Venting I almost did it, but was too scared

[TheLastK]

I nearly did it, nearly ctb. Something happened that made me flip, didn't even have time to write a note or anything of the sort, just left. Tried to jump but I live in western Europe and we're not exactly known for having the tallest buildings. was too scared of messing up and paralyzing myself, so I went home. I'm dreading waking up tomorrow, having to face my life again. Everyone eventually leaves me, for once maybe I should leave, albeit more dramatically. If it wasn't for the few friends and family I still have left I would've done it immediately. Need to make a better plan next time, actually think this shit through.

 

[FailureGirl]

Hey I had similar 2 days back tried to ctb but just couldn't and ended up going back home feeling useless.

 

[MetroTransit]

SI is nature's cruel way of trying to make you hold onto this painful existence for a while longer. Planning helps but it isn't everything. I used a much simpler, more reliable method (firearm) and planned for a week and still had those problems. Nothing worse than thinking your problems are over only to have to continue to face them. The next day everyone on my team at my workplace could sense something was off with me and I had to pretend like everything was "just fine". I hate nothing more than having to pretend that. It doesn't make you any lesser for having a challenge overcoming one of the most hardwired goals of being a living thing.

 

[theboy]

I'm sorry for the pain you're going through. In a crisis situation, she takes a deep breath and rests. You can resume the plan as many times as you want but do not do CTB on impulse because it can end very badly

 

[FuneralCry]

I personally see jumping as being a terrifying way to leave this world, I know that I could never ctb that way. It sounds so horrible failing an attempt, the fear of failure is what keeps me here, so your feelings are understandable. I think that I would only attempt if I felt confident that the method would succeed. I hope that in whatever you decide to do, you find relief from your suffering. Ctb really is so difficult and more than anything I wish that it's easier. We have already suffered enough in life so the option of a peaceful and reliable exit is what we deserve.

 

[TheLastK]

@theboy @NFFNSNC @FuneralCry @FailureGirl thank you all for the kind replys, I'm a bot drunk at the moment but I see everything you say and I appreciate it. Next time I'll have a better plan and write proper, true notes. Thank you all for the support

 

[JealousOfTheElderly]

I have heard that time slows down a lot while you fall. Kind of like you see your life flash before your eyes.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

I also want to say don't feel bad. I tried a few times. Still here. I was so sure I was ready.
Then the morning of I felt sick so I chickened out.
You are not alone.

 

[Lost Magic]

Sorry that happened. Maybe you are not ready yet. Survival instinct is strong in a lot of people. Or you could try a less scarier method. Good luck!