Story I am a pedophile but my friends, family, and therapists don't believe me.

[DynamicDepression]

This is a long post as I want to explain everything as thoroughly as possible.

I am a 23-year-old cis gay man. I was diagnosed with autism when I was 17 and am currently living on disability welfare as my mental health is far too bad to keep any kind of job. I've consistently been in therapy for depression, social anxiety, and suicidality since I was 13 years old but haven't made much progress. I was recently diagnosed with PTSD and put in trauma treatment group therapy. The last session I attended was the reason for my latest breakdown and why I am here now:

The psychiatrist was talking about acceptance and used pedophiles as an example for bad things that exist that we must accept does exist even though we wish they did not. In response to this another one of the patients said that pedophiles should all kill themselves. This gave me a panic attack and I had to leave. I did not attend the group session this week, but the psychiatrist has offered me a solo session on Wednesday.

Ever since I was 13 I have put myself in sort-of dangerous sexual situations online with both older men as well as guys closer to my own age. Over the years, things got more extreme and when I was 16, I let a 35-year-old man come to my home when my parents were out and have sex with me on two occasions. Others I've talked to about this have described it as abusive or even rape, but I do not feel comfortable labelling it that or myself as a victim. I believe it is my own fault.

When I was 17 I finally found the love of my love in a long-distance relationship with a guy one year younger than me, but I kept putting myself in these situations. Two and a half years into our relationship, I told him about everything and he told me that I had been a victim of pedophiles and serial sexual abuse. I didn't believe him then and I still don't.

In May 2023 (I was 20 at that time), I came across a video on a porn site of a boy being forced to strip by an adult man. I thought the boy looked way too young to be on a porn site and so I looked into where it came from, and it was a scene from a movie where the boy was only 14 years old at the time of filming. This "excited" me as I "wanted" to be that boy being sexually abused by an older man (both in the fiction of the movie and on the film set surrounded by older men) so I ejaculated upon viewing it again with that knowledge. Terrified at what I had done, I talked to my boyfriend at the time, my parents, my therapist, and my doctor. I was convinced I was a pedophile now. They all insisted that was not the case but that it was my trauma and its impact on my relationship to sex. I didn't and still can't believe that. I broke up with my boyfriend because I didn't want him to be with someone as disgusting as me.

I've since looked at the video four more times, the last time in April 2024, each time with the same reaction. I also came across similar material during that time (not intentionally) and reacted similarly. I've spoken to more people about this since, both friends and professionals, and they keep saying it's not pedophilia but a by-product of my own experience and not processing what happened to me when I was a child. That it's my body reacting to past trauma. I can't believe that. I'm not the victim, I'm the perpetrator.

Before this, when I was 14 or 15, I also came across a video of a crowd of naked men running on a beach. Amidst them was a young naked boy, maybe around 8–11 years old, and I was "jealous" of him and "turned on" by the idea of being him in that crowd. I repressed this memory until it came back to me a few months before I saw the video of the boy being stripped in 2023. The people I've told say the same thing about this video as the other, that it was my reacting to sexual trauma even back then.

I don't have any trauma. I was never abused. It was my own fault, so how have could I be traumatized?

One year ago I stumbled across pornographic fan art of Zuko from Avatar. He was standing nude on a beach and was drawn very muscular. I was attracted to his body and masturbated to it. I'm a fan of the original show but have never before or after been attracted to him (or any other fictional character for that matter). I sort of separated the character I knew from this artwork in my head, but I know that doesn't make it any less horrible. Later I found screenshots of a nude mod of Persona 3 Reload where the male characters were shown attending school completely naked. The models were poorly made and I can't say I was attracted to them, but the situation of being naked at school turned me on. I realized later that what I had done was wrong and deleted everything I had saved.

Nothing I've done is illegal but I wish it was so I would go to prison. I deserved to be beaten and raped for what I've done. I don't want to be a pedophile and I never thought that I would ever be one. It feels alien to me and I don't know what to do with it. I want so badly to kill myself, the only thing stopping me is how it would destroy my mom.

 

[TheOtakuLurker]

This is oddly something i can relate two but instead of it being assaulted in person i was groomed online from the ages of 13-16, i was talking with adults older then me, they always seem to dismiss anything wrong with out relationship which in return makes me easily interested in age gaps and other problematic ideals, sometimes i imagine something similar to yours but i'd be the adults or be the child depending on the situation, maybe it's a response to being abused but i guess that makes me a Pedophile too, there's urges and cravings that spawned afterwards, sometimes i get lost looking at a kid or my mind wonders to doing something bad to them, sometimes i have very little sympathy and have the ideal they deserve it for being "Pure". But yeah your not alone with such feelings just know there's nothing we can really do about it from the stigma of other's but at least your honest, unlike other's they hide behind the illusion that it'll be fine which is why i lean more into the ideal if i did offend i'd rather kill myself then live with my actions, maybe that sounds morbid but sorry i can't offer much comfort.

