how to know when its time

[chudeatte]

hi everyone, im in a bit of a dilemma. im pretty sure I want to ctb sometime soon, but there's still part of me that doesn't want to and I know I shouldn't do it unless I am 100% sure. im in a tough spot in my life where my depression is worsening and I am unable to imagine any kind of future for myself, which makes me feel hopeless. also my home life is abysmal. I have become somewhat at peace with the idea of ending it, as in the thought doesn't distress me as much as it used to. I know how I will go. I dont have a set date, but I know my method. either hanging or train.

my resignation comes from a few things. as much as I hate my life I feel sad knowing I will never experience some things such as travelling, or I feel bad about leaving certain things behind. also I stress much when thinking about getting rid of my personal belongings, and I am extremely depressed to the point I can't bring myself to leave my bed so that would take me a lot of effort to sort everything out. these conflicting feelings have been causing some stress for me because on one hand I want to ctb asap but on the other hand I want to keep going. also im afraid of SI and I dont want to go home when ive gotten rid of all my stuff if I chicken out because im also broke and couldn't afford to replace things. but despite all this ive been in a depressive slump for the past few days where ive thought about nothing but suicide from the moment I wake up to the moment I sleep, only feeling completely numb where the thought of suicide isnt prominent. its been a miserable few days, and I just want it all to end.

how do you know when its truly time to ctb? I feel like it's my time but I also dont. this feeling is terrible. im constantly at a conflict with myself and it's unbearable. it feels like I have many reasons to stay and yet the pain is unbearable for me. part of me also wonders if this is just the effects of the sertraline I started almost two weeks ago thats making me more depressed, since things will get worse before I see any improvements. ugh, im probably being dramatic. sorry for the long post. any help is appreciated

 

[amerie]

It's intuitive.

No one here can encourage you or guide you into it at least ethically.

You will know what choice you need to make so trust yourself.

 

[tend a dead garden]

it's your own choice , the ultimate most important choice that you will ever make.
However, i will say that having a "clear mind" is essential and that being on a new antidepressant such as sertraline can seriously affect mood and cognition for upto a month at least ( 4 weeks is the period a Dr will say you have to try out a med to see if it's working for you or not) .
So for me at least i would ensure that theres no big external factors such as medication which could affect my thinking when deciding on when is the right time to CTB..

 

[knickknack81]

I feel yr pain. I (much like many of us) go back and forth with questions like if now is the time, am I ready for this, do I really want to do this, etc. But like others have said, this is a very big, super important (the most important) decision you will make and only you can make it. Really comes down to what you believe is right. Definitely make the decision with the most amount of clearity you possibly can. Really weigh everything out. Also, whatever method you go about doing, really make sure you have planned it out to ensure that everything runs as smoothly as it can. Id hate to see you or anything else make a mistake and put themselves in an even worse position. And if you decide to stay around and not CTB, that's great to. Hopefully what you do, you find peace. Good luck!

 

[dontwakemeup]

I'm sorry to hear you're life has come to a place where you feel suicide maybe your only source of peace. It's a big decision and ultimately one that will have lasting consequences if done incorrectly, or properly.

I think we all have these thoughts and I would say it's much easier said than done. Meaning, the idea seems so easy but the reality is it's not so easy to end ones life, so please be cautious and careful.

I hope you somehow can gain some clarity and make a decision that ultimately will make you happy in the end. Whatever you decide, I wish you peace and the happiness you need and deserve. Best wishes