SadMcFrowns
New Member
- Apr 27, 2026
- 1
I've had suicidal ideation for a long time now, but it's been growing progressively worse recently, so I figured maybe I should share my story and mindset over here so that I'm not totally alone.
It all really started back in middle school. My life was going swell, I had good grades, great friends, and everybody seemed to like me. I have many memories of girls coming up to me and confessing their crushes on me, and I usually shrugged it off, but for one girl it just clicked. She told me about how she liked me, and I fell head over heels for her. Mind you, this was grade 5, so personally it was a bit early for a relationship, but we hit it off really strong and genuinely we both really enjoyed each other's company.
And then my life hit a 180. When covid hit I switched over to home schooling grade 7-9, and me and her split up due to the fact that I had no way to contact her. I didn't have a phone at the time, and my school email was closed. I was too anxious to ask anyone else to ask her, and I didn't exactly know where she lived. It was crushing to see our relationship fall apart like that.
To make it worse, I went to the town fair in grade 8 I believe, and I saw her there, but didn't really say much. It's not because I didn't want to say anything, my mind was racing, it's just that I was extremely anxious and didn't know what to say. Homeschooling isolated me completely from society, and it gave me unprecedented levels of anxiety. I couldn't even have a proper conversation with someone because my mind was always thinking "what if I say the wrong thing?", but I didn't realize that saying nothing was worse than saying the wrong thing, at least I would've tried.
That moment left me heartbroken, because I knew that she was probably heartbroken, and I had no way to talk to her. If I didn't work at the local gas station, I would've probably ended it there, but I had a bit of a reason to live, and at the time I still feared death and pain.
I still had to deal with my parents as well, my dad is abusive, and my mom can also get angry sometimes, but it's mostly in response to him yelling at everyone over the stupidest things. One recent example is when a sibling of mine was looking for something on the counter, and he snapped over the fact that she didn't understand what he meant when he was describing where it is.
This caused me a lot of anxiety too, I always tried to escape it when I could, and one day I even walked out of the house without any warning. I had no intent of going far, I just went to a local park, but it showed how far I was willing to go to try to get some mental space. I actually got a picture of a comet because of that, but that's another story.
This anxiety caused me to look for ways to escape, and since I felt so isolated, I naturally resorted to video games.
It started out harmless, just me and my friends playing our xbox 360 edition minecraft together on a couch, but eventually it changed. The second I got a pc, I had the unlimited freedom of the internet at my fingertips. This would've been around early grade 10 I believe. Anyway, I set it up and got involved in some communities online for validation.
One particular community I had invested a lot of time into, I won't mention the name, but I eventually worked my way up to mod for the community. I vividly remember my mod powers to bring laughter to the players (because I modded for the connected game as well). One of my favorite cases was when I played on an alt and pretended to be a magician. I had no mod powers, but I was still able to abuse bugs. I knew more about bugs than anybody else, so the guy thought I was a hacker. I joked around and said I was a magician, but he told me he had to go. This is when I broke the story and said that I was actually a mods alt, I proceeded to join on my main and fling my alt into space lol. He ended up staying later, he said he had supper, but he took it to his room and ate it there because he was so excited to meet me. I really enjoyed these moments.
Unfortunately I learned that all the mods above me were "allegedly" pedophiles! One of my friends in the server, also the guy with the second highest stats in the game, said he was being groomed, and that the higher server mods were involved! I exposed them and got banned, and then they threatened us with legal action. The victim also got banned and threatened as well, which is sick. All this went down when I was on a vacation by the way, it absolutely ruined my mindset and the vacation for me.
After that happened, I decided to join new communities, particularly on Minecraft. Everyone I've spoken to there has been absolutely great, but I feel like I'm spending too much time on the server. I mean I do try to make peoples' days, whenever I play economy games, especially ones with trading, I'll try to get super rich, and then help people that ask to figure out how to get to my level. I'll often get to a specific point and then just stay there due to the fact that I give away almost all the profits I make. I love helping people, and I love making peoples' days. I always try to be as kind as I can to people, I guess it's just because I want to be loved?
Anyway, I've noticed that I often get stuck in a loop when I play on the server. I'll either play on the server, watch YT shorts, or talk on discord, and it's a constant loop. I often end up staying up until 2 am on school nights, feeling horrible the next day, and doing the same thing. My grades have been falling drastically because of this, I went from all 90's (except physics) to mostly 70's. This is also my grade 12 year, so that's kind of important.
