locketofroses
Member
- Feb 22, 2025
- 18
I've experienced psychosis twice. Both times it has made me suicidal. Not because it was causing me to suffer, but because it was causing delusions which made me think I had to die.
The first lasted over a year and I had no idea what I was experiencing. I knew the things I believed weren't normal. I knew that if I told people the things I thought they would call me crazy and want me to get help. Except to me they were the crazy ones. They were getting in my way. So I didn't tell anybody. I spent over a year obsessed with a famous dead person, and convinced he was my soulmate despite him dying decades before I was even born. I became convinced that I was being haunted by him, that dreams I had about him were his spirit contacting me. Yet I simultaneously believed that if I killed myself in the right place (as close to where he died as I could get) that I could reincarnate to a life where I could be with him. My "correct" life that I thought I was always supposed to have been in from the start. I thought God, or the universe, or whatever higher power had fucked up and put me in the wrong place.
Eventually that stopped. For little under a year. Then somebody I actually knew cut off contact with me and I had a similar experience. Nothing in my life felt like it was my own. It felt like I was living in a strangers body, living a strangers life. My school didn't feel familiar, my friends and family felt like random people. Still, I knew I couldn't tell anyone because they would call me crazy even though I fully believed I was right and they were crazy. I had been on a suicide mission when that girl first left, and this happened a couple months after she left. I became convinced that I had attempted suicide the night she first told me she didn't want to talk to me anymore, and that everything since then had essentially been a dream. That in my "real life" I was in a coma or something, and the only way to wake up was to die. I thought that if I died I would make it to a life where she came back. I thought everything I'd experienced since that night was just some kind of nightmare.
That time it only lasted about two weeks.
That was two or three years ago now. I haven't experienced a true break from reality again since then.
I have however experienced the early warning signs of it three times since then. Including now, which is why I'm thinking about this so much.
The first was when I became very attached to a specific point in the past and I started writing a story set in that time because writing has always been my escape from reality. It was supposed to just be another story. Fiction, that's it. Except as time passed I began to see this other time period as "my correct life" just like I did when I became obsessed with that dead guy. I caught that early, and it didn't evolve into true belief, but a very similar thing happened again in October. I watched some movies which had a character in them who I very heavily related to. This resulted in once again starting to instead of viewing a past point in this universe as my "correct life" I wondered if reincarnation to another universe was possible. I thought about locations which would connect to these movies best. I really considered committing for the sake of getting into this movies universe despite logically knowing the whole time that it's fiction. It's not real. He doesn't exist in real life beyond his actor.
That stopped, eventually. Because I somehow managed to convince myself it was crazy before I could convince myself it was true.
Last month I watched a movie for the first time. It's pretty famous and I'm shocked I hadn't watched sooner, but maybe that was for the best. I became very attached to this movie. One character in particular. I watched it 24/7 for a few days, even if I was doing other things I had it on in the background. I spent all day watching edits of this one specific character, looking through Pinterest posts about this movie, researching random facts about this movie, I did anything I could do related to this movie. I didn't realize how attached I was until it was no longer on streaming and suddenly I wanted to cry because it was the only thing that could make me happy. So now I have the movie on DVD, and I have once again been watching it 24/7, watching edits of this character, scrolling Pinterest, all of it. Plus started writing fanfics about this character which yeah, writing is my thing, but I am worried after that other story I wrote.
I know he is fictional. I know the universe of this movie is not real. Yet there is a part of me wondering if maybe if I die I could end up in that universe and meet this character as more than just the actor who portrays him. It's not that I fully believe it like I believed things in the past. Not yet, at least. But I do on some level think maybe it's possible, and maybe if I die I'll finally find somebody who understands me.
Honestly I don't even know if in the end it's such a bad thing. It gives me relief surrounding what might happen after I die. Something I have been terrified of so long as I've considered suicide. I've been reading books and articles and watching videos and anything I can find about the afterlife, about the experiences of people who briefly died. I have been suicidal since well before I started experiencing psychosis, so maybe letting myself fall into it for the sake of a more peaceful death isn't the worst thing on earth..
