Help I am beyond help. Im exhausted by trying. I have no hope of anything. I hate that im still alive

[needtodienow]

My entire life is a shitshow. I've never been good at expressing myself but here goes nothing...

I was born to dysfunctional parents who thankfully divorced. My mom raised me and my younger sister. My sister is perfect in a conventional way. Beautiful and super intelligent...

I am lanky and wiry and too tsll ... I'm autistic and I never did well in school I hated it and couldn't grasp mathematics at all. Graduated high school by family prestige only....
So the time.....
Born in 89 sister year and a half later. Parents divorced due to Vietnam vet dad's violence and wife beating/attempted murder.
Me mom an sister move to California grow up there...
I never fit in was super shy . Never made friends until middle school. Then I was moved to a new middle school.... fuck... high school was a shitshow especially the last 2 years. In my jr year I went to 3 new schools in 3 new states in 5 months... I never had a lot of friends growing up and when me my mom and sister moved to tucson I lost contact. After we moved out of California to tucson in 2007 I was shipped off to finish high school at my dad's in rural Tennessee... fuck that was hell ad a gay kid... so need less to say when high school was over I went back to tucson and started working.... oh boy the misery. As a gay man working blue collar jobs is shit... my first job was a plant nursery in Tucson...mvg... fuck what a mess death threats rape threats attempted murder.... no job I have had was good . I'm 36 and unemployed now...in fact not being able to keep a job is one of the main reasons I have to die. I'm rambling. I'm so upset. I'm just going to do a list of why I'm so fucking fucked. 1im gay 2 I'm autistic 3 I have a brain injury broken teeth. 5 cptsd 6 ptsd from attempted murder s 7no one has ever loved me. Not family. Not friends because I am to negative and damage, e

My entire life is a shitshow. I've never been good at expressing myself but here goes nothing...

I was born to dysfunctional parents who thankfully divorced. My mom raised me and my younger sister. My sister is perfect in a conventional way. Beautiful and super intelligent...

I am lanky and wiry and too tsll ... I'm autistic and I never did well in school I hated it and couldn't grasp mathematics at all. Graduated high school by family prestige only....
So the time.....
Born in 89 sister year and a half later. Parents divorced due to Vietnam vet dad's violence and wife beating/attempted murder.
Me mom an sister move to California grow up there...
I never fit in was super shy . Never made friends until middle school. Then I was moved to a new middle school.... fuck... high school was a shitshow especially the last 2 years. In my jr year I went to 3 new schools in 3 new states in 5 months... I never had a lot of friends growing up and when me my mom and sister moved to tucson I lost contact. After we moved out of California to tucson in 2007 I was shipped off to finish high school at my dad's in rural Tennessee... fuck that was hell ad a gay kid... so need less to say when high school was over I went back to tucson and started working.... oh boy the misery. As a gay man working blue collar jobs is shit... my first job was a plant nursery in Tucson...mvg... fuck what a mess death threats rape threats attempted murder.... no job I have had was good . I'm 36 and unemployed now...in fact not being able to keep a job is one of the main reasons I have to die. I'm rambling. I'm so upset. I'm just going to do a list of why I'm so fucking fucked. 1im gay 2 I'm autistic 3 I have a brain injury broken teeth. 5 cptsd 6 ptsd from attempted murder s 7no one has ever loved me. Not family. Not friends because I am to negative and damage, e

Sorry I fucked up I can't even do this right... no one has ever loved me I've been alone my whole life 8 my sisters legal mess with the university and robbing them. 9 my sister and her nazi boyfriend robbing the university she was studying at and then they go on the run. 9 my sister and her nazi boyfriend trying to murder me .10 my sister disappearing for 2 years no contact, family blamesme.11 my father's death from cancer. 12 my half sister robbing me of my inheritance. 13 being hit by a car on a bike and left for dead. 14 brain injury from said bicycle wreck. 15 broken teeth from bicycle wreck. 16. Lonely 17. Lifelong clinical depression. 18.a attempted murder in 2021 .19. Being alone my whole life. 20 . Trying to make my family love me, I failed. 21 trying to have friends. I haven't had any confidence in ever... fuck I'm pretty pathetic huh. Good thing I have my suicide method in my waist band.....

 

[eternallyjanedoe]

I've read your post, and I can relate to quite a few things you've said here. If anything, I think you've expressed yourself pretty well here. It's really, really hard to do that over text especially. In my opinion, you did a great job at articulating yourself in this post!

Speaking of expressing and speaking of relatability:
I'm also skinny, lanky and a little too tall for where I stand. I guess that does seem to repel people, doesn't it? I don't know, maybe where I live is just filled with people who are shorter.
And jobs! Jobs have been so awful these past years, and I really don't blame you for being unemployed. I, too, am unemployed. It's like no matter how good you are, you never get the job! Damned if you do, damned if you don't. It's such a whirlwind...
I'm unsure if we live in similar areas, probably not, but it feels like we experience similar things even if they are so different in context.

I'm so sorry the system has just been screwing you over time and time again, but I hope knowing that at least one other person has a similar experience will make things a little less lonely, even if barely. If it didn't at all, that's alright too!

 

[needtodienow]

I've read your post, and I can relate to quite a few things you've said here. If anything, I think you've expressed yourself pretty well here. It's really, really hard to do that over text especially. In my opinion, you did a great job at articulating yourself in this post!