On the other hand, I have personal convictions about university that most people, especially my parents, wouldn't agree with. They think I should get a good education, but I believe that you shouldn't have to pay tens of thousands to learn something that you could watch online tutorials for. I don't mean DIY sorts of tutorials, I mean actual tutorials that teach you in depth how to learn a subject. I taught myself photography in grade 9 when homeschooling because I watched a series of tutorials, and noted down almost every word that was said. After I got my 110 hours logged for learning photography, I did a word count on the notes I had written for the subject, and it was around 11,000 words of just notes. Naturally, when I took photography in grade 10, it was trivial to me. The only real thing I've learned so far was how to work with external lights now that I'm in gr 12, mainly due to the fact that I didn't have the space or money to set up that sort of lighting at my own house. That's my personal justification, and I know that people like university degrees on resumes, but they also like experience.
This has caused even more conflict, they think I'm a failure as a result, and they've openly said that to me. I personally believe I'm smart, I've been told many times that the ideas I've had are great, I've just been lost in the past few years.
And that's another weird thing about all of this, I feel like I might end up somewhere in life, but I still have the urge to end it. I've invented things in minecraft, and I'm sketching inventions for things in real life. I believe what I'm inventing, if done right, is a multi million dollar idea, but my group is very undedicated currently so we're getting literally nowhere. This just causes me more stress, because I feel like if I don't act soon, my invention will be developed, as it has been talked about before online, and teased, but nobody has really confirmed it. I also have to decide whether I want to buy a car (which would likely sit and rot outside in the winter), or dedicate money towards my invention, which is painful, because I feel like at this point in life I should have a car, heck, I don't even have my drivers.
I also have feelings for one of the girls in my group, and personally I think she likes me too, but I know for a fact that she's slept around with other guys. Some guys don't mind this, but I have convictions and beliefs right, so I personally don't really like it (especially since she hooked up with them in like 5 seconds and is proceeding to play hard to get with me). That adds a swirl of emotions to my mix of stress as well, which isn't exactly nice.
Another weird thing is that I look great, I don't want to brag by saying that, but I want to say it as a matter of fact. I've had facial hair since I was 13, so you'd think
I also have tried to get into buying/selling stuff, and I found one of the best deals ever recently. It's obscure, but it was the wifi receiver off of a damn superyacht. The auction had three hours left and was sitting at $25 USD. These things retail for 40,000 euros, or about 70,000 Canadian dollars (my currency). This is life changing money, and I made plans to spend one grand in shipping and store it in my uncle's barn, but again, life decided to hit me in the face. I realized that my dad didn't have an account, as this was a government auction, and it takes 2-3 business days to verify an account. I went online, asked friends, and reached out to everyone I knew to see if anyone could bid, and nobody did. It sold for $250 USD, I would've bought it.
So that added more depression to my life, knowing that I missed out on life changing money because I tried to get something last minute.
My current job also sucks, before I went back into school I was essentially fired (ownership changed at the gas station and they didn't "re-hire" me), so I had to find a new job. I applied at a dozen places, and got a job at the place I wanted to work the least. I have worked there for two years and it has been shitty since day one. The pay is honestly decent, I get enough tips to get by, so my check goes straight into savings, but even though I've worked for two years, I don't really feel the benefits. It's added more stress to my life than I can handle, on top of everything else. I always get scheduled on weekends, a time when I should usually be able to rest from schoolwork, and I also get scheduled to work until midnight on school nights even though I've told them multiple times to not schedule me late on school nights.
I recently quit that job in preparation to ctb. I asked a friend online to pick a random number from 1-30 a while ago, he picked 21. This surprised me because it was a bit of a blind pick of what day I'd do it, and mind you I asked him on the 18th. I then gave him another choice, pick a number from 1-2, and he chose 2. This sets the date to May 21st, and so far, not much has improved since then.
It was ironic actually, I've been speaking to my parents to try to get help with my thoughts, but my dad literally came to me and screamed at me to do it. I was writing a note later, in a minecraft book of all places, and I made sure to outline all the causes, and I started to mention peoples names and give them little messages. I left a longer messages for my next younger sister (I am the oldest, she is second oldest), as I know she dealt with suicidal thoughts a while ago, and I helped her overcome that. I played a game called missed messages and had a really horrible dream about her, and that helped me get the strength to help her (mind you, this was during my anxiety period).
I hate thinking of what I'd leave behind, I have five siblings, all of which are great. I've found myself crying sometimes because the youngest is a year old, and she can't stop saying my name. I'd hate to have her have to deal with that, or figure out what happened to me. Even if she is too young to understand, it hurts.