The first lasted over a year and I had no idea what I was experiencing. I knew the things I believed weren't normal. I knew that if I told people the things I thought they would call me crazy and want me to get help. Except to me they were the crazy ones. They were getting in my way. So I didn't tell anybody. I spent over a year obsessed with a famous dead person, and convinced he was my soulmate despite him dying decades before I was even born. I became convinced that I was being haunted by him, that dreams I had about him were his spirit contacting me. Yet I simultaneously believed that if I killed myself in the right place (as close to where he died as I could get) that I could reincarnate to a life where I could be with him. My "correct" life that I thought I was always supposed to have been in from the start. I thought God, or the universe, or whatever higher power had fucked up and put me in the wrong place.
Eventually that stopped. For little under a year. Then somebody I actually knew cut off contact with me and I had a similar experience. Nothing in my life felt like it was my own. It felt like I was living in a strangers body, living a strangers life. My school didn't feel familiar, my friends and family felt like random people. Still, I knew I couldn't tell anyone because they would call me crazy even though I fully believed I was right and they were crazy. I had been on a suicide mission when that girl first left, and this happened a couple months after she left. I became convinced that I had attempted suicide the night she first told me she didn't want to talk to me anymore, and that everything since then had essentially been a dream. That in my "real life" I was in a coma or something, and the only way to wake up was to die. I thought that if I died I would make it to a life where she came back. I thought everything I'd experienced since that night was just some kind of nightmare.
That time it only lasted about two weeks.
That was two or three years ago now. I haven't experienced a true break from reality again since then.
I have however experienced the early warning signs of it three times since then. Including now, which is why I'm thinking about this so much.
The first was when I became very attached to a specific point in the past and I started writing a story set in that time because writing has always been my escape from reality. It was supposed to just be another story. Fiction, that's it. Except as time passed I began to see this other time period as "my correct life" just like I did when I became obsessed with that dead guy. I caught that early, and it didn't evolve into true belief, but a very similar thing happened again in October. I watched some movies which had a character in them who I very heavily related to. This resulted in once again starting to instead of viewing a past point in this universe as my "correct life" I wondered if reincarnation to another universe was possible. I thought about locations which would connect to these movies best. I really considered committing for the sake of getting into this movies universe despite logically knowing the whole time that it's fiction. It's not real. He doesn't exist in real life beyond his actor.
That stopped, eventually. Because I somehow managed to convince myself it was crazy before I could convince myself it was true.
Last month I watched a movie for the first time. It's pretty famous and I'm shocked I hadn't watched sooner, but maybe that was for the best. I became very attached to this movie. One character in particular. I watched it 24/7 for a few days, even if I was doing other things I had it on in the background. I spent all day watching edits of this one specific character, looking through Pinterest posts about this movie, researching random facts about this movie, I did anything I could do related to this movie. I didn't realize how attached I was until it was no longer on streaming and suddenly I wanted to cry because it was the only thing that could make me happy. So now I have the movie on DVD, and I have once again been watching it 24/7, watching edits of this character, scrolling Pinterest, all of it. Plus started writing fanfics about this character which yeah, writing is my thing, but I am worried after that other story I wrote.
I know he is fictional. I know the universe of this movie is not real. Yet there is a part of me wondering if maybe if I die I could end up in that universe and meet this character as more than just the actor who portrays him. It's not that I fully believe it like I believed things in the past. Not yet, at least. But I do on some level think maybe it's possible, and maybe if I die I'll finally find somebody who understands me.
Honestly I don't even know if in the end it's such a bad thing. It gives me relief surrounding what might happen after I die. Something I have been terrified of so long as I've considered suicide. I've been reading books and articles and watching videos and anything I can find about the afterlife, about the experiences of people who briefly died. I have been suicidal since well before I started experiencing psychosis, so maybe letting myself fall into it for the sake of a more peaceful death isn't the worst thing on earth..