Speaking of expressing and speaking of relatability:
I'm also skinny, lanky and a little too tall for where I stand. I guess that does seem to repel people, doesn't it? I don't know, maybe where I live is just filled with people who are shorter.
And jobs! Jobs have been so awful these past years, and I really don't blame you for being unemployed. I, too, am unemployed. It's like no matter how good you are, you never get the job! Damned if you do, damned if you don't. It's such a whirlwind...
I'm unsure if we live in similar areas, probably not, but it feels like we experience similar things even if they are so different in context.

I'm so sorry the system has just been screwing you over time and time again, but I hope knowing that at least one other person has a similar experience will make things a little less lonely, even if barely. If it didn't at all, that's alright too!

Thank you for responding to me and for your kindness . I'm so exhausted from this hellscape life I don't really know what to say.

 

[Hollowman]

Same here. I should've went through with my plan when I was twelve. Almost forty years ago.

 

[needtodienow]

My entire life is a shitshow. I've never been good at expressing myself but here goes nothing...

I was born to dysfunctional parents who thankfully divorced. My mom raised me and my younger sister. My sister is perfect in a conventional way. Beautiful and super intelligent...

I am lanky and wiry and too tsll ... I'm autistic and I never did well in school I hated it and couldn't grasp mathematics at all. Graduated high school by family prestige only....
So the time.....
Born in 89 sister year and a half later. Parents divorced due to Vietnam vet dad's violence and wife beating/attempted murder.
Me mom an sister move to California grow up there...
I never fit in was super shy . Never made friends until middle school. Then I was moved to a new middle school.... fuck... high school was a shitshow especially the last 2 years. In my jr year I went to 3 new schools in 3 new states in 5 months... I never had a lot of friends growing up and when me my mom and sister moved to tucson I lost contact. After we moved out of California to tucson in 2007 I was shipped off to finish high school at my dad's in rural Tennessee... fuck that was hell ad a gay kid... so need less to say when high school was over I went back to tucson and started working.... oh boy the misery. As a gay man working blue collar jobs is shit... my first job was a plant nursery in Tucson...mvg... fuck what a mess death threats rape threats attempted murder.... no job I have had was good . I'm 36 and unemployed now...in fact not being able to keep a job is one of the main reasons I have to die. I'm rambling. I'm so upset. I'm just going to do a list of why I'm so fucking fucked. 1im gay 2 I'm autistic 3 I have a brain injury broken teeth. 5 cptsd 6 ptsd from attempted murder s 7no one has ever loved me. Not family. Not friends because I am to negative and damage, e

Sorry I fucked up I can't even do this right... no one has ever loved me I've been alone my whole life 8 my sisters legal mess with the university and robbing them. 9 my sister and her nazi boyfriend robbing the university she was studying at and then they go on the run. 9 my sister and her nazi boyfriend trying to murder me .10 my sister disappearing for 2 years no contact, family blamesme.11 my father's death from cancer. 12 my half sister robbing me of my inheritance. 13 being hit by a car on a bike and left for dead. 14 brain injury from said bicycle wreck. 15 broken teeth from bicycle wreck. 16. Lonely 17. Lifelong clinical depression. 18.a attempted murder in 2021 .19. Being alone my whole life. 20 . Trying to make my family love me, I failed. 21 trying to have friends. I haven't had any confidence in ever... fuck I'm pretty pathetic huh. Good thing I have my suicide method in my waist band.....

But wait there's more!!!!!! 22. The five years of mexican prison my sister did when her and nazi boyfriend were caught making and importing drugs internationally after running from the dea and us.......23. My sis never apologized to me for anything and refused too indefinitely...24 my mom losing her shit and punishing me by kicking me out of the house as a kid , starting at 12 ended never....fun being homeless for a night or two as a 12 year old... happened every week till I was shipped off to finish high school in Tennessee....24 piss poor relationshit with my father. Shocker right;) however at least he kinda tried sometimes. More than anyone else did . Unless gaslighting couts...25all the years I wasted trying to have family relationships. 26 all the shit tucson jobs with bigoted coworkers. 27 only having the worst parts of being gay be my reality. Like no love. No sex in years. No romantic. Never no boyfriend ever. Only bigoted assholes insulting you in public. Only being fired and being called a fag during the process... or not being hired in the first place. It usually used to take 6 months of constant applications and follow up s for anything. If I was lucky. Some times years have gone by.... yeah fun... 28 I've spent my whole adult life poor alone in pain of every kind. I can't function anymore. Seriously I haven't showered in days I'm barely eating and I'm just collapsing in the shade and staring blankly all day... 29 I've been too fucked up for to long. I have no confidence around people anymore I feel dirty and just off around most if not all people. Everyone else has some ability to make connections. Every one else has so much less pain than me. Even out here on the street there are people who are in love and people who have real friends and then there's me ..... a fucking corpse. 30. Being a social liability to most people. As a gay man most straight men will not have anything to do with me. However sometimes it's a while before they figure it out and then whoops can't be your friend anymore.... I know it's silly but it still hurts...31the ptsd and the brain injury. I have memory issues and that makes it even worse to try to get to know anyone. 32 there's more but I'm exhausted