At the end of the day, I've been searching for love, and I've found none. I see very little point in living without love, and it's hard to find love in this society, for me at least. I am very picky when it comes to girls, I want to find someone that I can stay with all my life, someone that'll help me through struggles, someone that'll love me, and someone who enjoys gaming as much as I do.
And just to recap on gaming, I believe that on one hand it's ruining my life, but on the other it's taught me a lot about how markets work in terms of supply, demand, when to buy, when to sell, how to monopolize, etc… I've made it to the top 1% of skyblock, hypixel, through markets and flipping, and to the top 0.001% of donut smp because of markets. I even spoke to one guy the other day, and he said that he thought I'd end up being a millionaire based on how much I knew about markets, and he genuinely meant it. It was actually funny, when he said that I was co-ordinating a group of people in that server to conduct manual labor for me (I found a really good method to make money, but it required intense amounts of labor). We ended up making around 2-3b in game currency, which is insane for 3 days. I kinda believe him at the end of the day, I am pretty decent at coordinating people to a cause.
My mind has also been ruined by the internet, 4chan is a scary place to browse casually. The things I've seen there are actually traumatizing and have changed my world view a bit.
I just find it crazy that I've been thinking like this at 18. These should be the golden years of my life, but they're just filled with depression, suffering, and pain. I've been thinking about ways to go about it, heck, even when I walk I think about how I could do it within the next 30 seconds, how it would feel, etc..
It's come so far that I don't even fear pain anymore, I embrace the warmth of it, which is weird to say? Pain gives me a bit of comfort, because it reminds me of death, which helps me forget about my mental pain? My mental state is absolutely screwed.
Anyway, I've thought that it'd be good to do it before my graduation, because then at least people will talk about it and be interested as to why I did it. First they'd probably blame bad grades, then maybe university stress, if only they knew...
Oh, I also forgot to mention. I had a twin, he was older than me. I didn't know him very well, mainly because he died at birth, but that also makes me feel like part of my life is missing. I always think about how different my life would be if I had an older sibling, maybe I wouldn't be thinking like this.
This post is a bit of a vent for me, sorry about the rant, if anyone wants to offer me support please go ahead.
I would also like advice if that's alright, I've been thinking about using the bag, but I dunno how the hell I'd get a tank into my room without any of my five siblings or parents noticing. If all else fails, trains exist.
Shoutout to Kennyoung as well, he's a great music artist and gave me some depressing music to listen to as I go through this.
It all really started back in middle school. My life was going swell, I had good grades, great friends, and everybody seemed to like me. I have many memories of girls coming up to me and confessing their crushes on me, and I usually shrugged it off, but for one girl it just clicked. She told me about how she liked me, and I fell head over heels for her. Mind you, this was grade 5, so personally it was a bit early for a relationship, but we hit it off really strong and genuinely we both really enjoyed each other's company.
And then my life hit a 180. When covid hit I switched over to home schooling grade 7-9, and me and her split up due to the fact that I had no way to contact her. I didn't have a phone at the time, and my school email was closed. I was too anxious to ask anyone else to ask her, and I didn't exactly know where she lived. It was crushing to see our relationship fall apart like that.
To make it worse, I went to the town fair in grade 8 I believe, and I saw her there, but didn't really say much. It's not because I didn't want to say anything, my mind was racing, it's just that I was extremely anxious and didn't know what to say. Homeschooling isolated me completely from society, and it gave me unprecedented levels of anxiety. I couldn't even have a proper conversation with someone because my mind was always thinking "what if I say the wrong thing?", but I didn't realize that saying nothing was worse than saying the wrong thing, at least I would've tried.
That moment left me heartbroken, because I knew that she was probably heartbroken, and I had no way to talk to her. If I didn't work at the local gas station, I would've probably ended it there, but I had a bit of a reason to live, and at the time I still feared death and pain.
I still had to deal with my parents as well, my dad is abusive, and my mom can also get angry sometimes, but it's mostly in response to him yelling at everyone over the stupidest things. One recent example is when a sibling of mine was looking for something on the counter, and he snapped over the fact that she didn't understand what he meant when he was describing where it is.
This caused me a lot of anxiety too, I always tried to escape it when I could, and one day I even walked out of the house without any warning. I had no intent of going far, I just went to a local park, but it showed how far I was willing to go to try to get some mental space. I actually got a picture of a comet because of that, but that's another story.
This anxiety caused me to look for ways to escape, and since I felt so isolated, I naturally resorted to video games.
