Here I am again

[Givingupandgivingin]

I don't want to die, but I don't want to live like this and I don't know how to stop living like this without dying.
ive been here before, I feel slightly better for a bit and then I end up here again. I don't want to be in this place, I spoke to my dr but they don't have the resource to help and what can they do? They can't magically make it any better.
I want to feel better but I don't know where to start and then I feel so dreadful that I feel like there's just no point even trying.
i have changed my job and now I work with young people who are depressed and anxious, I spend five days a week listening to people crying and telling me how depressed and anxious they are, and I feel even more depressed and anxious myself.
I have two children, one of whom is unhappy but I know from working in children's mental health that there's no support for children either.
im married to a man who is ok, doesn't abuse me of anything, but has never supported me with the children so doesn't do anything much with them and everything has always fallen on me. It's ok. It's an ok relationship but it's not brilliant, I want to leave but I can't face it because it would be so acrimonious and I'd lose my children maybe 50% of the time. So in the same way I don't want to die but don't want to live, I don't want to stay but I don't want to leave.
I feel trapped in every area of my life. I just want it to stop and I cannot see a way of making it stop unless I'm just not here anymore.

 

[hermes]

I am so sorry to know about what you are going through.

Only option is to work with your husband.
Little more family outings / fun projects all of you can do it together.

nudge, nudge, nudge. Not one big change but slowly nudge him to desired behavior. read the Tiny Habits (BJ Fogg), Nudge(Richard Thaler) and there are some great books.

My sincere apologies for suggesting too obvious things without knowing full context, that too to a professional like you. I just couldn't resist.

May your situation improve and may you have a happy life.

 

[SuicideRun]

I have read what you wrote and I feel your confusion and pain. But as of us @hermes maybe it is worth trying to improve the situation, in small steps, for you, for your children. I cheer for you.

 

[Givingupandgivingin]

Thank you. It just feels hopeless right now and I can't see a way forwards.
I don't want to spend more time with my husband, this is part of the problem I suppose. I don't want to. I would like to have my children and just be the three of us, but I know that isn't possible.
I keep waiting for feel better and then I don't feel better. I keep waiting to feel less anxious but every morning when I wake it's the same and I don't know how to make it not be that way.

 

[SuicideRun]

I understand perfectly well how you feel, I assure you.
If the thing is irremediable you have to get help for a better future. In small steps. I know ... easy and a little hypocritical words. But I am in the same condition as you and I regret not having taken a different path years ago. Power! Excuse my English.

 

[FuneralCry]

This life can be exhausting. I know what it's like when you feel like you are in a hopeless situation and you feel trapped and you just want it to end. It is really hard. I wish you well, I hope things improve for you.

 

[hermes]

Thank you. It just feels hopeless right now and I can't see a way forwards.
I don't want to spend more time with my husband, this is part of the problem I suppose. I don't want to. I would like to have my children and just be the three of us, but I know that isn't possible.
I keep waiting for feel better and then I don't feel better. I keep waiting to feel less anxious but every morning when I wake it's the same and I don't know how to make it not be that way.

option1:
stay with your husband and kids.
you and your husband work on changes in behavior needed to make life happier (or at-least livable).

option2:
divorce your husband and live with your kids.

Given you think option 2 is not possible. ONLY option you have is option 1.

If you haven't already, then pl read this book:
"Crucial Accountability: Tools for Resolving Violated Expectations, Broken Commitments, and Bad Behavior"
by Kerry Patterson et al.

This book is tailor made for your situation.

This book had tremendous impact on my thought process and helped me come to win-win arrangements even with people who were very very adversarial to me.

I wish you the best. may you find your happiness.

 

[Givingupandgivingin]

option1:
stay with your husband and kids.
you and your husband work on changes in behavior needed to make life happier (or at-least livable).

option2:
divorce your husband and live with your kids.

Given you think option 2 is not possible. ONLY option you have is option 1.

If you haven't already, then pl read this book:
"Crucial Accountability: Tools for Resolving Violated Expectations, Broken Commitments, and Bad Behavior"
by Kerry Patterson et al.

This book is tailor made for your situation.

This book had tremendous impact on my thought process and helped me come to win-win arrangements even with people who were very very adversarial to me.

I wish you the best. may you find your happiness.

Thank you. I will have a look at the book.
My option 3 is to take my own life.

I don't believe option 2 is viable so it comes down to 1 or 3. Or I get a much ready as possible and try and make my children as independent as possible and then take my own life at that point.
I can't stay here forever, I lose a little bit more of myself every day.