Venting i cant try at anything

[nigoisboring]

i grew up extremely privileged and ive never really had to try at anything. im trying to transfer colleges right now and its all just coming to a breaking point. i tried to ctb my junior year of hs, then senior year take as much alcohol, shrooms, weed as possible to try to break my mind. i ended up getting kicked off my track team before i was going to states and breaking up my gf that year as well, my gf who also outed me as bi. i moved across the country for college and my parents paid for all of it, i was just trying to start fresh, i ended up consuming even more of those drugs plus coke. i saw a lot of guys and lot of girls but i just felt like an awful person all the time. so then i joined the military, i was doing good there but now that im back in my civilian life i just feel like a government drone who cant do anything without being told too. i need to send my summer class teachers an email asking for a confirmation of my grades to send to my new school by yesterday but i havent done it cause i never turned in my mid term for one of classes. i pick at all the calluses on my hands from the gym until im bleeding, i itch all my bug bites from being outdoors until im bleeding. i just wanna tear all my skin off. i wanna slit my wrists again. i want to buy a gun and just blow my brains out i feel like it would feel so good. to exist as i did before i was born.

 

[Grasp of darkness]

Why did you quit the military? If you thrive with structure and heavy physical work, you should just go at it again.