I am scared of am inevitable future I don’t want.

[SomedayorNexttime]

I desperately want out, and I don't think I want to see the future. Even when I sit in bed and wonder about the world 50 years from now, I convince myself nothing interesting would happen that I'd want to see/be able to experience.

I'm scared waking up on top of this. I don't want to wake up, I don't want to see the next day. I have no friends, I have no life. I am the biggest weirdo loser I know. Just today I got my millionth rejection email from retail job. My debt increases by the day. I know it'll not get better than this for at least the next two to ten years. It's like someone placed a spell on me to fail. Or maybe I just am not made for success.

I don't want to see the next day, or the next month, or year. The only thing that would console me is easy access to some kind of method that could get me out of here so that if things get their hardest, I can always bail quickly. But I have no money or access to tall ledges or even a highway. So… I just sit on my ass and wait for something to happen. I want out so bad. I wanna CTB but I don't have money for the fare.

I already know when I get back into college I'll just have a hard time again. And after I graduate, I'll spend years trying to use my business degree to get a job and it won't work since the degree isn't strong or I don't have enough experience. So I'll work a shit job under my family's roof and get nowhere, on top of having no friends and no social life. It makes my throat feel tight thinking about it.

I'm scared of the future because I am certain it isn't worth it. I will make no money. I will never fall in love or sleep with someone. I'll never live alone. I'll never have a good job. I'll never travel, I'll never make friends again, I'll never go to a club or sell art or own a car or go to a concert or shop alone or have any story in my life to tell other than the ones in my crazed daydreams. I will never be attractive, or as smart as I wish, or capable no matter what I do to myself or how hard I try. At least in my imagination I have a full life, but that's it.

It feels like I'm strapped on a train I know is going to crash and I just want to prevent myself from feeling the pain of the impact.

 

[enjoytheride]

I am sorry you are going through all this, feeling like a prisoner to reality. I cannot help but see you are making many bold suppositions about yourself and the future. In life, we are far from guaranteed that all will be fine, even if we are born rich (although the likelihood is much higher then). But in the same way, we can't really be sure that things will be bad either. Heraclutis is credited with saying that the only constant thing is change. And this means that not only you will change over time, but things around you.

You seem to be on the right track despite all the trouble - you are studying and you will graduate in the near future. This is really good. There is no way your chances of finding a job will stay the same after you graduate. Besides this, if you are able to find even a part-time job or volunteering opportunities in the meantime, this will only help you gain experience and find jobs more easily in the future.

There have to be other possibilites, beside CTB. You are a young person, be kind to yourself - don't belittle yourself. You have inherent value, no matter what society or specific people say or do. Nothing is lost for good, you can build and rebuild in life as many times as necessary.

If you have the time and will, have a look at this e-book: https://qprinstitute.com/pdfs/Forever_Decision.pdf

It can help you see things differently.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand as I also have so much dread for what lies ahead, all I want is to be gone, I just want to never exist ever again and I always suffer so much from how I cannot just have the option to cease existing painlessly that is guaranteed, I hope you find the relief you search for, I wish you the best.