It started out harmless, just me and my friends playing our xbox 360 edition minecraft together on a couch, but eventually it changed. The second I got a pc, I had the unlimited freedom of the internet at my fingertips. This would've been around early grade 10 I believe. Anyway, I set it up and got involved in some communities online for validation.
One particular community I had invested a lot of time into, I won't mention the name, but I eventually worked my way up to mod for the community. I vividly remember my mod powers to bring laughter to the players (because I modded for the connected game as well). One of my favorite cases was when I played on an alt and pretended to be a magician. I had no mod powers, but I was still able to abuse bugs. I knew more about bugs than anybody else, so the guy thought I was a hacker. I joked around and said I was a magician, but he told me he had to go. This is when I broke the story and said that I was actually a mods alt, I proceeded to join on my main and fling my alt into space lol. He ended up staying later, he said he had supper, but he took it to his room and ate it there because he was so excited to meet me. I really enjoyed these moments.
Unfortunately I learned that all the mods above me were "allegedly" pedophiles! One of my friends in the server, also the guy with the second highest stats in the game, said he was being groomed, and that the higher server mods were involved! I exposed them and got banned, and then they threatened us with legal action. The victim also got banned and threatened as well, which is sick. All this went down when I was on a vacation by the way, it absolutely ruined my mindset and the vacation for me.
After that happened, I decided to join new communities, particularly on Minecraft. Everyone I've spoken to there has been absolutely great, but I feel like I'm spending too much time on the server. I mean I do try to make peoples' days, whenever I play economy games, especially ones with trading, I'll try to get super rich, and then help people that ask to figure out how to get to my level. I'll often get to a specific point and then just stay there due to the fact that I give away almost all the profits I make. I love helping people, and I love making peoples' days. I always try to be as kind as I can to people, I guess it's just because I want to be loved?
Anyway, I've noticed that I often get stuck in a loop when I play on the server. I'll either play on the server, watch YT shorts, or talk on discord, and it's a constant loop. I often end up staying up until 2 am on school nights, feeling horrible the next day, and doing the same thing. My grades have been falling drastically because of this, I went from all 90's (except physics) to mostly 70's. This is also my grade 12 year, so that's kind of important.
On the other hand, I have personal convictions about university that most people, especially my parents, wouldn't agree with. They think I should get a good education, but I believe that you shouldn't have to pay tens of thousands to learn something that you could watch online tutorials for. I don't mean DIY sorts of tutorials, I mean actual tutorials that teach you in depth how to learn a subject. I taught myself photography in grade 9 when homeschooling because I watched a series of tutorials, and noted down almost every word that was said. After I got my 110 hours logged for learning photography, I did a word count on the notes I had written for the subject, and it was around 11,000 words of just notes. Naturally, when I took photography in grade 10, it was trivial to me. The only real thing I've learned so far was how to work with external lights now that I'm in gr 12, mainly due to the fact that I didn't have the space or money to set up that sort of lighting at my own house. That's my personal justification, and I know that people like university degrees on resumes, but they also like experience.
This has caused even more conflict, they think I'm a failure as a result, and they've openly said that to me. I personally believe I'm smart, I've been told many times that the ideas I've had are great, I've just been lost in the past few years.
And that's another weird thing about all of this, I feel like I might end up somewhere in life, but I still have the urge to end it. I've invented things in minecraft, and I'm sketching inventions for things in real life. I believe what I'm inventing, if done right, is a multi million dollar idea, but my group is very undedicated currently so we're getting literally nowhere. This just causes me more stress, because I feel like if I don't act soon, my invention will be developed, as it has been talked about before online, and teased, but nobody has really confirmed it. I also have to decide whether I want to buy a car (which would likely sit and rot outside in the winter), or dedicate money towards my invention, which is painful, because I feel like at this point in life I should have a car, heck, I don't even have my drivers.
I also have feelings for one of the girls in my group, and personally I think she likes me too, but I know for a fact that she's slept around with other guys. Some guys don't mind this, but I have convictions and beliefs right, so I personally don't really like it (especially since she hooked up with them in like 5 seconds and is proceeding to play hard to get with me). That adds a swirl of emotions to my mix of stress as well, which isn't exactly nice.
Another weird thing is that I look great, I don't want to brag by saying that, but I want to say it as a matter of fact. I've had facial hair since I was 13, so you'd think
I also have tried to get into buying/selling stuff, and I found one of the best deals ever recently. It's obscure, but it was the wifi receiver off of a damn superyacht. The auction had three hours left and was sitting at $25 USD. These things retail for 40,000 euros, or about 70,000 Canadian dollars (my currency). This is life changing money, and I made plans to spend one grand in shipping and store it in my uncle's barn, but again, life decided to hit me in the face. I realized that my dad didn't have an account, as this was a government auction, and it takes 2-3 business days to verify an account. I went online, asked friends, and reached out to everyone I knew to see if anyone could bid, and nobody did. It sold for $250 USD, I would've bought it.
