yeah I get it. I know that feeling where it all doesn't matter. I feel the same way about not being sure as well. I wish I had something smart to say here but I don't. maybe you scope it out and decide it is not the right moment. if I get the courage to finish the job then I am just hoping I can do it right. my concern for you would be the same, making sure you could do it right if you did decide to do it. at least you get to take a look and see how you feel about it so maybe that brings you back and gives you more time for clarity. I'll be wishing the best for you here.
well it seems i live, im just gonna use this reply to update some things but i appreciate this comment just so you know.
i ended up climbing down the cliff side and laying on the river bank for a while. i was half in, half out of the water. everything was black, it was cloudy so there was no stars like i had hoped. someone called the cops on me when i was climbing down. i had been standing on the bridge edge for a while before exploring, and i wasnt expecting to see anyone there but right around 2AM someone drove by, hit their brakes for a moment, then drove away slowly. i kinda knew it was coming at that point so i wasnt surprised when police showed up. i just did what they asked, came back up, and waited for the ambulance. (well, they actually didnt want me climbing up on my own and wanted me to wait for the fire department but i wasnt about to waste the time of more first responders) and the rest is pretty standard. superficial frost bite, went away on its own. i needed stitches and skin glue for my SH wounds. then i waited for an eval in the morning and i was put into a ward near by.
funnily enough, one of my sitters was this 18y/o CNA, still in high school, who talked about his girl problems for 3+ hours straight. It actually did make me feel a bit better. he came in with a mountain dew, thin mints, and said "what up what up how we doin tonight?!" found out the nurses didn't actually tell him what i was there for lol, poor kid. he figured it out when he asked what happened to my arms (said they looked "gnarly" lmao bless his soul). he just talked endlessly and i was down to listen, and he gave me some thin mints too haha.
obviously im out pretty early here. i told the staff that it wasnt a suicide attempt and that i was in a manic episode and not sure how i got there. (it wasnt mania, but im still unsure of what i was actually doing.) obviously the self harm was contradictory to that but the circumstances were so weird (i was 120+ miles away from my home) that they took my word for it. told them i was feeling better (and i was, slighty) and that i wanted to head home to be with my pets. they gave me resources and let me go. got home, made some important appointments i had been putting off, was actually pretty excited to return to work yadda yadda.
i was trying pretty hard to fix things, yknow. i had wasted a lot of peoples time and wanted it be worth something, maybe? first day of work went well, second day was going better. until the last five minutes. im a dog groomer, and on my final appointment of the day (and on the most calm dog of the day tbh) i cut my dog. i was trimming his visor and he jerked his head at the perfect moment, causing my thinners to scrape his eyelid. it bled very slightly, but i work for a major corporation that requires any type of injury receive an immediate vet visit followed by a full refund to the parent. i also couldnt finish the service either so the dog left half done... vet checked out the dog, he was fine, wont even leave a lasting mark, but the damage is done. ive been taken off the schedule for the rest of the week, and when i do return i will be reprimanded and forced to do retraining which involves attending unpaid safety seminars. ill have to have someone shadow me as i do my grooms for a while and im no longer allowed to learn how to do cat services for the next year.
this was all yesterday. right now my main concern is how to go forward. i have some positive ish appointments i need to get to over the next couple days so i guess theres that, but the SH has just exploded. its all i think about right now. i could hardly handle the embarrassment and shame from whatever that pathetic little episode was (not even gonna pretend to call it an attempt atp), but i definitely cant handle this. i cant sleep. im just on a constant mental rotation of that river, SH, and what i did to that dog. the SH is my poison of choice because dealing with the aftermath is the only thing that takes my mind off of everything else. i think i need stitches again but i absolutely loathe the idea of forcing some poor doctor or nurse to stop their day to deal with me. ive been using butterfly bandages and super glue but some just wont close, so i think im gonna pick up a first aid kit with some suture supplies tomorrow and watch a tutorial on stitching. the pain isnt a concern for me and i have sterilization supplies so we'll see.
conclusions/tldr; sorry for the long post and to everyone who commented here. I knew i was going to ignore your advice and warnings yet asked anyways because i was looking for attention. i hate myself more than anything, but for some reason my mind has not allowed me to fully commit to dying despite how much i long for it. i dont know what im going to do in these upcoming days. right now i wish i wouldve jumped, and im having this feeling that i need to do something more drastic but i dont know what. itll probably end up being something even dumber. im still going to (attempt to) attend those appointments i made and try to be better, but its all feeling very bleak. and i dont know if ill be able to stand the consequences at work.. god im trying. i actually brushed my teeth today for the first time in months and it was all blood. i hope theres an end to this all, in whatever way that is.
