Hate hope

[setspiritfree]

I hate it when my brain thinks there might be some hope for a better tomorrow because reality finally hits and I realize that is just a pipe dream. Like today, I got out of the house for the first time in two weeks(because I had to) and it felt nice to be in the sun and fresh air only to come back to my hell room. I thought well, "I could do this and that and I might have a chance" but I know, deep down I know, that is not the truth. I will never have peace unless I die and I know that. There is really only one way out for me and it ain't pretty no matter which way you shake it.

 

[lost in the lilies]

Yeah my life has kind of been a pretty consistent cycle of having hope for a better future just to have it all ripped away from me in the most sudden and brutal way possible. It's almost comedic, in a way. It's become so predictable that I'm no longer able to trust when I feel good or hopeful. It just feels like I'm falling into some sort of trap. Funny how the rare instances in which I feel some sort of joy and positivity end up being overwritten by an anxiety that reminds me that it never ends well, but this is a tale as old as time, I suppose.
I hope one day I'm truly capable of abandoning all of this fake hope that only ever leads somewhere worse than where I was before. Fortunately I feel that day is closer each passing moment. Still, at least I still have some brief moments of peace where, despite feeling like shit, I can at least sit in the dark and look at the sky or something and just enjoy the moment. I hope you're able to find some nice moments like that yourself and experience some peace & respite if nothing else :(

 

[fedup1982]

My mental health has been getting better and im more able to enjoy the now. But what terrifies me is what will happen as I get older. My parents will die. My gf and brother could die. I could be left alone, unable to cope. I need to find a good way to die before then. I'm scared

 

[setspiritfree]

Yeah my life has kind of been a pretty consistent cycle of having hope for a better future just to have it all ripped away from me in the most sudden and brutal way possible. It's almost comedic, in a way. It's become so predictable that I'm no longer able to trust when I feel good or hopeful. It just feels like I'm falling into some sort of trap. Funny how the rare instances in which I feel some sort of joy and positivity end up being overwritten by an anxiety that reminds me that it never ends well, but this is a tale as old as time, I suppose.
I hope one day I'm truly capable of abandoning all of this fake hope that only ever leads somewhere worse than where I was before. Fortunately I feel that day is closer each passing moment. Still, at least I still have some brief moments of peace where, despite feeling like shit, I can at least sit in the dark and look at the sky or something and just enjoy the moment. I hope you're able to find some nice moments like that yourself and experience some peace & respite if nothing else :(

Thank you so much

 

[lost in the lilies]

My mental health has been getting better and im more able to enjoy the now. But what terrifies me is what will happen as I get older. My parents will die. My gf and brother could die. I could be left alone, unable to cope. I need to find a good way to die before then. I'm scared

Honestly, if your mental health has gotten better and you're actually capable of enjoying the moment, I'd say it would probably be preferable for you to find a way of dealing with those eventualities instead of looking at it as you needing to die before they take place so you can avoid the pain & turmoil of experiencing them. Personally, the death of loved ones has never really bothered me. I've been to a handful of funerals, first one being one of my parents at a pretty young age. Not once did I really feel much pain or concern. I guess I've always just understood it to be a part of nature, and that it is just as natural for that to happen as it is to come into being. I know it's cliche, and I guess I'm a strange and more isolated case of someone who has internalized that sentiment early on, or maybe it's something else, I don't know. But maybe looking at it from that perspective could begin to help you look at it differently too.
More than anything I'm happy to know you're feeling better in any capacity, I really hope it only gets better for you

 

[setspiritfree]

My mental health has been getting better and im more able to enjoy the now. But what terrifies me is what will happen as I get older. My parents will die. My gf and brother could die. I could be left alone, unable to cope. I need to find a good way to die before then. I'm scared

Yeah, I am older and have lost a lot of those people. I am glad you are getting better and I damn sure hope you don't end up like me. I had a chance but let my sins and addictions get the best of me.

 

[eternalpace]

A decade ago, during my last attempt, hope got in the way... I've thankful, in a manner of speaking, that I've had ten years of additional experience to conclude with certainty that there is no hope. It also helps that I'm now in a state where it's much easier to purchase a gun. This time around, hope won't get in the way... and my method is much more certain to be successful.

 

[setspiritfree]

I hate you feel the way I do. No one should have to endure this pain. I just want it all to end. Why is it so hard then? This is so mentally exhausting.