 

[daruino]

I don't have much time to write a full response, but I really encourage you to consider starting with individual therapy rather than group therapy, as what you described sounds quite complex and personal. If you do seek help, try to be as honest as you can about both your memories and your later behavior. Something like EMDR might be helpful to process some of this.

You mention that you don't see yourself as a victim, but you also use words like "fault" and "dangerous" when describing those experiences. That suggests they may have affected you more negatively than you realize, now even leading to this pedophilic behavior you describe. But from what you tell it doesn't really fit with pedophilia though. Pedophilia is being sexually attracted to children, but you describe is being jealous and wanting the same dynamics as from your trauma ( or: negative "experiences" ). Regardless of how you label it, a 13-year-old cannot consent to sexual activity. Even in places where a 16-year-old can legally consent, that doesn't remove vulnerability or the possibility of being taken advantage of.

I went through something somewhat similar when I was young, and I understand how difficult it can be to think of yourself as a victim, because it feels like you played an active role. But often there are deeper reasons why we end up in those situations, and once those patterns start, especially at a young age, it becomes extremely difficult to get out of and they can shape what we come to expect from relationships and love.

Wishing you the best, and I really encourage you to talk to someone about this. It's worth it.

 

[DynamicDepression]

This is oddly something i can relate two but instead of it being assaulted in person i was groomed online from the ages of 13-16, i was talking with adults older then me, they always seem to dismiss anything wrong with out relationship which in return makes me easily interested in age gaps and other problematic ideals, sometimes i imagine something similar to yours but i'd be the adults or be the child depending on the situation, maybe it's a response to being abused but i guess that makes me a Pedophile too, there's urges and cravings that spawned afterwards, sometimes i get lost looking at a kid or my mind wonders to doing something bad to them, sometimes i have very little sympathy and have the ideal they deserve it for being "Pure". But yeah your not alone with such feelings just know there's nothing we can really do about it from the stigma of other's but at least your honest, unlike other's they hide behind the illusion that it'll be fine which is why i lean more into the ideal if i did offend i'd rather kill myself then live with my actions, maybe that sounds morbid but sorry i can't offer much comfort.

I'm very sorry you were groomed. It truly destroys you.

I don't want to touch a child. I don't even like children, never have. I find them annoying and, for the lack of a better term, gross. It's kind of the opposite with me: I want to be the child that is touched by an adult. Whenever I read about pedophiles I wish I was the child they were touching. It's awful but it's true.

I need to be dead. All I want is to be loved I don't deserve to be loved after all that I've done.

 

[HeyBoogahJr]

I also have autism and have tried doing similar things with older men, have dealt with POCD and kinda just suicidal.

I'm sorry to hear life hasn't been kind to you, I can see that you've been through a lot and if anything, if you wanna talk about it. I'd like to be human with you.

Would you wanna PM? If you wanna talk about it more?

 

[Dot]

Thre = bg diffrnce betwn havng a sexul rsponse t/ smethng tht u persnnly rel8 2 frm ur histry & wantng 2 hve sx wth childrn

 

[purebliss]

Have you thought about chemical castration?
A lot of pedophiles went that way and described it as being the best thing they did. They no longer felt attracted towards children in any way.

Being a pedophile is not your fault, but acting on it will be.

If you clearly outline that your urges are getting stronger and you would like that solution you will most definitely get it granted .

 

[DynamicDepression]

Have you thought about chemical castration?
A lot of pedophiles went that way and described it as being the best thing they did. They no longer felt attracted towards children in any way.

Being a pedophile is not your fault, but acting on it will be.

If you clearly outline that your urges are getting stronger and you would like that solution you will most definitely get it granted .

I am not attracted to children so I doubt that would work on me.

 

[Dejected 55]

So... you're not a pedophile. A pedophile is the adult attracted to young kids. You see yourself wanting to perpetually be that young kid being taken advantage of by the adult. You have said multiple times you are not attracted to children. So, you're just not a pedophile.

It sounds more like wanting to be a perpetual victim. There is probably a name for that... but it's a different thing to fantasize about being the victim than to fantasize about victimizing others.

 

[imnotcoercive]

I'd put it this way: you're into pedophilia but not a pedophile yourself.

As long as you can pleasure yourself with images and stories, where exactly is the problem?

 

[unluckysadness]

You're very brave for sharing your thoughts. If you don't want to touch kids, so you're not what you pretend being. PTSD is probably the real cause. Try to find some help with a good therapist (or venting here is also a good therapy). Human brain is so mysterious and complicated. I hope you'll find solutions to your problem.

 

[Samira_Hura]

No, a paraphilia presents characteristics completely different from yours. You suffered abuse, and your way of thinking and expressing yourself is typical of someone who has not properly processed what happened to them at a young age. A physical reaction to a scene does not define who you are.