So that added more depression to my life, knowing that I missed out on life changing money because I tried to get something last minute.
My current job also sucks, before I went back into school I was essentially fired (ownership changed at the gas station and they didn't "re-hire" me), so I had to find a new job. I applied at a dozen places, and got a job at the place I wanted to work the least. I have worked there for two years and it has been shitty since day one. The pay is honestly decent, I get enough tips to get by, so my check goes straight into savings, but even though I've worked for two years, I don't really feel the benefits. It's added more stress to my life than I can handle, on top of everything else. I always get scheduled on weekends, a time when I should usually be able to rest from schoolwork, and I also get scheduled to work until midnight on school nights even though I've told them multiple times to not schedule me late on school nights.
I recently quit that job in preparation to ctb. I asked a friend online to pick a random number from 1-30 a while ago, he picked 21. This surprised me because it was a bit of a blind pick of what day I'd do it, and mind you I asked him on the 18th. I then gave him another choice, pick a number from 1-2, and he chose 2. This sets the date to May 21st, and so far, not much has improved since then.
It was ironic actually, I've been speaking to my parents to try to get help with my thoughts, but my dad literally came to me and screamed at me to do it. I was writing a note later, in a minecraft book of all places, and I made sure to outline all the causes, and I started to mention peoples names and give them little messages. I left a longer messages for my next younger sister (I am the oldest, she is second oldest), as I know she dealt with suicidal thoughts a while ago, and I helped her overcome that. I played a game called missed messages and had a really horrible dream about her, and that helped me get the strength to help her (mind you, this was during my anxiety period).
I hate thinking of what I'd leave behind, I have five siblings, all of which are great. I've found myself crying sometimes because the youngest is a year old, and she can't stop saying my name. I'd hate to have her have to deal with that, or figure out what happened to me. Even if she is too young to understand, it hurts.
At the end of the day, I've been searching for love, and I've found none. I see very little point in living without love, and it's hard to find love in this society, for me at least. I am very picky when it comes to girls, I want to find someone that I can stay with all my life, someone that'll help me through struggles, someone that'll love me, and someone who enjoys gaming as much as I do.
And just to recap on gaming, I believe that on one hand it's ruining my life, but on the other it's taught me a lot about how markets work in terms of supply, demand, when to buy, when to sell, how to monopolize, etc… I've made it to the top 1% of skyblock, hypixel, through markets and flipping, and to the top 0.001% of donut smp because of markets. I even spoke to one guy the other day, and he said that he thought I'd end up being a millionaire based on how much I knew about markets, and he genuinely meant it. It was actually funny, when he said that I was co-ordinating a group of people in that server to conduct manual labor for me (I found a really good method to make money, but it required intense amounts of labor). We ended up making around 2-3b in game currency, which is insane for 3 days. I kinda believe him at the end of the day, I am pretty decent at coordinating people to a cause.
My mind has also been ruined by the internet, 4chan is a scary place to browse casually. The things I've seen there are actually traumatizing and have changed my world view a bit.
I just find it crazy that I've been thinking like this at 18. These should be the golden years of my life, but they're just filled with depression, suffering, and pain. I've been thinking about ways to go about it, heck, even when I walk I think about how I could do it within the next 30 seconds, how it would feel, etc..
It's come so far that I don't even fear pain anymore, I embrace the warmth of it, which is weird to say? Pain gives me a bit of comfort, because it reminds me of death, which helps me forget about my mental pain? My mental state is absolutely screwed.
Anyway, I've thought that it'd be good to do it before my graduation, because then at least people will talk about it and be interested as to why I did it. First they'd probably blame bad grades, then maybe university stress, if only they knew...
Oh, I also forgot to mention. I had a twin, he was older than me. I didn't know him very well, mainly because he died at birth, but that also makes me feel like part of my life is missing. I always think about how different my life would be if I had an older sibling, maybe I wouldn't be thinking like this.
This post is a bit of a vent for me, sorry about the rant, if anyone wants to offer me support please go ahead.
I would also like advice if that's alright, I've been thinking about using the bag, but I dunno how the hell I'd get a tank into my room without any of my five siblings or parents noticing. If all else fails, trains exist.
Shoutout to Kennyoung as well, he's a great music artist and gave me some depressing music to listen to as I go through this.
