. I just don't feel like I'm enough as a cis woman and would feel more desirable as trans woman. (I know how this sounds but Im too depressed to care.)

I don't know how it sounds, this is why I ask, I try to understand. And I think I do, understand, at least a little. It's like I'm ok with being a guy but I don't like having a penis. I'm not sure how I would feel about that or if I could overcome it at some point. I tell you what though, I think there's nothing wrong with being anything, any gender, any kind of person as long as you don't hurt other people, animals, plants around you. I mean I'm certainly not judging you and I respect your wishes.

 

[MoralApathy]

If I understand you correctly you want to be a woman with a penis, aka a a transman woman (because you wouldn't give up the gender identity of being a woman despite having male genitals). Did I get that correctly?


Although here you only say trans woman which would mean being born as a man and then transitioning to being a woman, including genitals unless I'm totally lost on terminology now?!

Sorry if this sounds ignorant, just trying to understand.


Why would the transphobes not hate on a man with no penis (aka a trans woman)?

1. Yes.
2. If I was born a man, I would transition into a woman without changing my genitals. Aka a "chick with a dick." Then the worlds phallocentrism would make me feel desirable.
3. I meant to say I won't feel special or loved as a man with a vag.
Basically I hate my natal parts but want to keep my gender identity as a woman.

 

[Somewhat Suicidal]

Thanks for answering and enlightening me ^^

Then the world's phallocentrism would make me feel desirable.

I however can't say that as a cis-male I don't feel like any phallocentrism exists in practise or would make me feel desirable – or desired by any objective measure. I feel absolutely invisible as a straight cis-guy 99% of the time, infinite times more than my cis-female peers who get plenty of attention as you might or might not know from personal experience.
But this might be more about your feeling that I obviously cannot relate to whatsoever, gender dysphoria after all is totally foreign to me.

Basically I hate my natal parts but want to keep my gender identity as a woman.

What keeps you from transitioning that way, genitals yes, but not identity?