Venting Haven't been able to recover from being a shut-in for all of my high school years

[mydeadflowers]

Title says it all, but I think the worst part is that I did this to myself. I chose to do all of my high school classes from home since I thought it'd be so much less overwhelming than my previous school years, and I feel like it was the absolute worst decision I could have made in my entire life. I've always been prone to social withdrawal, but I essentially dug my own grave by putting myself in a position in which I was able to waste that formative period of my life by never stepping foot out of my apartment for four years. I can't even really blame my parents for this by giving me enough independence growing up in order to decide what kind of education is best for me, my tendency to isolate and neglect my relationships with others is my fault alone.

It has been three years since I've graduated and it feels like I haven't aged one bit since 9th grade. It feels like I've been in a constant rush trying to figure out how to live as an adult and I feel so far behind everyone I meet, even those who are only slightly younger than me. I constantly consider quitting my job and dropping out of school just so I can stay in my room until I decide to die. I've lost so many friends over time due to my tendency to isolate while neglecting my relationships, and it feels like my happiness has deteriorated even further during the past few years.

Not having the opportunity to network during my high school years has set me back so far, the friends I did have during my teenage years have all left me due to my poor behavior interfering with our relationships. It feels like it only took these few mistakes in order to dig myself into a pit where I'm constantly feeling worse and worse no matter how hard I try to lift myself back up by focusing hard on academics and work, or by putting myself out there and forcing myself to socialize more. Nothing feels good, and I just want to go back into hiding so I can rot to death. I so desperately want a reason to continue moving forward, but I just feel so exhausted from doing nothing but my absolute best when I don't really have anything that motivates me besides living up to the standards of my family.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

Title says it all, but I think the worst part is that I did this to myself. I chose to do all of my high school classes from home since I thought it'd be so much less overwhelming than my previous school years, and I feel like it was the absolute worst decision I could have made in my entire life. I've always been prone to social withdrawal, but I essentially dug my own grave by putting myself in a position in which I was able to waste that formative period of my life by never stepping foot out of my apartment for four years. I can't even really blame my parents for this by giving me enough independence growing up in order to decide what kind of education is best for me, my tendency to isolate and neglect my relationships with others is my fault alone.

There's a line between identifying what mistakes we don't want to repeat and beating ourselves up. Crossing it is something we'll beat ourselves up for later.

I try to lift myself back up by focusing hard on academics and work, or by putting myself out there and forcing myself to socialize more.

Are you getting more energy/feeling better by doing that? I am in no way suggesting to stop working hard to improve your situation and achieve goals; but we may not want to mistake spending energy with recharging energy.

I don't really have anything that motivates me besides living up to the standards of my family.

I suppose a stock reply here would be to think about what you want, rather than what others want. What you want when you're not exhausted, to be clear. At the same time, social life and a source of income aren't things to risk losing out on (speaking from experience here).

How is your physical health? It may be considered basic; but posture, diet (macros, micros), sleep, exercise (cardio, strength, etc), movement during the day, sunlight exposure, etc, can make a huge difference if something is lacking currently.

To conclude: Can you try to rest up somehow? I can recommend my meditation megathread (in signature) for links to people/resources, what comes to mind now is Shinzen Young's "focus on positive" and "focusing on rest"/relaxation. Can you find some, big or small, short or long-term, professional/social/hobby/whatever, goals you're motivated by? Like lifting a certain weight at the gym, getting an A on an exam, starting a sport, etc.