JustAnotherSuicider
Hoping for the best - expecting the worst
- Dec 28, 2019
- 98
Hello there,
it's been a while since I visited this site last time (about 3 month only actually, but it felt like eternity for me).
So why I stopped coming here on daily basic like I used to do before? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
But hey, here I am once again, ready to vent :) (and to read yours ventings ofcourse
)
I was planning to CTB in the first half of this year, but it's May already and I still don't have any good plan to do it sadly, not sure about method either at the moment. And this whole corona thingy made it a little harder as well.
Since my last visit here my mental and physical condition didn't get any better - quite the contrary actually.
It's becoming more and more harder, from day to day, to cope with life for me. There are no any positive thought left in my mind, I can think only about everything that's is bad, I can see only the worst possible outcomes of every scenario. And when it's not that bad when I'm siting all day at home, it's getting really bad when I must go to work (it's not that easy to hide my tears there, and I hate it too, and I hate people).
I'm sleeping maybe 2h/day, and I'm basically ruining my body, and I'm doing it on purpose, I don't rally care anymore. Maybe this will kill me, hopefully. I also got addicted to energy drinks, 'cos without them it's hard not to fall asleep at work, and those are ruining my organism even more. I'm not eating too much, I'm underweight right now, my diet is very unhealthy and not balanced at all.
I lost interesting in everything, nothing really bring me joy anymore, even things that I like to do before. I wanted to do so many things, to learn, to improve, but I don't have any motivation - everything seems so meaningless. All I'm doing right now is playing some stupid game all days and nights, but that at least give me some sense of purpose that I can chase, and it take some part in my thoughts, so sometimes I think about this game instead of CTB, so that's the good side I guess, but I fear that it won't last long. But for now it's safe to say that this game is keeping my alive in some way ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Well, that's would be all for now.
Take care folks, have a good night o/
it's been a while since I visited this site last time (about 3 month only actually, but it felt like eternity for me).
So why I stopped coming here on daily basic like I used to do before? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
But hey, here I am once again, ready to vent :) (and to read yours ventings ofcourse
)I was planning to CTB in the first half of this year, but it's May already and I still don't have any good plan to do it sadly, not sure about method either at the moment. And this whole corona thingy made it a little harder as well.
Since my last visit here my mental and physical condition didn't get any better - quite the contrary actually.
It's becoming more and more harder, from day to day, to cope with life for me. There are no any positive thought left in my mind, I can think only about everything that's is bad, I can see only the worst possible outcomes of every scenario. And when it's not that bad when I'm siting all day at home, it's getting really bad when I must go to work (it's not that easy to hide my tears there, and I hate it too, and I hate people
).I'm sleeping maybe 2h/day, and I'm basically ruining my body, and I'm doing it on purpose, I don't rally care anymore. Maybe this will kill me, hopefully. I also got addicted to energy drinks, 'cos without them it's hard not to fall asleep at work, and those are ruining my organism even more. I'm not eating too much, I'm underweight right now, my diet is very unhealthy and not balanced at all.
I lost interesting in everything, nothing really bring me joy anymore, even things that I like to do before. I wanted to do so many things, to learn, to improve, but I don't have any motivation - everything seems so meaningless. All I'm doing right now is playing some stupid game all days and nights, but that at least give me some sense of purpose that I can chase, and it take some part in my thoughts, so sometimes I think about this game instead of CTB, so that's the good side I guess, but I fear that it won't last long. But for now it's safe to say that this game is keeping my alive in some way ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Well, that's would be all for now.
Take care folks, have a good night o/
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